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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Thank you, you are too kind! I agree with you -- on rereading, I like it still but see that it is hurried piece, unexplained in most parts and a bit naive. I am glad you liked it.
I won't be continuing, as I wrote it quite a while ago and intended it to be a stand-alone piece. That's why there is a little summary at the end.
Excellent story. I love the plot line! It reminded me of a series I read a few years ago. I think it was the Gemma Doyle trilogy, except this plot is the reverse of that series' plot. Anyway, I loved your descriptions and your dialogue. The only confusion that I had was when the story fast forwarded in time. I agree that you could have added a little more detail when you opened in the second part, such as the year or Marianne's age and also what had become of her parents. I know that you said she was twenty at the end, but before reading that I was a little confused. I think that these things have already been pointed out but that's my only criticism, so I had nothing else to say except well done! Will you continue this story? I hope you do!
Yeah, I guess the mother's death was not explained fully enough. The father was meant to have got some kind of fever (a man used to England will often not cope physically in somewhere so hot and humid as India). I guess the mother died of grief.
Will work on that. Thanks.
The mistake I saw has already been pointed out so there is nothing left for me to say but...
Nice story!
I like the setting and it was just enough for a short story.
Its kind of sad that they can't move further with their love life, but all in all a sweet story.
One thing I can't figure out though is that we know her farther has died and then you make a small reference later saying that she morned her parents, in the plural. When did her mother die?
This is only my own question and does not in any way take away from the story.
So, once again, I liked it!
Ah, thank 'ee, Thea.
With regards to the age thing, I'm pretty sure I hinted; I'm sure I said she was twenty... I shall check that. Later.
Anyway, thanks for reviewing it and all.
I like it.
It had great clarity, apart from the switch to the latter in Marianne's life. Is she still the same age? I feel there needed to be something in between the sudden jump.
Only a few things I have to pick at:
I think you must mean "...as though they were a joke"
But you probably knew that anyway.
And this:
I see that you're trying to differ from what would normally be written, but, to me, it doesn't sound right.
It makes sound like the mother is literally red.
But that's just my opinion.
Overall, it's great! I really feel the connection between the characters and your language works so that you just know how Marianne feels.