CHAPTER 2
I roll the window down just a little bit.
" Do you have any food?" the stranger asks.
" No sorry." I couldn't risk getting any closer with this stranger. I didn't know if they had ebola or not. All of the sudden the stranger opens the door. How stupid I was, not locking the door.
" Stop!" I tried closing the car door but the stranger was just too strong.
"Fine I'll give you some food, but just let go of the freaking door."
"Are you sure you won't close the door and leave?"
" No." I say. If I tried to close the door this stranger would probably hold the door again. The faster they were gone the better. I get a pack of Pop-tarts and give it to them.
" Thanks."
" You know you could've just asked for food, instead of making me think you were going to kill me for food. Who are you anyways? Do you have ebola?" With out even thinking about it, I blurted the question out.
" My name is Allison. Allison Fey. And no I don't have ebola. How about you?"
" Audrey Stryder,and I don't have ebola either. Shouldn't you be at your house or with your family instead of scaring the hell out of lonely girls?" I ask.
" I turned eighteen right before they brought the stupid scientists who infected everybody, so I moved out and used to live in an apartment until I came over here to check how my parents were doing. And let's just say they wouldn't let me go inside the house because they thought I had ebola. Even though I wasn't coughing or anything. That probably hurt me the most. Then, I lost all my money because it was stolen by my parent's shitty neighbors."
" So um.... I guess you haven't eaten in a long time?"
" Mmhm." Is the only thing she can say because her mouth was stuffed with food. She has a long, slender face, unlike my more circular face, and dark blue eyes.
" And you? You look too young to drive. Where are your parents?" She looks towards the house.
"My parents...they....th..they passed away. And I'm fifteen by the way." Its still hard for me to accept the reality. I cant imagine how Stephanie must feel.
" I'm sorry."She says.
" Its ok."
" I still don't know why your driving away from your house."
" I'm going to my sister's house. She's the only one I have left." I barely met this girl and I'm already telling her where I'm going. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. The loss of my parents was unbearable.The images of my mom coughing up blood and my dad holding her hair back haunts me every night. The only reason I didn't get sick was that my parents never allowed me to get near them. Most of the time I was inside my room reading a book or playing a game on my phone.
" Are you even paying attention?"
" Huh? What?"
" I said you're lucky to have a sister. I have no one. Mostly because all my uncles and aunts were drug addicts, so they never had kids, and my mom didn't want to have any more kids."
" So where are you going now?" I ask.
" I don't know. Right now its impossible to get a job, with all the protesting." I felt sorry for her. I can't imagine having no one to go to.
" Um I'm sorry to bother you, could you possibly give me a ride to L.A.? That'll be it I promise."
" I guess." I say. I kind of like her. She's nice when she's not acting like a mad person.
" So yes?" She asks.
" Yea."
" Thanks so much." She opens the back door and starts to get in.
" You can ride in front, if you want."
" Oh, ok." She climbs in. I pull out of the driveway and we're off to L.A.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I think you could have used more detail in your story, especially towards the ending. I also noticed that you were changing tenses at different times. Like TheUnknownWriter said, I think it would have sounded better with the mc mentioning her name first before commenting on the death of her parents. For me it sounded a little forward; there wasn't enough build up but that's just my opinion. I do think it was a good chapter though. Keep writing.
Hi Legend!
Overall it's fairly good but I think you could have lengthened it and added a little more detail.
I agree with GeeLyria. I think you should add more of what Audrey is thinking since it is in first person.
""My parents...they....th..they passed away. And I'm fifteen by the way." Its still hard for me to accept the reality. I cant imagine how Stephanie must feel."
I think you can mention her age first then mention that her parents are dead. I think you could have added a bit more sentences here and more details on her parents or Stephanie.
At the end you could add more sentences about driving off to L.A.
A few nitpicks:
" Its ok." It's*
Okay* To me it just looks better spelled that way
All in all, this is good! Keep writing, I'm looking forward to the third chapter!
Your story is alright. I think you have a lot of minor problems too like okay is spelled o.o.k.a.y and the way your spelling looks lazy. Also with quotes they don't have a space between the first word. Ebola is capitalized, at least that is how I saw it in the article. I advise you to add a few more descriptions and reread it again.
Hi Legend!
I like your piece here, but I think there's something missing. This is written in first person and in the present, like The Hunger Games. I like that; it makes it all much more thrilling. However, all you're sharing is dialogue and description. And you're actually doing an excellent job. But, there's always room to improve. Here's my little tip: to make your reader get hooked with this chapter for real, I would try to share what's on the narrator's mind; what does the narrator thinks of what's happening. If you share this, your readers will feel part of the story and they will love it.
That's my only suggestion. Keep writing because you're doing an excellent job!
Your friendly neighbor,
GeeLyria