I opened the door to the apartment and rushed to the bathroom to take a cold shower. My dads wouldn't be home for at least another hour. I ripped my clothes off. I didn't want them on. I wanted them to disappear. I put the shower on the lowest temperature and stepped inside the freezing water. I didn't really wash myself, I kinda just stood there, breathing in the cold water. Rubbing it along my body. They told me I didn't have a heartbeat. What did that mean? Did I really die? And what about that boy? Where was he?
“Ede! You here?”, Daddy Joe yelled from the other side of the door.
“Yeah, why are you home so early?” I asked.
“Early? I'm late”, he commented. “You okay?” How can he be late? How long was I unconscious?
“I'm fine, Joe." I lied and then mutterd quietly to myself. "Just died today, the usual, Y'know?"
After another ten minutes in the shower, I got dressed and met my dad outside, he was sitting in front of the TV watching the news, a huge cup of water in hand because he had heard from our neighbor that drinking eight glasses of water a day gives you the same energy as coffee did.
“Look, there was a fire about four blocks from here. Did you see it while leaving Dr-”
“No.” I cut in before turning my back to him and grabbing something, anything from the kitchen. “Did you?”
“Nope, the fire was long out by the time I tried to pass that street, thought something odd had happened, the whole street was closed off.”
“Funny”, I muttered. I ended up grabbing some biscuits and sitting down next to him, I could see him focus on them.
“Want one?” I asked. His eyes flashed from the biscuits to me and then back down to the biscuits. Dad was running for the marathon next spring and wanted to stay fit and healthy, but he was failing miserably.
“One wouldn't hurt, would it?”
“I'm not telling dad, so go ahead.” I smiled.
“Not tell me what?” and dad was home.
“Nothing”, we both muttered at the same time. As you may of noticed, I have two dads. Daddy Joe and Pap.
“What are we eating?”, Pap asked. Setting down his briefcase and loosening his tie.
“How about I make something?” I asked. “You guys sit down and rest, watch some TV, and I'll cook.”
“Ede, should we know something? Are you in trouble and we're not aware of it?” Pap asked.
“What? Puff. I'm an angel.” I smiled.
“Well, if this isn't you making up for anything you burned, broke, lost, forgot, then I'm sitting down.”
I stood up and walked to the kitchen beside the sofa. It was a pretty small house, but to be honest, we we're a small family. Dads always wanted more than one kid, but with all the medication and costs I took, I think they are having it hard with only me. Not that they would ever say that, though.
Since the only thing I know how to make is pasta, I started to boil some hot water. I filled a pot with water and turned on the stove. Blue heat emerged from it and I couldn't help but stare at it. I had no burns before, does that mean...
I stuck out my finger and started to go closer to the blue heat. Taking a deep breath, I pushed my finger inside the flame. I bit my lips trying not to shriek the pain I was having. My skin was dark red. The kind you get if you stay all day in the burning sun. I watched it closely but nothing happened. Gosh I was stupid. Who did I think I was? Wolverine?
Ede, shut up and be patient.
Patient for what?
But Lu was right. Slowly the pain started to heat up even more, aching pain passing threw my finger, and then, the redness was gone, just like the pain. Again, like I had never been burned. I stared in disbelief. What was happening? Am I hallucination? Am I loosing my mind? I breathed in and out and tried again, just to make sure I wasn't going crazy. I grabbed a knife and sliced a piece from the flesh of my palm, the blood dripping on the floor, and watched. Once again, the pain got worse before getting better and in a matter of seconds my palm was back to the way it was. I dropped the knife. I'm going crazy. Oh, gosh. Oh no.
“Honey...What's going on?” Pap asked. I watched them. Should I show them? If they could see it too? Wouldn't that mean I wasn't going crazy? Or would they get angry? And what if I was going crazy? That meant they had to pay more money for my stupid medications.
“Fine”, I said before forcing my lips into a smile. I washed the blood off the knife and the floor and resumed cooking. The rest of the evening went pretty quickly, we ate, talked about the fire, how we were visiting my aunt for Christmas and about my visit to the new therapist. After I washed my own plate and bolted to my room.
I sat on my bed and watched my palm, feeling it. If I was crazy, and I hadn't just healed out of nowhere, then wouldn't they of noticed the blood on my palm? And the fireman even said that I hadn't burned! They weren't all crazy, were they? I took a deep breath before climbing into bed and closing my eyes. I had died today. And then I fell asleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hahaha, I'm back again for The Black Cat Squad!
-...muttered quietly to myself. -
This period should change to a coma.
- ...next to him, I could see him... -
This coma should change to a period.
Oookkkaayy, so you really need to make the introduction of this second dad, Pap, much, much less abrupt. So I'm just reading, and it starts to make no sense when you write 'and dad was home.' because 1) you tagged it onto something different, and 2) this should be bigger, not just a side note that her second dad is home. Its introducing a new character into the scene so don't make that a minor thing.
- Dads always wanted more... -
'Dads' sounds odd so maybe try: My two dads always wanted... because with 'Dads' you almost sound like your talking about one person.
Woah, now I understand why Lu is always wanting her to do dangerous things and hurt herself! He wants her to know that she has some kind of unnatural power!!
As for your chapter, this one seemed a bit rushed but still good all the same. Try to add more detail to events and describe Moreno things--what do her two dads look like? What does her bedroom, living room and kitchen look like? I'm also curious as to which dad she is blood related to? Or maybe she's adopted? One of many questions that keeps the reader reading!
Again, please, please, please continue this work!!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Squad!
Hey...Blushing some more! You just made my morning! Thanks for everything! More details will come!
Hey. Me again. This was one of my favorite passages, and the last two were great to begin with. I loved the humor. The style of it fit it's narrator perfectly. There were some sentences that I thought could blend a little better. When pap said "if this isn't to make up for anything you broke, burned, lost, forgot, then I'm sitting down" I thought it would blend a little better if you said "broke, burned, lost, OR forgot" instead. Also, you might want to, instead of just "after I washed my own plate and bolted up to my room" you should say "after that I washed my own plate and bolted up to my room" the sentence stillage sense, but I thought it would flow better if it were written like that. Sorry if I come across as trying to tell you how to write your story, that's not what I'm trying to do at all. Your storytelling skills and style are amassing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. Thanks for listening to my griping and I hope this was helpful and not too nit-picky.
TheFantasy14
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
To be honest, I didn’t have a lot of bad stuff to say about the premise, the plot, the characters, or anything big like that. I loved reading this and I’m really looking forward to finding out what happens next! Most of my criticisms are just nitpicks, so sorry about that!
I’m fairly sure a read-through of your work will turn up most of the lurking little problems which are dotted around, so I’ll just pick up on a few of your common errors which I have noticed:
It should be “through” not threw. “Threw” is the past tense of “throw”.
It should be “may have” noticed. I believe that if you fiddle about with the Autocorrect function on Microsoft Word, it’ll automatically correct whenever you make this error.
OK, I think most of the other spelling / grammar nitpicks have been picked up on by previous reviewers, so I’ll try not to reiterate too much what’s already been said. Moving on:
I thought the therapist’s name was Miss something, as she said in the first part of the chapter. Maybe change this just to “while leaving the therapists’”?
Just me, but this doesn’t sound quite right. Maybe “grabbing a packet of biscuits” or “grabbing the biscuit tin”?
I felt like at least one of her dads ought to have noticed there was blood on the floor, seeing as they appear to be in the same room as Eden.
One last thing – you asked for a Brit-check, so here goes *switches on the Union Flag-patterned scanners*
Hmm. I’m not sure if I should even pick up on this, because in the UK we do call them apartments. However, it’s probably more common for us to call them flats.
This is probably not worth mentioning, but assuming you’re writing on a Word Document, I’d switch your language settings from English US to English UK, so you spell things the British way. Although, it doesn’t really matter as long as you’re consistent.
Aside from those two minor things, I think you passed the Brit-check, so yay! Sorry this review took a while, but hopefully it was helpful. All in all I really enjoyed reading this chapter. Keep writing!
Hello, Lau! Here's a review for you, mostly I'll just look for nitpicks which need to be touched up.
I opened the door to the apartment and rushed to the bathroom to take a cold shower.
This isn't something but you necessarily have to change, but I think an awful lot happens in this sentence. Your wording makes it drawn out and repetitive. This is the only example of this which I found this the chapter, but here are some suggestions for ways you can fix it. I opened the apartment door... ...and rushed to the bathroom. I needed a cold shower.... I opened the apartment door and rushed to take a cold shower.
“Early? I'm late”, he commented.
You just need to swap the comma and the speech mark.
After another ten minutes in the shower, I got dressed and met my dad outside, he was sitting in front of the TV watching the news, a huge cup of water in hand because he had heard from our neighbor that drinking eight glasses of water a day gives you the same energy as coffee did.
At the end of this sentence, you use the words gives and did, which are two different tenses. It's best to stick to one tense to ensure that the sentence flows well.
It was a pretty small house, but to be honest, we we're a small family.
Just a typo here, forget the apostrophe in we're.
Am I hallucination?
Rather than hallucination, it would be better if your character asked whether he was hallucinating.
Nitpicks aside, you've got a solid chapter here. I love your idea of having a character who mysteriously heals himself without conscious thought. At first (when he questioned being alive) I thought he was a vampire, but now I can see it's more of a supernatural event.
I had died today. And then I fell asleep.
I'd just like to say how great this ending was. He died, but then he just fell asleep. Like it was that easy. This suggests to me that he doesn't really care. Great job! keep writing.
Hey, Lau2001!
The title is what caught my eye on this story, and the first 3 parts have not disappointed me!
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Overall this story is great and I can't wait for more! I will definitely be keeping an eye out for more of your work.
~Myth
I have never liked anyone's review more than yours. Should I tag you when I post another chapter?
Aw, thanks! And that'd be awesome!