Knights of the Crimson Kingdom: Exiles of the Fall (Chapter 1)

by LastSilverH3r0

Published December 9, 2013

E - Everyone

In Knights of the Crimson Kingdom

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Knights of the Crimson Kingdom: Exiles of the Fall

Chapter 1

Day 56, Year 167, 3E

I stand lonely as ever in the meadow just outside the city. My mother always warns me not to wander too far from home, for fear that the ferocious beasts that wander about outside our walls would sneak inside and get me.

No one else seems to pay me much attention. I guess that’s how I like it. I know that’s how it is supposed to be. I’m a nobody.

I don’t have a class that I belong to, which means I have no skills. I am age twelve, and most children are chosen at age eight.

My mom says it is my hair length; that it is too long. I know it’s not true, that it’s because I possess no skills of any class.

The classes are Dawn Knights, Dusk Killers, Blaze Eaters, Ice Warriors and Sky Breakers. I still remember what we learned in school about the classes...

Dawn Knights wear the emblem of a mace turned sideways. They use that weapon to smash on enemies, and also use magic to somehow transform their mace with a glowing yellow crystal-like substance into a crossbow of light that could shoot a hundred bolts a minute. They usually like to place themselves in medium armor for a more sturdy, yet faster movement.

Dusk Killers are a fierce and dark class. They are the fastest of the five, and don’t need any weapon other than their fists. Well... they wear knuckles on their fists, which is also the weapon emblem patched to their armor. They use a power generated from the dim light of the three moons. They can summon the dead as a necromancer or just pound on their foes with some Shadow Boxing. They wear light armor for maximum relaxed movement and agility.

Blaze Eaters are the primary magic-wielders on Crimson Planet. They have the emblem of a staff on their cuirass and they wield either a staff or wand as a weapon. They are able to channel all of the energy around them, whether it hot or cold. If there is an immense amount of heat in the area they thrive greatly on it, and they can use their magic to absorb the life within another. It’s a tricky move to master, and only the highly skilled can do it without crushing their own soul.

Ice Warriors are the soldiers of the kingdom. They wear the emblem of crossed swords with a shield behind them. They, of course, carry a sword and shield. They wear heavy armor as well as medium. This is what most recruits end up being, and they truly are noble warriors. They can use the blade with definite finesse and their icy magic certainly freezes enemies in place...

Sky Breakers though... That’s what I want to be. They can shatter an enemy’s defenses instantly with quick jabs from their enormous spears and lances. They, obviously, have a spear as their emblem. They are the greatest warriors on Crimson, and their strength is relentless. They wear heavy-set armor, but move around in it as though they are bare. I believe my father to be a Sky Breaker. I know he’s out there, somewhere. He’s trapped. I’m going to find him.

I rub the scar on my left wrist. It was a painless, yet harsh looking scar that wrapped around my wrist and ended with a large red dot in the middle of the bottom of my wrist. I don’t remember when I got the scar. I don’t remember much of anything. I obtained a concussion, according to my mom, Jessica, and forgot most of my life. She tells me that I lived a normal life just as any farm boy. She tells me about how there are many boys like me; that never become a warrior and just help on the farm our whole life. She says it’s nothing to be ashamed of. That one day I will find a nice girl and together we’ll live normal, unexciting lives. Well, I added the unexciting part.

I let out a deep sigh.

There has to be more to this, I think. I’m stronger than this. I know in my heart that I am meant for more than just living a normal life.

I pick up a small stick off the ground and hold it steady in my right hand. It feels good, and I jab a nearby tree at extreme speeds just like a Sky Breaker would. I feel my wrist move with rhythm and tempo in the strikes. Right step forward:strike. Right step backward: block. Left step forward: stab three times. It feels great to move like this, and I can tell that soon I will do this to more than just a tree.

“Drake!” mom calls from a distance. “Drake, honey, it’s time for dinner!” I sigh a little irritably. “Coming, mom!” I holler back. I finish the strike. Forward and... Whack! A tree branch hits me in the head. My body reluctantly falls to the ground in agony. I put my hand over my head and feel a bump starting in. Ouch.

I reckon I could always use a bit more practice. I chuckle at my own foolishness as I rise from the ground, starting to make my way back home. I have to walk through town even though my house is just by the meadow because of the large walls blocking me out.

As I pass through town I see posters of Lucius, our king on the walls. He is a man of fire, literally. He is a master Blaze Eater, and it really compliments his fiery long hair and beard. On the poster he is smiling and his gaze is trailed off to the side rather than staring directly at you. The people of Esro really seem to like him. I don’t concern myself in politics much, and I’ve never met him, so I couldn’t exactly have my own opinion. My sight shifts to a small store that is closing up. Beside it there are three older kids picking on a smaller child. I scowl at the sight of the bullies.

The tallest one who has long black hair and pasty skin is shouting things I can barely make out but I easily recognize them as insults. The other two are short and kind of chubby. One is bald and light while the other has bushy brown hair and dark skin. The kid being picked on is puny and tan, like me. I look in the reflection of a window on a closed store by me. I am not so tough-looking, and my expression shows one of innocence, not intimidation. My medium-length curly brown hair covers the tops of my eyes where my eyelashes are and curves upwards. I then gain a confident look and try to convince myself of my strength. I walk over to the group with haste. I feel my heart pounding and my adrenaline rush. My mind tells me to turn around now, but the beating from my heart sings a different tune. I can’t stand by, not now. When I’m close enough I shove the tallest guy, whose back is turned to me. The chubbier bullies look at me and sort of shrug, as though I had accidentally walked into the taller one. The boy doesn’t turn around before growling and shouting at the others, “Get him!”

I think about turning and running, but the one being bullied doesn’t get up. He lays there and watches in awe. I notice a hooded figure watching me from afar. I can’t make out anything about the person, except the fact that they were staring right at the scene. Why don’t they do anything?! I think.

The smaller bullies try to attack me with their fists, but I dodge their attempts with ease. But I am caught off guard when the taller one reaches out with his extended arms and I don’t have enough time to move. I am punched straight in the gut, and I fall to my knees. “Don’t you know who we are?” he chuckles in pity. I look to the ground in shame. “We just got accepted to the Ice Warrior academy. We have our backs covered by Tork. You can’t do a thing to us, classless loser!”

The younger boy suddenly gets up and rushes out of here.

“Where are your gods, you magicless twerp?” he sneers. He then holds out his palm and begins to form frost in his fingertips. He no doubt plans to burn my skin with the ice. This i my price for helping someone... It’s then that the hooded figure from before comes from nowhere and lays a hand on the boy’s shoulder. The bully is caught in terror at what had just happened.

“Get out of here, punk,” the figure orders. His voice is smooth and commanding, intimidating to say the least. The bully immediately sprints off with his followers trailing him. I can’t make out the face, but the voice seems very familiar. His robes are purple with gold lining. He is royalty without a doubt. Why would he help me? “My, oh my, you’ve changed...” he mutters mysteriously, and then turns his back to me. There is a hesitation, and then he slowly marches away. I am mystified as well as horrified at what I had just experienced. Who was he? Why did he help me? What did he mean I’ve changed? Could he have known me before I lost my memory? Everything is so confusing, but I push it to the back of my mind. It is starting to get dark and my mom is expecting me.

I get up and hurry the rest of the way home, not looking back.

Dinner is nothing special: potatoes and beans. “No meat?” I ask sarcastically. Mom snickers at the thought. “None tonight, your highness,” is her response. We both laugh. Only the rich can afford meat. It is a joke to consider eating meat for dinner. We might as well be vegan. I then speak in a serious tone, “Don’t worry, mom. One day I’ll be a famous warrior and bring in the coins like buckets of water!”

She smiles. “Ah confidence,” her voice is calm. “food for the wise men; liqour for the fools.”

I never quite understood the saying, but I knew that it meant that I needed to back up my confidence with action. I knew she loved me and respected my dreams, but I often think that she doesn’t truly believe that I will amount to anything. I will prove her wrong. I will prove the bullies in town wrong. Of all the classes in Crimson Kingdom, I have to be qualified for one, right?

We don’t speak again, and I make my way to my room. It seems like so long since my recommendation had entered the walls of the castle. None of the class leaders chose me. My hope begins to fade.

But tonight as I am “sleeping” in my room I hear a pair of voices in my living room. I creak open the door smoothly so they don’t notice my spying. It is my mom and a large and buff guard standing in the center of the living room. A fire crackles in the fireplace to the side. It lights up the darkness and reveals a dark yet friendly face on the guard. There is a scar on his lip up to his eye. He’s the guy from my dream!

“Raul...” I murmur to myself.

His eyes glance in my direction, but I quickly hide behind the door before he sees me. My darker skin helps me blend with the shadows. When I determine that the eyes have left my line of sight I peek out again. “Don’t you see, Jessica,” he pleads. “He would be a great hero, just like me!” His voice... he is the hooded figure from earlier!

“That’s just it!” she hollers in response, her voice filled with slight annoyance. She is using her this-person-is-incompetent voice. “I don’t want him to be like you! I think you should leave,” she demands closing her eyes in gesture that the discussion is also over. She grasps the handle to the front door and yanks it open. The man sighs and leaves, turning around to get something out just before the door is closed in front of him, but just as the sound leaves his lips the door is slammed in his face.

It was unlike Mom to do something rude like that. She must have really dislike this person in order to be like that. But he was talking about me! He had to be!

I knew that he was trying to recruit me for something, and I knew that he was a Sky Breaker! Finally! I threw myself on my bed in excitement. I knew it would probably cause suspicion, but I didn’t care. Soon I would become a Sky Breaker!

For once I sleep like a baby.

Comments & reviews · 6
DarthTedious44 wrote a review Review · Dec 26, 2013

I quietenjoyed this story, the gripping begining caught me on (As well as the simillarity between mine and your stories name lol) I agree with the other reviews of info-dumpy but it wasn`t that bad. The plot could go anywhere and has me guessing and the king I do think he would make an interesting battle. Except for a little grammar errors and in some locations choppy sentances, you have an interesting story starting here.

props to you this is the first story I read on this site and my first ever review anywhere.

Final note check out my story: Knights of Ignis Pinna

I forgot to post my last comment as a review so I didn't get points sorry for spam.

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DarthTedious44 Comment
DarthTedious44 commented Comment · Dec 21, 2013

I quietenjoyed this story, the gripping begining caught me on (As well as the simillarity between mine and your stories name lol) I agree with the other reviews of info-dumpy but it wasn`t that bad. The plot could go anywhere and has me guessing and the king I do think he would make an interesting battle. Except for a little grammar errors and in some locations choppy sentances, you have an interesting story starting here.

props to you this is the first story I read on this site and my first ever review anywhere.

Final note check out my story: Knights of Ignis Pinna

User avatar
SARAHJO
Review
SARAHJO wrote a review Review · Dec 10, 2013

Wow! This story seems interesting and the story line had me gripped! The only thing I think would have made this chapter better were if you fixed your slight errors.

You had some punctuation errors here and there (Mostly commas which is a very common issue, so don't worry about that one, just be careful), and some of your sentences were awkwardly structured. Also, when I first wrote my own chapter to my story, I was told to keep my sentences flowing and smooth. I'd say that your sentences were all a little choppy and short, as were mine.

Another thing I noticed (That I did too), was the fact that you used the subject a little too often at the beginning of your sentences. Make sure to use different words or adjectives when you begin your sentences, so the rest of your story doesn't seem so bland and repeating.

Other than those few technical things, I give this chapter a 10/10 just for being so cool! I enjoyed reading it and I look forward to reading the rest of your chapters.

Good luck! :)

Thanks for the review! I'll get to working on these things!

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cha3739
Review
cha3739 wrote a review Review · Dec 10, 2013

I like what you've got going so far. There's a lot of potential, plot-wise, but I agree that listing off each class and their abilities was a bit info-dumpy. It would flow better if you could figure out how to incorporate that information into your actual story because I'm assuming it's integral to what's going to go on. It also might be a good idea to smooth out the choppy sentences. For example:
"I chuckle at my own foolishness. I rise from the ground and start to make my way back home." could easily be combined into "I chuckle at my own foolishness as I rise from the ground, and I start to make my own way home." It helps a lot with flow. Be careful with words like 'and' and 'but' too. I know I tend to overuse them all the time, so it's something to look out for.
Now for the good! Like I said, I really like the ingredients you have here. You're really descriptive and I love that. I can definitely see this story going somewhere. Good luck, can't wait to read more! :)

Thanks for the review!

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Shindig
Review
Shindig wrote a review Review · Dec 9, 2013

A promising start! We don't know too much about this world other than the class system, so there is still a lot of potential in terms of the direction that this fantasy can take.

It looks like you took time to edit your work, but there were still just a few grammatical errors (e.g. "liqour" - liquor, "This i my price for helping someone" - is*). You should also use italics for thoughts, to make it more clear for the reader (e.g. "Why don’t they do anything?! I think").

There were some parts that I found to be very info-dumpy. In the beginning for instance, you write:

The classes are Dawn Knights, Dusk Killers, Blaze Eaters, Ice Warriors and Sky Breakers.

Dawn Knights wear the emblem of a mace turned sideways. They use the mace to smash on enemies and magic to somehow crystalize their mace with a glowing yellow crystal-like substance that transformed it into a crossbow of light that could shoot a hundred bolts a minute. They usually like to place themselves in medium armor for a more sturdy, yet faster movement.

Dusk Killers are a fierce and dark class. They are the fastest of the five, and don’t need any weapon other than their fists. Well... they wear knuckles on their fists, which is also the weapon emblem patched to their armor. They use a power generated from the dim light of the three moons. They can summon the dead as a necromancer or just pound on their foes with some Shadow Boxing. They wear light armor for maximum relaxed movement and agility.

Blaze Eaters are the primary magic-wielders on Crimson Planet. They have the emblem of a staff on their cuirass and they wield either a staff or wand as a weapon. They are able to channel all of the energy around them, whether it hot or cold. If there is an immense amount of heat in the area they thrive greatly on it, and they can use their magic to absorb the life within another. It’s a tricky move to master, and only the highly skilled can do it without crushing their own soul.

etc, etc.


Although this information is very important, you should try conveying it in a different way. Maybe he encounters warriors from each class when a group of them are passing through the area where he lives, for example. Then he could describe their armor, their weapons, etc. E.g. the reader would experience this themself, as opposed to being told about it.

That's as far as my critique will go, but I have another comment, on this:

As I pass through town I see posters of Lucius, our king on the walls. He is a man of fire, literally. He is a master Blaze Eater, and it really compliments his fiery long hair and beard.


I'm not sure what role you intend the king to play eventually, but based on his name, and the fact that he is "a man of fire", I would guess that he is the final boss, the baddie. If this is exactly what you want readers to think, great! Otherwise, maybe consider changing his name or telling us less about him so that it's less obvious.

Other than that, it was an interesting read. Good luck with this!

Thanks for the review! I see a lot of good points here, and as for the Lucius part... he is actually supposed to end up being the bad guy (but don't worry, I start to reveal that more throughout the story, so it's not that big of a spoiler).

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OwaisKhand
Review
OwaisKhand wrote a review Review · Dec 9, 2013

Quite the story i must say set in a fantasy time on a fantasy world and its quite the conjuring with a mixture of Modern day slang and thinking with medieval fantasy and ideology and you have combined the two to make a beginning of a good story and hopefully you will think of something for the next part and i am looking forward to it and i hope you will continue the pattern and make it a good story.



all of my friends talk to me like a dog rooting through a trashcan
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