Chapter 2: Tom
Day 56, Year 167, 3E
“You’re pretty good!” mocks Marco, another trainee. I chuckle. Everyone knows that I am the best trainee in the class. The only reason I am not upgraded to intermediate is because of my age. There are strict rules that someone my age (thirteen years old) can’t be put into the next level, which is filled with mostly those of age nineteen and higher.
I am fine with being at a beginner level, though. Everyone looks up to me here, and I get a lot of praise from the teachers. Sky Breaker moves seemed to come to me naturally, and I always see a warrior when I looked in the mirror. Tall and muscular, hair cut nice and short (for the ladies) and a spear held perfectly in hand with the best stance of any trainee.
The training room is large, like a gymnasium. Cleared out except for some light target dummies pushed off to the side. It is a light blue with windows spread out at the top of the walls. There are around nine or ten trainees in here and two teachers. It is free to come to at any time of the day, and becomes packed towards the middle of the day. Now it is around three o'clock, and less people gathered in here. Often I am the only one here, just... training; getting better.
Marco looks intimidatingly at me. He’s my best friend. I taught him everything I know, and we always spend the day joking around about anything that comes to mind. He’s expecting me to make a move, but I am going in the defensive stance. He should know that it is my defensive stance, but he fails to pay attention to every detail in battle. It’s the only reason he’s not as good as I am. He’s a year older, and knows all the moves yet relies on brute strength in combat instead of technique. Finally, determined that I will not make a move, Marco charges me with his long wooden stick, just like the one I have. I side step and catch it with my own, and for a second I have the weight of all his strength on my shoulders, pouring pain into my muscles.
But in the next moment I pushed it slightly away and slid over closer to Marco, whose balance is caught off guard, almost tripping him. As if in slow motion I feel the energy of the direction of his next move, and I duck backwards to dodge a jab at my chest. I then spin with my stick in hand to knock out his back knees. He falls to the ground and I point the stick at his heart and smile above him.
There is a moment of shock, and then he laughs hard. I reach out to help him up and he accepts it, giving me a heartfelt hug upon standing.
By now most of the others have left, and Marco notices it. He nods at me in gesture that he should leave too. I nod back and he walks off with a wave of farewell. I then continue my training with a dummy that I pull off of the wall. It becomes dark quickly, and the others leave. Pretty soon I am the only one left. Sweat beads off of my entire body, and my armor becomes heavier than normal. My eyes turn sore, and when my head begins to hurt I sit down for a break. As I sit there I feel accomplished, and I smile to myself. I hear in the background the tick tick of a clock. I try to read it, but my vision is blurred for now. I haven’t recovered from my work out yet. Perhaps I give too much to this. I can’t help it. Being a Sky Breaker is all I have.
Just as my vision is returning to me I hear the slight creak of the gym door open. A swift breeze rolls in, and a large figure is standing in the doorway. They take a step inside and the door is closed behind them. It is easily recognizable as Raul.
“Raul!” I shout excitingly. A smile takes over my face. Raul taught me everything I know and more. He must be here to teach me something he didn’t want the others to know, because of how late it was. Suddenly my tired muscles rejuvenate, and I am ready to practice more.
As his face becomes even closer I can see that he too is happy to see me. I rise to my feet and am taken over by a cold and wet hug from the huge man. “Tom!” he exclaims. “My favorite student! I knew you would be here.”
I blush. I look up to him more than anyone else. In fact, he is something of an idol to me. “Why did you come?” I ask, excitement still in my voice.
“Two reasons,” he answers quickly, already throwing off his coat and grasping a long wooden staff from the weapon rack. “I will tell you the second after you have learned this new move.” Joy becomes evident in my eyes. “Which is the first. Now, this is called Dragon’s Breath, and it is not something you learn lightly. I can only trust you with this move. Your quick mastery of the Sky Breaker magic reminds me of my time training as a youth.”
It was an enormous compliment to be told that I was like the captain of the guard when he was young.
“Now I didn’t learn this until I was fifteen, but you will have to do at thirteen. I swear, one day you will be more powerful than me.”
I blush again. I am so speechless that I can barely focus on what I’m trying to learn. I pick up my staff and he shows me flowing moves, as though he is apart of a stream of water. Dancing. Sparks of red and orange flash around him, showing that powerful magic is forming. Then he spins and a large wave of fire splashes from the air and in at his side. He finishes with a large stance--his feet far apart and parallel--and his staff held out far ahead of him. It is no task with this wooden stick, but to hold out a real spear like that; that takes strength. His eyes are a fiery crimson color and his mouth is held open. In front of his face the fire shot wickedly and as a flamethrower, as though he was breathing like a dragon.
When the flames extinguish he glances at me with a smirk, telling me to try it. At first I am nervous. Fire is a dangerous magic to work with, especially dragon fire. Only a Sky Breaker can control dragon fire, and it was not a simple thing. Usually only those who have mastered their first Sky Breaker class can attempt it. But Raul believes that I can do it, and I trust him. I start by swaying the way he did moments before. I close my eyes, but I know that the sparks are appearing because I can feel their warmth against my skin, and the smell of smoke starts to tingle my nose. I try the spin, but I end up tripping, and the magic is guided to the ceiling with an explosion of flames. I stand hanging my head in shame.
Raul chuckles. “Lucky the building is made of invincible material.” He then notices my embarrassment and places a hand on my shoulder. “Do not feel shame. You have tried something that most Sky Breakers can’t do until finishing their class. You are lucky to be able to control the magic in the movements. I am proud of you, Tom. You understand the difference between magic and pure strength, and you, like me, put it together to have a power unlike any other class.”
I start to regain encouragement. “Now,” he concludes. “The second thing I came for was recruitment.” He turns with his hand still placed firmly upon my shoulder. We both begin to walk and he continues, “The king requires the best from every beginner level in the classes.”
“An expedition?” I puzzle excitingly. It had fifty years since the king requests the best of every beginner school. It usually meant that they would all go on a hunt to find someone with a bounty in the name of Crimson Kingdom. It was the greatest honor for a new trainee and always led to class level upgrade. Finally, I think. I will be at the intermediate level.
“Precisely,” Raul concludes my theory.
I think for a moment. “But Raul... that would require a Silver Hero. There hasn’t been any in...”
“Fifty years,” he finishes my sentence.
“How will he be taught if there is no one to teach him?” I ask.
Raul stops walking just before we reach the door, and I follow his lead. He looks at me and smiles warmly. “We have our ways.”
Then he pushes the door open and walks out. He looks back and his face is shrouded in darkness. “Meet me in the palace tomorrow morning. No later than six.” Then he is gone.
My mind is filled with a million thoughts at this point. I am excited to finally see the great warrior that I was told in school that the Silver Hero is. He must be an enormous and shiny warrior, tall and handsome. He must have the toughest and most graceful armor. His long and silvery sword, and most of all; the claw. The claw is supposedly the most difficult weapon to master, because it is tied to your nerves and feels what you feel. It reacts before your mind tells it too and is extremely powerful. It is advanced technology that channels all of the energy within the strong and powerful Silver Hero. I am so excited to be apart of an expedition, especially one with a Silver Hero, the class that has been dead since the Aridrad-Crimson War.
“Storm be with me,” I murmur to myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hello!
First off, let me say great job! This is a very well written piece, and with a few revisions can be a bit better.
My first critique is this one:
"Tall and muscular, hair cut nice and short (for the ladies) and a spear held perfectly in hand with the best stance of any trainee."
The 'for the ladies part' I feel should be removed. Although it's supposed to be humorous, it makes the story sound unprofessional, and it seems out of place. A description should be straight to the point, and written in a way that does not seem odd.
I liked how you explained everything in detail, so the reader was well-informed. It prevents confusion and makes sure the reader can easily follow along and focus on rooting for the character, instead of trying to figure out what is going on.
My other critique is this:
"I always see a warrior when I looked in the mirror."
Because your story is in present tense, all verbs should be in the present. 'Looked' needs to be changed to 'look'. The reader knows the character isn't currently looking in the mirror, but it's important to make sure they know that when they do look in the mirror, currently, the main character always sees a warrior. Having certain things in past tense can confuse the reader, unless it is explained, like a flashback. Make sure you stick to one tense at a time, so as not to distract the reader from the plot, and instead leave them worrying about when the story is occurring.
Overall, I can't find any spelling errors, and not a lot of grammatical ones. It's a very nice story and the plot is very well thought out. You can clearly see the determination and strength the character possesses, and you were very detailed with describing his emotions. Great job and as always, keep writing and have a nice day!
This story seems interesting at the core, and with some significant revisions, I think it could really shine. I like to begin reviews with things I enjoy about the narrative at hand, and I see no reason to do otherwise here.
Your first-person description of exercise-induced fatigue rings true; I'm especially impressed that you caught the detail of one's eyes getting sore - it's clear that one way or 't other, you've done your research.
For the most part, your grammar holds up, and any hiccups are too minor for me to waste time hunting down and analyzing. If you just double-check the more nit-picky aspects and consult a grammar textbook, you should be fine.
For the more critique-heavy portion of the review, I'll direct your attention first to more specific problems and then to the ones that seem to span the majority of the story itself. The chunks of writing being critiqued will be in quotation marks and my comments will be everywhere else.
"“You’re pretty good!” mocks Marco, another trainee." If this is intended to be read as mocking (which I'm afraid the dialogue tag doesn't really accomplish) I'd suggest that you describe his tone as sarcastic or mocking, rather than what you have here.
"Tall and muscular, hair cut nice and short..." The twofold use of "and" breaks up the flow of the writing and sounds boring when read aloud. There really is no reason to keep both instances of "and," seeing and "nice" is really one of the worst adjectives you can use. Either come up with a more descriptive word or eliminate "nice" altogether.
As another point of critique related to this chunk of writing, this is, essentially, an indirect mirror scene. While this is a cliche that can be done well, it's generally best to avoid it altogether. In this case it's particularly egregious, simply because it tells the reads almost nothing of note. The protagonist is tall and muscular (the second of which could have been left unsaid, by the way) and his hair is cut "nice and short." Is our hero bulky, or does his muscle tend towards wiry? Is he black? White? Multiracial? Does he have large eyes or thick eyebrows or any distinguishing features other than "Tall and muscular with "nice" short hair"? If you're so insistent on including a mirror scene, at least utilize it to full effect.
Beyond those, my only gripe is a lack of character description (less is more, but that doesn't apply when there's none at all) and a more general problem with awkward phrasing. Simply reading the sentences in question aloud will more than likely fix your problems.
And now for the general flaws.
The first, most glaring, issue at hand is that the protagonist is too good at just about everything. It is nigh-impossible for a thirteen-year-old to have raw strength enough to challenge a man six years older than he is (at least without the aid of magical steroids.) Even without the issue of biological lumper limits on strength, when the protagonist is 203% better than everyone else, it ends up eliminating opportunities for meaningful conflict. Worse yet, this is the second chapter of your work - if you're going to have a powerful protagonist (with which there is nothing inherently wrong) it's generally best to do it by degrees. Make them really work for everything - show them practicing their swordsmanship let into the night and let them be sore and tired the next morning. Have their crusty mentor berate them for being slow and then let that critique spur them on to new heights. But do not, do not, do NOT make them as powerful as can be without (at the very least) some seriously heavy cost-benefit issues coming into play.
The next and last overarching issue is the fact that the setting feels somewhat spotty. The story is entitled "Knights of the Crimson Kingdom," and many of the terms (Captain of the Guard, Sky Breaker, ect.) have an almost D&D feel to them. However, you then have elements like the training room (it's compared to a gymnasium, which is a fairly modern word and almost certainly doesn't have the effect you were after.) and the claw of the Silver Warrior, which sounds downright Sci-Fi. Genre blending is always to be encouraged (seriously) but this feels more like inconsistency than anything else.
That's the extent of my critiques, and though there are admittedly a lot of them, I'd like to impress upon you once again that this is a story with serious potential - you simply need to put a bit more work into it and it could really shine.