The opening page to my novella

Thanks for the critique, CastlesInTheSky. I am so relieved you liked it! I was seriously having my doubts, you see, because it's something I started with no planning after giving up (YET AGAIN) on my half-written novel. Bleh.
I was trying to go for a mishmash between modernism and the old Gothic style - inspired by this beautiful book I just read, Half Broken Things. By the way, read it, do!
I see most of the things you've picked up on are related to my tendency to over-write things and sound awfully pompous. Two sentences when only one is needed! I'm such a pseudo-toff.

Thanks again! I realise I am in serious need to crit something of yours.


P.S. Everyone thinks it's Ihighton. It's actually an L. Not that it matters!

Hey, there, IHighton! I am so ready for this. -squeals-

Somehow, Laura had known it would be May who rang that time. By no means was she psychic, or in the habit of exceedingly lucky guesses, but it was probably a number of things that led to her conclusion.

'or in the habit of exceedingly lucky guesses' - I have to say this baffled me somewhat. Can you be 'in the habit' of guesses? Maybe break it down, simplify it a bit. Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen?

Not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later.
Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things.

One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.

Yours does have intrigue - the reader wonders what the things are leading to her conclusion, etc - but you need to beat around the bush less, cut down all the wording, be simple. ^_^ Gah, I feel like such a hypocrite.

It being around seven in the morning – a period Laura called her Self Time, for sitting alone with a book and a hot chocolate, or just contemplating – and all in the house being asleep, she knew that only one person would interrupt.

I like this sentence very much indeed. It develops Laura's character in a very short period of time and immedietly makes the reader feel closer to the MC because they can empathise.

It had been an enlightening time of contemplation; the new neighbours certainly needed welcoming, would a trifle do? And she felt that she should spend the morning pruning the rosebush, grown awry of late.

I do LOVE your wording, as usual, Ihight. It's so sophisticated and flows so very well.

Laura believed, with adamant heart, that a woman of a certain age must have some peace of mind at least once a day.

I'm not sure that 'adamant heart' sounds right. Maybe instead, "Laura believed adamantly.'

Even as a young mother running a rapidly populating household, at least one hour in the afternoon had been marked out as her Self Time, for reading a book most often.

The second part of the sentence is redundant because we've already established the whole "Self Time," so nix it.

For the past few days, it had been Jane Eyre again; she had given up on To the Lighthouse yet again, and it lay disposed of on top of the refrigerator, beside an unopened tin of amoretti biscuits that Richard had bought her last Christmas.

Few things - repetition of 'again'. Find a word to replace it. Oh, and 'beside an unopened tin of amoretti biscuits that Richard had bought her last Christmas.' Normally I like details like these - but here it seems a bit insignificant. I'm reading as I review though, so maybe it will be elaborated on later.

Laura couldn’t for the life of her understand how anyone liked Woolf. Jane Eyre had always been a firm favourite, one to pore over, to spend hours on without the least idea that they were wasted.

I totally agree. ^-^

She had long been in a mind

I think, 'She had long had it in mind' makes more sense.

The voice that came out was small but strong, quiet but not the least bit feeble.

'Quiet but not the least bit feeble' is unneeded as we've already established that with 'small but strong' so it's merely repetition. Get rid of one of them.

‘May?’ Laura folded the corner of page

You missed out a 'the' before 'page'.

--- and put her book down with a caressing stroke on of the cover.

A stroke 'on of' the cover? Get rid of 'on'.

Then she had both hands over the receiver.

Rephrase: 'Then she put both hands over the receiver' or somthing like that. "had' sounds wrong.

‘May, I wouldn’t get the least bit “tetchy” if I didn’t have the smallest inkling that’s there are bigger intensions behind your phone calls than nice chats.

Mispellings of 'intentions.' It's with a 't' instead of an 's'.

Jane Eyre would have to wait. Suddenly it looked rather pointless, that tired old paperback with its yellowed pages, read so many times that the tips of the corners were furry. How many times had she read it? How many times had she longed to be Jane herself? Since her teens, doubtless. In fact, she had decided at sixteen or so that her mate for life would be Mr Rochester, reborn in some unimaginable but splendid way, like legend’s phoenix from the ashes. But then Richard had come along. Kind, quaint, bumbling Richard.

I LOVED this paragraph.


Okay; I really, really liked this. I could only find nit-picks for faults. I'm intrigued and hope you post more!