Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,357 Literary Works • 674,380 Reviews
This poem is really cool! It's loving yet sad and enjoyable at the same time. Some things I noticed were:
That's all I really have for you. I think you did a splendid job on this--very nice. It was very simple yet I can tell that you put a lot of thought into it. Well writ! Keep of the fabulous work!
Hey Lav.
Starting with the French:
First. Please, please do not turn "le" in "l'" when it is not warranted, like with "ciel" or "miel". It looks, pardon the bluntness, plain stupid. "L'air" works because it starts with a vowel. Neither "ciel" or "miel" do, so leave "le" as it should be.
The first two lines make little sense. "Proposer" at the infinitive at the third line is wrong; "propose" would be more appropriate, as you're adressing him. "Liaison" is a feminine word, so "un" should be "une".
The first two lines are a bit pointless. There's no point to them. The last two make no sense. If I'm referring to your translation, then it should have gone something like "Quel tour nous jouons,/ finissant notre paix", and even then it sounds terribly awkward. Again, you're shortening things way too much. "q'l'on" reads horrible. "Que l'on" is just fine, and looks a lot more serious.
Again with the infinitive. "Dire" should be "Dis", at the imperative. "Finir" is a bit awkward, because it's hard to determine whether you're directly adressing you friend (in which case it would have to be "finis") or to keep it at the infinitive, as a (very awkward-sounding) trailing off to the phrase. "L'eau qui sort de mes yeux" is pure word inflation. "Mes pleurs" works just as well. "Lieu" is singular, and masculine.
For the English: my earlier comments on the pointlessness of the first two lines of the stanzas still holds. There's little substance, and the story you're telling is pretty bland. Try adding more details, more elements that would make it worth reading.
The flow here is especially lacking, as well as the meaning.
That said. It was brave of you to give French a try, and I think you've got ideas that could make for great poems with some work. Keep at it!
Hope this helps.
Phoenix lands for a review.
I don't think the ellipses are needed the formation of putting the two words alone make the break.
Tell of a vision,
Me, I'll be right there.
This stanza seems a bit off for some reason. I guess the translation in English messes up the flow because this stanza is a bit broken. Each line seems too separated.
This is my favorite stanza. It flows better then the others.
I wish I could read French a little better because I think it wound sound better that way. Overall I like it. It has nice imagery and a the narrator of the piece sounds strong. So good job.
Sorry if I didn't help much
Phoenix flies away