Eat well,
Eat well.
Lay of the cake gal,
Sugar is delight,
But obesity’s a fight.
Don’t go gaining weight gal.
Keep up with the grains
Flush the fats down the drain
I love my legumes, veggies and fruits,
That diet would be perfect for you.
Stop with the ice cream
Cut out the pudding
Get to where I am and it will be so off-putting,
All that junk is yuck, pumps you up with guck
Work out! Work out!
Don’t go keeping up the pig outs!
Junk food is eww, don’t eat it, I beg you!
Let me make it easy,
A strategy just for you
I find what makes it easier
Is a junk food substitute!
You can have chocolate cake,
A zucchini based treat.
You can scoff down a pizza,
But wholemeal, not what you think
But just don’t eat junk,
Don’t cramp your body with crap.
Be like me,
I’m healthy, not fat.
Just ease up on the fatty foods
Health is good
You just gotta do it.
Work out long and hard
You can be a health freak like moi,
Just give it a shot, toss out the takeaway and squat.
I believe in you tubby.
Now, do you wanna try my 99% fat free grain battered onion rings?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I have to say this poem was well done, (although I don't necessarily agree with it all) but the descriptive words really bring the poem to life. But I have a few problems with it.
1. Your lines switch lengths several times, they should be more steady lengthwise.
2. Some of the lines don't seem to rhyme right to me. Her's an example.
I love my legumes, veggies and fruits,
That diet would be perfect for you.
Stop with the ice cream
Cut out the pudding
None of those words rhyme each other. Besides those few problems it was well done.
Keep it up!
A very nice poem. Your choice of writing is remarkable. I liked how you put in the rhyming words and the usage of nice, descriptive adjectives; a great choice of words. Your slangs also sound very nice in this poem and I like how you ended the poem. My favourite line was:
'Don't eat junk,
Don't fill your body with crap'
I think that'moi' thing is unnecessary and does not fit there. Another brilliant line is:
' Keep up with the grains,
Flush the fats down the drain'
One thing I feel negative about this poem is the length of the lines. Count the syllables to keep up the flow of the poem. Great poem in general.
- Anshira
Hello there!
This was a very entertaining/ sad poem. As a person who's obsessed with eating right and exercise, this poem kind of pokes fun at it all. The sad aspect of it is that it reveals the obsession the world has with dieting and exercise to an extent where some people are using it to exploit others.
And we listen to many people who claim they have the right remedy to combat obesity and all.
This was a great poem and I liked it.
Keep writing!
I love your poem. It captures the condescension, the hypocrisy and the overall chaotic nature of the health food industry. The style was right in step with this, and your poem felt very familiar - almost as if reading the health claims on gluten free pitas or centrifugally separated pomegranate juice.
1. While in some cases the chaotic nature of your poem helps the message across, in other ways it can be a little too overwhelming. I would suggest watching the rhymes you make and the rhythm on the sentences that rhyme with each other. Coordinating the rhyming lines by making their syllable count equal can unify them and create a much stronger flow. For example,
can become -
"Keep up with the grains
Flush fats down the drain
I love my legumes, veggies and fruits,
That diet would be perfect for you."
This grouping of words shows an example when you didn't coordinate rhyming syllables and when you did. By changing the syllable count, the flow is altered and it reads much clearer.
You don't have to change this, but it's just a suggestion that, while deviates from your style a bit, really improves the readability of your poem.
2. I also wonder if you could show a greater contrast between positive and negative habits. You tend to mix them up a lot and I find myself scrambling to find meaning and make connections. To clarify, maybe put the line about cake with the line about sugar. Put the veggies, legumes...etc diet with the part about food substitutions and so on. This will connect similar ideas and make the poem much more cohesive as a whole.
In all, I totally get what you're saying. The diet industry is a madhouse of contradictions, half-truths and unreliable information. I would love diets and nutrition to be simple and clear but, unfortunately, the reality is much like your poem in its "anything goes" kind of attitude.
Thanks for a good read,
Dmytra
Thanks, Im glad you understood what I meant
And I really appreciate the feedback.
Hello there! I'm RedApril29th here to give you my opinion of your poem.
I dislike it, quite a bit, in all honesty. I think it sends a negative message that eating a slight amount of junk-food means your fat. The girls in our society already struggle enough. Imagine, even if you are already skinny, being fearful of being fat, going by this poem, losing more and more. That's the only reason I don't like it.
Also, I think you meant "off" the cake, not "of" the cake.
If you used your skill for a better influenced poem, I would love it and give you a great review, but I just can't do that. I don't approve of the negativity.
Titles of poems are important! I interpreted this poem as being written from the perspective of a supposed h3alth junkie who is really just changing all th usual junk foods to fit a certain label but still - - according to the author? - - unfairly judging those who eat regular junk food. It's a criticsm of that lifestyle through its own voice, I think.
Hey RedApril29th, I never intended to potentially harm those 'young girls' who might feel insecure about their weight. I'm a young girl myself and I didn't feel as if the poem would be such a big problem. I really meant to mock those health obsessed types who go on about how much they love their healthy food, but then make suggestions about the healthy junk that they secretly crave. If that message was not put across, that is my error and I will make some adjustments.