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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Well, this was a very interesting story. There's not a lot that I can find that might need fixing in this story. Description is one thing though. To me, this story seems like it is taking place in a blank room near some stairs. You might want to consider a little bit of description here, and perhaps not just what can be seen. Maybe Harrison smells a little bad, maybe she can smell the sweat off of him. Maybe the refrigerator is humming and adding to the tension or something like that. But little bits of description like that will go a long way toward helping we readers get an image of the surroundings in our head.
And, a bit of a factual thing. I understand that this occurs in the UK, based on the slang of the characters. If that's true, then what's his father doing with a handgun? Civilians can't own handguns in the UK. You might want to explain just how his father owns a handgun, illegally or legally. And, if you can't, you may want to switch the settings. But if I'm somehow missing something on this feel free to tell me.
Anyways, like I said, good story. A look at troubled youth always makes for a good story. Anytime you want something reviewed, feel free to pm me.