Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was a pretty neat first chapter here, there's a couple of point where I feel like a couple of changes would be good for this...but for the most part I think its a pretty nice start to a story here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Mom! Dad! Don't leave me! Please." I wake up from the same stupid nightmare I've been having for the past five days since my parents passed away. I blame it all on the president. If he hadn't brought the infected scientists back to the United States, my parents would be here with me. I always wished to have my parents around forever, but I knew that was impossible. However, I never thought I'd lose them at age fifteen. I envy my sister for having them for five years more than I did. I remember my mom telling me they were going to name my sister Audrey, but instead they named her Stephanie because she didn't look like an Audrey and they named me Audrey. Most people think we're twins because we look very much alike. We both have round faces, hazel brown eyes, and curly black hair. The only things that are different are our noses and lips. We've always been close until she moved away to Los Angeles and left me here in Santa Maria.
Okay....quite a bit of detail there in the opening paragraph, almost bordering on a touch too much there with how big the paragraph ends up being and how many things it actually manages dip into. Its certainly a great choice for an opening paragraph in terms of getting a reader's attention but if the details about the parents and the sister were separate into two paragraphs or the part with the names perhaps cut out, that would make for a much smoother start there. At the moment its a bit clunky there.
Since I'm alone, the only choice I have is to go live with my sister. After I called her and told her what had happened with my parents, she told me to go to her house. She was incapable of coming over here to pick me up because her car broke down. I couldn't wait to see her again, after two whole months of not seeing her.
Well, that seems like their relationship is actually still as strong as it always was despite being separate, that's always good to see...although her having to drive out there all by herself in the state she's in just having lost her parents is probably not going to be very easy there.
Being fifteen, I haven't gotten my license, but I know how to drive. To go to L.A. I'll have to take my mom's car since it has more gas than my dad's. A lot of stores and gas stations have closed due to the lack of gas or products. Many farmers and gas suppliers have stopped bringing products into town for the fear of being infected with ebola. I can understand them because I would also be scared of being infected. Most cities, even small ones, have at least a couple of infected people. My parents got infected helping our neighbors move their beds downstairs so they could fill up a room with supplies they needed.
Hmm, well it appears that this world is stuck in a bit of an ebola pandemic, and well...pandemics in general can be pretty bad as we've discovered recently but hmm, everything seems to be checking out so far. I love how everything is being decided here based on these problems, not only does it make the plot sound more solid, it also lets us know a few details on the outside world pretty sneakily as well.
I've learned to look out for the symptoms of ebola. Most people start coughing up blood or getting fevers. Looking out for these symptoms is extremely important to avoid getting the disease my self. My sister says she's been avoiding people she thinks are infected just in case. I'm grateful for this because I couldn't stand losing her too.
Hmm...that seems like a pretty smart plan there, staying away from people in general is a pretty smart plan in situations like that. Its a pretty neat description so far here...and this is pretty fitting for a first chapter here.
I pull out my huge backpack which I once used for putting in clothes when I went to my Grandma's house. I pack most of my clothes, leaving behind the few dresses I own. I also pack a photo album that has pictures of all our family. I take the money I have left and put in my smaller purse. I remember how much my sister loved my mom's old baby blue colored bike. When she was small, our mom would put her in front of her and take her to the park on the bike. I put it in the trunk and my luggage in the back seat. I take my phone and a few things to eat, and climb into the car. Just as I close the car door, a hooded figure knocks on the window.
Ooh..well..that's a lovely cliffhanger to end on, you start to get some hope that things will be alright and this girl will be able to make here way over to her sister without any problems but you end on a nice mysterious note there that immediately seems to put in jeopardy whether she will make it and well, that's a lovely way to end this story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this makes for quite a solid start here. There's just a couple of places where it needs to be ironed out just a tiny bit to make things flow a bit better but for the most part, besides that opening paragraph really, this is a pretty good piece. It seems like the sort of story that I'd read here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 251013
Reviews: 4075
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