Yay! It's my Lava-bear~
Ahaaa, okay. So I read this through once and went back to read the first "conversations with Tommy" and it totally makes way more sense now. First of all, it's super awesome how to manage to bring out this really dark and twisted family situation without actually /explaining/ it. I remember reading stuff by Alexander Pushkin where he only referred to things as the reader would know them by actually being there, and it feels, overall, like you do the same thing. You are letting us see the situation for ourselves, so it feels like we're walking with the action, not listening to a description of it from afar. Super nice choice.
Also, there are totally a lot of spots where you forgot to change the tense, so be sure to go back and look through it carefully.
Oh, and before I forget, to answer your question below, I think Emily'd be old enough to go to school. She seems seven or so, but reluctant to progress (and probably hindered by the home situation), but that's not evident unless assumed along with the situation. Otherwise, nothing in the text indicates an age-range.
I want to agree with Rachael on the odd adult-speak phrasing. I was most bothered by this:
I stitched Tommy a new shirt."
You have to be careful. You are obviously trying to bring poetry and flow into the narration, but that can't bleed into the dialogue where it's not welcome. This mom doesn't speak that way, as far as I can feel. It just feels like it came from YOU, and YOU are not the mom, so try to keep them separate when you write dialogue. Same with Alice. I mean, I think I can almost excuse Alice 'cause she's a teacher/care taker, but it still feels a little bit odd. Up to you.
Whoo whoo, that said, some of the poetry feels odd in the description as well. Let's chug right along to this:
She walked across the room while a stray thought to mend the covers on the sofa meandered and vanished as she reached the door.
Because you're so caught up in bringing out the moment, you forget that you've used "while" already, and then you use "as" toward the end. Not all of this is happening at once, so you can't use these temporal modifiers together. I'd say. She walked across the room while a stray thought to mend the covers on the sofa meandered and vanished by the time she'd reached the door. That makes the time much clearer, doesn't it?
Here are some more examples where you lose clarity in favor of frill:
Added as an afterthought, quite possible, because otherwise, it was another plain shirt.
"as an afterthought, quite possible"? Too wordy! No meaning! She did it on purpose, because otherwise it was another plain shirt. By the way, are there a bunch of other plain shirts she made? I'd like to see them somewhere in the story to verify.
She should've stopped when she saw that second purple line for the first time. Of course she didn't; she needed company.
Good intent here, but it doesn't make sense. She needs company so she doesn't stop smoking? Logic does not work here! Fix it up please.
Now, one more thing I am curious about is how she gets outside to feed apples and learn about cookies. She's on the balcony, but how does she get down? And is she ever scared? And hasn't the mom ever wondered?
This is a good start, but it's definitely not finished, dear.
PM or wall-post me with any questions, and good luck! I'd like to see when you post more, please.
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