z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A Literary Dalliance [Part 2]

by Lavvie


Part 2 of A Literary Dalliance, a short story part of the Saturn project

Sybil’s days became increasingly caught up in Axel Heart’s adventures that even Matthew was having trouble justifying his daughter’s obsession to his wife.

“I didn’t expect this, Lydia,” he said one morning after Sybil had galloped off to the reading nook. He sighed with resignation and took a swig of instant coffee. “Maybe I encouraged her reading too much.”

Lydia swivelled around. Her eyes were on fire and her mouth was pinched into an impossibly thin line. “Yes, maybe you did, Matthew. She does nothing but read all day. There’s no balance.”

“You know, I’ll try to talk her about it,” replied Matthew, standing up and finishing the rest of his coffee before placing it back on the Formica table. Lydia watched as her husband walked down the hallway before turning left and disappearing into their daughter’s own little world. Her anger had subsided as quickly as it had come on and all that she could do now was heave a sigh of resignation.

We’ve lost.

*

The pages were heavy. As Sybil turned each one over, they seemed to weigh more and more on her fingertips, as if the very page was made out of lead. Nevertheless, she persisted in reading and as Hugh Lord’s words drew her in, serif by serif, it was almost as if she was there with Axel. She could see his silhouette moving among the mountains, his taut arms flexing against the pressure of a bow and arrow. She felt the sharp coolness of rain as it lashed across her face and she could smell the fresh soil as it gradually transformed into slick mud. The senses were overwhelming. Sybil peeled her eyes away from the pages and looked up, expecting to see the warm reds and browns that decorated her beloved reading nook. Instead, her vision swam, wiping away entirely the comfort of her home and her parents.

Sybil closed her eyes. “I must be tired,” she whispered, but only half believing herself. Tears slipped soundlessly from her eyes, catching on her eyelashes like dewdrops and painting her cheeks silver. The tears kept falling until Sybil could taste nothing but salt and her skin became slippery with the wetness. She leaned over, felt Imbroglio fall from her knees, and wrapped her arms around her legs. She was soaked to the bone, but how was that possible? Keeping her eyes closed, Sybil let her fingers trail down her legs to her running shoes, but instead of finding the socks and laces, her hands met chilly water. She plunged her arms further forward and found herself grasping at slimy algae. Something with scales grazed her elbow.

Sybil opened her eyes, startled. Before her was definitely not her home. Looking around, Sybil could see that she was crouched in a small reef, complete with the corals, the fish, and other bizarre marine organisms. On impulse, she opened her mouth to scream. Instead, salty water infiltrated her lungs and she tried to cough but to no avail. Her feet slipped from the underneath, arms flailing wildly, until the reef was far below her and she was nothing but a little speck floating in the deep blue sea.

And then arms caught her by the armpits, heaving her upwards. The oxygen above water slapped her in the face like a cold front and from her mouth gurgled lukewarm seawater. The salt burned up her throat and across her tongue like fiery demons, but it was over within a matter of seconds. As Sybil began to focus on what was in front of her, she felt warm sunshine on her face and soft sand at her back. A shadowy figure was leaning immobile over her.

“Axel Heart?” Sybil shot up into a sitting position. The handsome young man placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Steady there. You almost drowned.” Although his voice was commanding, something wavered in it and his eyes were wide, brow furrowed.

Sybil said it again. “Are you Axel Heart?” The man’s brow furrowed deeper.

“How do you know who I am?”

“I’ve been reading about you.”

“I’m sorry?” Ever so gentlemanly.

“I don’t know what happened. One moment I was at home and the next, I am in some ocean. I remember crying and feeling... feeling like I was in some sort of limbo that I couldn’t get out of.” Sybil went as pale as a sheet as her recent memories came flooding back to her like a giant wave. It had been the most uncomfortable sensation – like she was being spread much too thin in too many different places.

Axel’s eyes remained wide and confused, but he still nodded reassuringly. “Okay, we will get you somewhere so you can recover. I still have no idea why such a lovely lady would be so far out to sea and, well, so deep either.”

Sybil narrowed her eyes and stood up. Axel thought she was nuts. “I’m telling the truth.”

“Right,” said Axel, unconvinced, and stood up himself. He had a whole foot over Sybil, but no way was she about to let some so-called chivalrous knight get the best of her.

“Just take me somewhere where I can change into some dry clothes and figure out what the hell is going on.”

Axel gave the strange, waterlogged girl a real once-over this time. “No problem. And what kind of girl are you anyway to be wearing trousers? You’ve got some nerve.” 


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Sun May 29, 2016 10:58 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hello, dear! Thought I'd take a look at this :)

Specifics

1.

“You know, I’ll try to talk to her about it,” replied Matthew, standing up and finishing the rest of his coffee before placing it back on the Formica table.


2.
And then arms caught her by the armpits, heaving her upwards. The oxygen above water slapped her in the face like a cold front and from her mouth gurgled lukewarm seawater.
You flip the syntax every now and then and sometimes it works but it's a little clunky here and I had to read this sentence twice. It would be easier to read if you used the more natural order, i.e. '...like a cold front and lukewarm seawater gurgled from her mouth'.

Overall

This is good fun! I've always liked the stories where people end up trapped in... well stories! I'm hoping that once Sybil is feeling a bit better, she'll use her book knowledge to prove to Axel that she's all powerful. I'm also hoping that she'll actually like him less (at least to start with) than when he's a book character because he seems very old fashioned and I'm sure it would annoy me to meet a man who actually doesn't understand that women have minds of their own (and can wear trousers).

The descriptions in this chapter are good, though I got a little disorientated when she first found herself able to feel water and then suddenly she was in deep but I think that's okay because your main character was disorientated too and you kind of explained it later like she was in some in-between place first and then gradually shifted over to the book location.

There's maybe one thing missing actually - it would be nice to know if Sybil is excited that she's entered the book world or if her immediate thoughts are of worry over how she's going to get home. I'm a home body myself so that's the way I'd react but I know some people have a much bigger first for adventure than I do and won't hit that point until later down the line.

Anyway, thanks for the read and I don't really have much criticism - this is a very solid chapter.

All the best,

~Heather




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Points: 846
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Sun Apr 03, 2016 7:38 am
BlackTea wrote a review...



Great story, I like it a lot! It's very well-written...

I didn't totally understand the very beginning . Why was it so bad she was reading? I mean, shouldn't the parents be happy she wasn't playing computer games?

I thought the part where Sybil falls into the book was very well-written and I liked how you described her senses.

The dialogue between Axel and her was compelling, but I thought Axel might be a bit more surprised?
I also felt Sybil recovered pretty fast, seeing as she just fell into a book she was reading.

Keep writing!





It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind