A little information: Kerala is a state in India. Kalpakkam is a place near Chennai in the state Tamil Nadu where there is a nuclear recator.
This is my first attempt at science fiction. It is quite short. What do you think of it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What I’m about to recount is a very short bit of my life. I have lived for as long as anyone can tell, in the Monazite sands of Kerala, ever since the Gondwanaland crashed to form the Himalayas.
“Who am I?” Alas, I can give you no definite answer. I have been many things and will be many more. Expect the unexpected is the motto of my existence. My very presence and nature has puzzled the scientists for years. They don’t know me entirely even after all these decades of sophisticated tools. I don’t know myself all that well either. That’s enough about me. The following is an account of how the world is changing.
I was used to freely floating about as a particle in the sand. The wind helped me travel miles and meet new friends and neighbors. Though I used to freely move, I was confined to the monazite sands. Life was peaceful, if that’s what you’d like to call it. Then came the day when I was scooped along with my friends into a huge truck. I realized that there were many trucks. The drivers intended to take us to Kalpakkam. None of us had heard of it. It was quite a small journey, but then again, time is of no importance to me. My time references would be different from yours.
They put us into huge container made of cement. We were sealed inside. No escape. They wanted to experiment on us. They were going to tear us apart, literally. I felt scared, but there was hardly any activity among them for a while. A while later, the entire zone (for that’s what I call that place) was abuzz with people running about with strange devices and talking excitedly. I didn’t understand much. Having lived all my life in Kerala, I didn’t understand much besides Malayalam. What they spoke was Tamil, related to Malayalam, but incomprehensible all the same.
I could feel things heating up inside the vessel when I felt excruciating pain. It was pain beyond imagination. It was tearing me apart. It was like a sharp blade piercing through your heart. I tried to pull myself together in vain. I could control no longer and let that neutron pierce me.
I could feel myself at different places all at once. How is this possible? What have they done to me? As these questions ran through my head, I could feel a bit of myself go and pierce one of my friends. This repeated for how many times, I have lost count. Almost the entire zone was wiped out. It was like Chernobyl on a smaller scale(Of course I’ve heard about Chernobyl. News travels, you know). It was all over the news; the reporters came like a swarm of bees to flower. The world leaders condemned this. But wasn’t it brought upon them by themselves?
I was there everywhere. I didn’t know what to call “me” anymore. I could feel myself at a million places. This was the first, but definitely not the last. All they need is power and lots of it.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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The reference to Monazite left me thinking about Thorium, its radioactivity blah blah blah. (I know, I'm bit of a science freak!!)
Coming to you work, the idea is just awesome. It seriously takes talent to come up with a concept like this.
I think you could do a bit more refining on sentence structure. For example,
"Though I used to freely move, I was confined to the monazite sands."
Using "move freely" here helps the flow more.
I especially liked the description of fission. Keep going.
Sciencefreaks FTW! Thanks, Malavika!
It's quite old and another edited version was sent for my school mag!
Sciencefreaks FTW! Thanks, Malavika!
It's quite old and another edited version was sent for my school mag!
Sciencefreaks FTW! Thanks, Malavika!
It's quite old and another edited version was sent for my school mag!
Sciencefreaks FTW! Thanks, Malavika!
It's quite old and another edited version was sent for my school mag!
Sciencefreaks FTW! Thanks, Malavika!
It's quite old and another edited version was sent for my school mag!
Sciencefreaks FTW! Thanks, Malavika!
It's quite old and another edited version was sent for my school mag!
Sciencefreaks FTW! Thanks, Malavika!
It's quite old and another edited version was sent for my school mag!
Wow. This is very intriguing. I like how the prologue is told from an unusual point of view. I'm not exactly sure who (or what) is telling this story. This may not be your fault though, I may just be a bit daft
. Nonetheless, great prologue!
Haha, sorry, I really don't know how to quote stuff...
Hey! Thanks for the review. This is a really cool idea.
Expect the unexpected is the motto of my existence.I don't know if you need to put "Expect the Unexpected" in quotations, but it seems correct. Just a minor detail! I liked this... it's different, but a little lacking in detail. Maybe to make the location seem more real like Mike said you could describe it a little more. I'm pretty much a detail freak though, so you know, what you want to do is what you want to do!
I could feel things heating up inside the vessel when I felt excruciating pain.
Around here you start to use the phrase "I feel" a lot, which didn't really bug me, necessarily, but if you're really picky, you could change the wording of some of your sentences after this point.
That's pretty much it. I think adding more description would help. It's a really cool idea. Seriously. Thanks for the review, by the way.
I guess your right, Face Engine. I just automatically assumed not many people would know about those places and names, but hey, from my neck of the woods it's unknown. My point in the suggestion, though, was to make it have a more universal appeal.
In the end, I guess it ultimately depends on who your writing this for, but since this is on a site with people from the area, I see no problem with it. Whatever you want to do.
I think you should ignore mike's comment on the place names. I'm guessing a large number of Indians know about Gondwanaland, the Monazite desert and Kerala? If that is the case, then the best part of a billion people know about those places-I'd say that's a lot of people! I'm guessing many Indians, and people from other non-western countries, have never heard of places like, oh I don't know, Oregon (I myself only just found out where that was). And besides, you're passively making our (the western world, from which most people on YWS come from) geographical knowledge of the world slightly better.
I really liked this. It challenges the assumption that only life can experience things-something which I have doubted before, although it doesn't affect my lifestyle at all, because I can't just not sit on chairs for fear of hurting all the millions of atoms inside, or never cycle for fear of misplacing loads of air particles.
I can't think of much to criticise, after mike's critique. Just keep up the good work, I guess. I'd say this is more science fiction than anything else-it is fiction to do with science, after all.
Keep up the good work!
You mean "Scientists". You want the plural, not the singular.
I'm not sure what you mean by "among while".
You want to put the parts in parenthesis before the period.
I'm not sure zillion is a real number. Even if it is, it sounds a little childish when you use it. I'd replace it with "I could feel myself in countless place" or whatever you want.
Overall this was pretty good. There were a few issues here and there where you got mixed up with past and present tenses, but otherwise it was fine. I'm not sure if this is exactly science fiction, but no big deal.
Other than that, descriptions were a little lacking. This, along with the use of weird words no one but you knew the meaning to, made it hard to follow at times. Heck, at the beginning I thought this took place on a different planet until you said "Himalayas". Even then I thought Gondwanaland was a space ship that crashed to make the Himalayas. All this mainly sprouted from the weird names and the fact you said this was science fiction.
Anyway, it was enjoyable to read, but could still use a bit of work.