z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Epidemic: Chapter 1

by Legend46


I edited this so it's the newer version now.

CHAPTER 1

"Mom! Dad! Don't leave me! Please." I wake up from the same stupid nightmare I've been having for the past five days since my parents passed away. I blame it all on the president. If he hadn't brought the infected scientists back to the United States, my parents would be here with me. I always wished to have my parents around forever, but I knew that was impossible. However, I never thought I'd lose them at age fifteen. I envy my sister for having them for five years more than I did. I remember my mom telling me they were going to name my sister Audrey, but instead they named her Stephanie because she didn't look like an Audrey and they named me Audrey. Most people think we're twins because we look very much alike. We both have round faces, hazel brown eyes, and curly black hair. The only things that are different are our noses and lips. We've always been close until she moved away to Los Angeles and left me here in Santa Maria.

Since I'm alone, the only choice I have is to go live with my sister. After I called her and told her what had happened with my parents, she told me to go to her house. She was incapable of coming over here to pick me up because her car broke down. I couldn't wait to see her again, after two whole months of not seeing her.

Being fifteen, I haven't gotten my license, but I know how to drive. To go to L.A. I'll have to take my mom's car since it has more gas than my dad's. A lot of stores and gas stations have closed due to the lack of gas or products. Many farmers and gas suppliers have stopped bringing products into town for the fear of being infected with ebola. I can understand them because I would also be scared of being infected. Most cities, even small ones, have at least a couple of infected people. My parents got infected helping our neighbors move their beds downstairs so they could fill up a room with supplies they needed.

I've learned to look out for the symptoms of ebola. Most people start coughing up blood or getting fevers. Looking out for these symptoms is extremely important to avoid getting the disease my self. My sister says she's been avoiding people she thinks are infected just in case. I'm grateful for this because I couldn't stand losing her too.

I pull out my huge backpack which I once used for putting in clothes when I went to my Grandma's house. I pack most of my clothes, leaving behind the few dresses I own. I also pack a photo album that has pictures of all our family. I take the money I have left and put in my smaller purse. I remember how much my sister loved my mom's old baby blue colored bike. When she was small, our mom would put her in front of her and take her to the park on the bike. I put it in the trunk and my luggage in the back seat. I take my phone and a few things to eat, and climb into the car. Just as I close the car door, a hooded figure knocks on the window.


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Tue Jun 29, 2021 6:44 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a pretty neat first chapter here, there's a couple of point where I feel like a couple of changes would be good for this...but for the most part I think its a pretty nice start to a story here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Mom! Dad! Don't leave me! Please." I wake up from the same stupid nightmare I've been having for the past five days since my parents passed away. I blame it all on the president. If he hadn't brought the infected scientists back to the United States, my parents would be here with me. I always wished to have my parents around forever, but I knew that was impossible. However, I never thought I'd lose them at age fifteen. I envy my sister for having them for five years more than I did. I remember my mom telling me they were going to name my sister Audrey, but instead they named her Stephanie because she didn't look like an Audrey and they named me Audrey. Most people think we're twins because we look very much alike. We both have round faces, hazel brown eyes, and curly black hair. The only things that are different are our noses and lips. We've always been close until she moved away to Los Angeles and left me here in Santa Maria.


Okay....quite a bit of detail there in the opening paragraph, almost bordering on a touch too much there with how big the paragraph ends up being and how many things it actually manages dip into. Its certainly a great choice for an opening paragraph in terms of getting a reader's attention but if the details about the parents and the sister were separate into two paragraphs or the part with the names perhaps cut out, that would make for a much smoother start there. At the moment its a bit clunky there.

Since I'm alone, the only choice I have is to go live with my sister. After I called her and told her what had happened with my parents, she told me to go to her house. She was incapable of coming over here to pick me up because her car broke down. I couldn't wait to see her again, after two whole months of not seeing her.


Well, that seems like their relationship is actually still as strong as it always was despite being separate, that's always good to see...although her having to drive out there all by herself in the state she's in just having lost her parents is probably not going to be very easy there.

Being fifteen, I haven't gotten my license, but I know how to drive. To go to L.A. I'll have to take my mom's car since it has more gas than my dad's. A lot of stores and gas stations have closed due to the lack of gas or products. Many farmers and gas suppliers have stopped bringing products into town for the fear of being infected with ebola. I can understand them because I would also be scared of being infected. Most cities, even small ones, have at least a couple of infected people. My parents got infected helping our neighbors move their beds downstairs so they could fill up a room with supplies they needed.


Hmm, well it appears that this world is stuck in a bit of an ebola pandemic, and well...pandemics in general can be pretty bad as we've discovered recently but hmm, everything seems to be checking out so far. I love how everything is being decided here based on these problems, not only does it make the plot sound more solid, it also lets us know a few details on the outside world pretty sneakily as well.

I've learned to look out for the symptoms of ebola. Most people start coughing up blood or getting fevers. Looking out for these symptoms is extremely important to avoid getting the disease my self. My sister says she's been avoiding people she thinks are infected just in case. I'm grateful for this because I couldn't stand losing her too.


Hmm...that seems like a pretty smart plan there, staying away from people in general is a pretty smart plan in situations like that. Its a pretty neat description so far here...and this is pretty fitting for a first chapter here.

I pull out my huge backpack which I once used for putting in clothes when I went to my Grandma's house. I pack most of my clothes, leaving behind the few dresses I own. I also pack a photo album that has pictures of all our family. I take the money I have left and put in my smaller purse. I remember how much my sister loved my mom's old baby blue colored bike. When she was small, our mom would put her in front of her and take her to the park on the bike. I put it in the trunk and my luggage in the back seat. I take my phone and a few things to eat, and climb into the car. Just as I close the car door, a hooded figure knocks on the window.


Ooh..well..that's a lovely cliffhanger to end on, you start to get some hope that things will be alright and this girl will be able to make here way over to her sister without any problems but you end on a nice mysterious note there that immediately seems to put in jeopardy whether she will make it and well, that's a lovely way to end this story here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this makes for quite a solid start here. There's just a couple of places where it needs to be ironed out just a tiny bit to make things flow a bit better but for the most part, besides that opening paragraph really, this is a pretty good piece. It seems like the sort of story that I'd read here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:57 pm
PrehistoricEchoes wrote a review...



Echo here for a review.

Worldbuilding being my strong suit, I'll start here. I like the premise. Plague stories are interesting, and they offer a lot of variety (especially when done without zombies, as those are far past boring now). However, I think my problem with this story is the use of Ebola as your principle pandemic pathogen. Frankly, Ebola (while current and thus kind of clever) is not the best choice. It's been documented since the '70s, and were it to wipe out humanity, it would have already done so. More likely candidates for a pandemic virus would be a new flu strain, bioterror weapons, or perhaps a mutant or artificially modified strain of Ebola if you'd like to stick with the current choice.

Second, as much as I'd like to voice the ills of the US Government, the president probably wouldn't be making the decision to bring back scientists unless there was a huge public outcry for them to be brought back. Still understandable for the blame to shift to him, though, in the eyes of most people. So you have some good insight into the working of politics and media there!

Finally, the apocalyptic setting feels a little...too apocalyptic. I'm guessing that this whole thing happened in less than a month, as Audrey states her parents died five days ago. That is extraordinarily fast for a disease to wipe out a population. The Spanish Flu Pandemic of 1918 killed 500 million people worldwide in a month, but it didn't wipe out countries and was spread primarily due to poor healthcare and the World War that was going on at the time. It'd be kind of cool to see some buildup to the state the country is in in your story, rather than just getting dropped into it. That might have some more weight as well.

There are also some gripes with the writing as well, but they're minor. I'd suggest removing the tangent Audrey goes on to reveal her name, and there's a little too much telling rather than showing. Overall, the writing's decent.

So I'd just recommend overlooking the premise and maybe reevaluating a few details with the nature of your apocalypse. Otherwise, keep it up! I like reading these kind of stories, as they have a lot of potential suspense and strife to them.

And, on the topic of plague stories, have you read The Last Town on Earth?




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Sat Sep 06, 2014 6:37 pm
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GreekDork143 wrote a review...



I first want to say that this version definitely improved from the last version you wrote. There were more details than the last, but you still didn't exactly provide important details about the main character. I did really love the whole idea of the story because I've never heard of another story like this. Overall, I think this was a really good story and you should continue. Keep it up.




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Sat Sep 06, 2014 2:43 am
lonewolf6693 wrote a review...



This sounds like a really great idea. I have always wondered what it would be like if such a huge epidemic hit the United States. Now get to your actual story:
a) I believe the story started too abruptly. You need to build up the world and provide more description. The details we know on the world and the main character are minimal, and frankly, not important.
b)The details on the gasoline and the attempted killing of the presidents seem out of place and unnecessary.
I really hope you go back and consider revising and editing the story and then continuing onward.




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Fri Sep 05, 2014 7:15 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey there @Legend46! AlexSushiDog here to review your chapter!
I'm a big fan of the disaster/survival genre and, to be honest, that's what I mostly write about. What makes this concept different to others of the same genre is that it is plausible and very dangerous unlike say: Aliens or zombies or something. This short chapter made me get the chills a bit because this virus is VERY real. I like that concept and fresh new angle which moves away from the supernatural. The only other story I can think of that includes a real life pathogen is from The Last of Us, a survival horror game which features a real spore based infection called Cordyceps.
Enough about what I liked though let us move onto things to improve!
1) This chapter needs to be considerably longer to really get a sense of what is going on right now. Right now I feel, as the reader, sort of confused on what is going on. Although in this genre chaos and confusion are needed as one of the main features I really think there is loads more to add. For example maybe adding in more description on the current state of the world or a bit of history on how the virus spread or something. Right now it's a bit to short to be a chapter.

2) We need to know more about the character! I don't know anything about the main character except that his/her's sister is five years older than him/her and that him/her's (this is getting tiring) parents are dead. Heck, we don't even know his/her's name!

3)

Some people have gone as far as trying to kill the president.

In this sort of situation the people's main thoughts are not gonna be "Let us kill the president". It's more "Hey lets go steal some stuff!" then, "Wait, we should probably go!" and then, "Oh dear, I'm gonna die". You need anarchy and confusion in the streets I know but a more plausible motive would work better.

My main point is to make the chapter considerably longer and more detailed. World building is essential in this genre more than any so we need a lot of information. Overall this could be something really good! I think you just need to fine tune it a bit and you are set!
Cya!
-Sushi




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Fri Sep 05, 2014 5:01 am
GreekDork143 says...



It was really great. I liked it a lot.




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Fri Sep 05, 2014 3:06 am
GreekDork143 says...



I really liked the story, but I do have to comment that it may be a little short for the first chapter. I would probably suggest you add a little more details or be more specific. There was a point where the girl is heading to her sister's house; I think it would be good to specify or explain more about her sister and why the girl is going to her sister's house. Overall, I really liked your story. Keep writing. :)




Legend46 says...


Thanks



Legend46 says...


Thanks



Legend46 says...


Thanks



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Thu Sep 04, 2014 8:22 pm
Soulfulwriter says...



that would be a very scary thing if it were to really happen. I wouldn't know rather to move away or to stay and board up the house. Or even go into the attic if it were true. But, I do like the story however the outbreak, I hope it won't be like World War Z.




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Thu Sep 04, 2014 2:07 pm
deleted3 wrote a review...



Hi Legend!

You've got a good concept here, an epic disaster which changes everything will always be a topic of fascination because it taps into a common fear. That said, this kind of story needs a good focus point, meaning a character whose point of view will be the most interesting.

You've got a character who is hurting who has experienced a lot of loss and who has to survive. What I didn't get a sense of is name, age and gender which are the first things I learn about a person I meet in reality, so it's odd when I know everything else about the character's deep emotional pain, but when I try to picture them, it's a person-shaped blank space. This is the most common mistake of first person narrative, because we don't think about ourselves by name or gender on a regular basis, unless someone is calling us, or someone of an opposite gender is present. You may want to put them in a scene with someone instead of being alone.

I would also start at a point where there is more happening in the scene. This was mainly exposition, what you need is to start at a moment of intense conflict. Now, this doesn't mean you need to change that much, you can just add a threat in the very same scene, something which forces the character to leave now. Think about the common threats that would be present in this type of world, and introduce one in the first chapter. Also, why go to the sister's house? How did he/she communicate with the sis? Are they just checking to see if the sister survived? How are people behaving, knowing anyone could be infected? How did it get so much out of hand? Did the nature of the disease change and mutate? Did the breakout coincide with the breakdown of other aspects of the economy? The reason ebola spreads faster in poorer areas is that the technology and the awareness of the nature of the disease is low. This is why they keep saying in the media that it's unlikely to spread through the US. What happens in your story where these safeguards breakdown? You need to do a lot of thinking and research.

I also wanted more details about the loss of the parents. Just saying he/she lost them isn't enough to pull at a reader's heart strings, because you're telling instead of showing. How long ago were they lost? Why didn't he/she get ebola when their immediate family got it? That is one of the main ways to get it, through caring for a sick relative (coming into contact with their body fluids) or cleaning the bodies. So, close family and medical staff are at the highest risk of infection. Research the disease and think about how the nature of the epidemic would affect society, and show that in a scene rather than explaining it. For example, your character should either have a face mask and gloves, or be working hard to find some to protect him/herself. They could also be carrying a ton of soap.

Another tip is to save the exposition for chapter 2, while you focus on a creating a tense personal conflict in chapter 1 to grab the readers attention, and end with more tension than bike maintenance.

Your language use is good, I didn't see any mistakes that stood out, so keep that up. It's quite a short chapter, so don't be afraid to add more details so that we get a richer sense of character and setting.





There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
— Maya Angelou