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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I pretty much agree with everything ashleylee had to say. The beginning was a little confusing. The transition from childhood to adulthood could have been smoother. There are a few little typos and such, but besides that, I really really enjoyed this story. Like everyone else, the history part of this was nice. It tied the whole story together and made it clear and understandable. I also love the simplicity of your story. It is such a basic storyline but you turned something that would have otherwise been basic and made it lavished and delightfully complicated with the way you put the story into the words. This is a wonderful piece. And do what the others say--expand this story, for there is so much left that could become a more extravagant story!
Holly
Hello,
Wonderful work!
I must say that this story was immensely interesting! Your little blurb before I started reading, explaining the "round the bend" saying really caught my attention. Plus, the whole story flowed really well, making the read easy yet exciting!
Some things to consider....
I must say, that the middle part about how quickly Kitty grew up and how mad her daughter got when she left, left me wanting more. I want to know about Charlie when he was younger, I want to know why Kitty didn't tell her family about her brother, ect.
Also, I think you could add a few more details in here. Like how the sky looked on her way to visit Charlie. Or how her house was furnished. Little stuff like that will really pull this all together.
However...
I really REALLY liked this. It was so different than anything on this site. So unique and novelistic!
Please PM me when you post more of this!
Hey! Welcome to YWS! I must say that before I even started reading this, your little introduction back-up story was very interesting. Really urged me to read on.
How about, 'I am not fat, nor am I old.' ? It flows a bit better. But, seriously. I've read this much without anything to complain about! How come you have to be such a terrific author??
Eh, I don't think demolished is the right word here. How about something that has to do with eating?
OVERALL COMMENTS:
This reminds me a bit of Psycho. Have you seen it? It's where the one man turns mentally into a women - his mother to be exact - for an hour or so. It's quite scary, really. Anyway, just thought that I would throw this out.
One thing that bugs me is your lack of contraptions. Please, oh please, just add a few more. (Don't instead of do not. It's instead of it is.) It makes it so much easier to read and flows much better. Even if it is in the old Victorian speech, save the readers.
Anyway, I thought this was an excellent story, and I hope that it doesn't stop there. It was fantastic! I don't think I've ever read something so... so... real. It just is too wonderful to critique on! I really hope that you continue this. It's way too great to stop there.
Best of luck,
Jared
Really fascinating story, I loved the bit of history at the beginning, but the story was even better...
Solid story telling from the opening line which had a certain poetry to it. The story of the bird was ripe with symbolism which wasn't abstract or stupid. The selections of Katherine's home life were interesting, although you could have gone farther to include Dear Jemima in the plot. The meeting at the end was a bit of a blur, but more interestingly told that way, I think. i was about to pronounce the ending preachy, but, in retrospect I like it better. Don't change any of it.
However, there is more of this story to tell, and I encourage you really go for it. Try to explain Kitty's thoughts more fully, to explain how Charlie became how he became, and finally, I'd love to here more about how "mama cried and cried". I mentioned that I think Jemima deserves a better role, and you've set yourself up beautifully for future additions... For example, Mr. Ford could find out about Charlie in some way. Or perhaps Charlie could escape. There are any number of possibilities.
Great work!