Forgotten: Chapter 1-The Transfer Student

by Laradear

Published October 4, 2015

16+

In Forgotten

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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It started out like any other day at John Fels High School. Sunshine and a warm autumn breeze were blowing in from an open window on the other side of the classroom, along with a few falling leaves. I'm the only one in the room, empty desks filling the rows in front of me. I'm twenty minutes early, per usual, because it's quiet and no one can hear me singing. I guess you could say I have stage fright. I try not to think of my problems as i sing, my soft voice echoing slightly throughout the classroom.

”Swirling in a sea of colors, familiar faces passing by,

Laughing with their criticism, I'm trying not to cry. 

Force the pain deep in my heart, lock it up in chains,

Just smile, smile for right now, 

I'll cry another day."

Hearing someone clear their throat, I quickly look to the door to see a boy standing there. I don't think he goes to our school and I've never seen him in class before. He's kinda hot. He has skin that's not quite tan but not pale, either, and deep blue eyes that if you look at just the right way could be considered eerie. He isn't lanky, but he isn't a bodybuilder. He wears a plain white t-shirt with jeans and black nikes. I immediately blush and look down.

"Sorry. I didn't know there would be other people in here.” Well, it's not exactly my fault for singing here. Usually nobody comes to class fifteen minutes early and especially not math. Even the teacher doesn't come in until five minutes before class at least.

“It’s okay. I shouldn't have been listening." The stranger replies and the distinct sound of shoes meeting tile tells me he is slowly coming over to my desk. Of course, the moment i look up is the moment he shoots me a lazy grin and shrugs, leaning on the desk in front of me.

I blush even more and stutter, "Y-you heard me?" Now it's his turn to blush a little bit.

"Yeah...sorry I listened in. Your just really good." At this point I'm sure my ears are steaming and the raising of his eyebrows clearly expresses his amusement.

 "I-I'm not that good...anyway, are you new here?" I say, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, I just moved here from Ohio. I'm Christopher." He walks over and sticks his hand out.

"I'm Sarah. Nice to meet you." I say and take his calloused hand. His hands are so big! I was expecting a handshake, but instead he bends down, brings my hand to his lips, and kisses it. Then he straightens up and winks at me.

 "Nice to meet you to, Sarah. Let's meet again," he says and walks up to the front of the class. The bell rings and a few minutes later students start to file in and chat.


What just happened? Why did he kiss my hand? Especially seeing as we just met! Why did he wink at me?! What did he mean when he said, 'let's meet again'? All these thoughts were racing in my mind as Mr. Brown, our math teacher, walked in. He always was late to first period.

 "Ok, class, settle down, we've got a busy day today." Everyone scrambles to their desks as Mr. Brown continues on, "First on the agenda, we have a new student! Class, I'd like you to meet Christopher Andrews."

The students are dead quiet as they take a moment to observe Chris, from his long lashes and the way he stands-overflowing with a confident suaveness. From his looks I would guess he'll be sucked into the popular crowd right away. Looks like I’m right too, all of the girls in class ar staring at Chris with such intensity I can’t help but wonder why he hasn’t started running.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Christopher and I just moved here from Ohio," he says and, now looking straight at me, winks. "I'd really like to get to know you all better, so talk to me anytime you like."

With that Mr. Brown assigns Christopher the seat two desks in front of me and begins class. Two minutes later I get a note on my desk. I open it and it reads 'isn't the new boy hot!' It's signed with an L. It's from my best friend Lacey, whom I've known since kindergarten. We now sit next to each other in Mr. Brown's Math class. I write back 'Totally. We've even talked already.' and pass it back to her.

 I replay what happened with Christopher in mind and do a half smile-half shutter kind of thing. When she passes the note back it reads 'ooh! Tell me more! ;) ' and so I do. I tell her every detail that happened. When she gets the note and reads it she gives me a playfully jealous look. Then she writes something and passes it to me. 'Lucky! You actually spoke to him. And he kissed you! I bet you've already got him under your spell, too!'

 I write 'I do not! Besides, we just met!' and throw it back so it hits her in the face. Not hurtfully, but playfully. She scoffs silently, reads it, and throws it back. I shove it in my backpack just as Mr. Brown comes marching up the aisle.

 "Ladies, would you care to tell me what was going on back here just a minute ago and why it was important enough to disrupt the class? Hmm?"

 I think for a moment then say, "No, no I don't think we do, do we Lacy?" Lacy looks at me and grins. "Nope. Seeing as we all hate math."

Mr. Brown glances at us as the rest of the class bursts into a light round of laughter. After a moments silence he writes our detention slips with a sigh, turns around, and walks away. He continues on with his thing and we continue on with ours. I glance in front of me and see Christopher watching me. Blushing, I look down. Out of the corner of my eye I see him smile slyly. I wonder what kind of guy he is?

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Eros
Review
Eros wrote a review Review · Nov 14, 2015

Hello Laradear!!

This is Eros here to review your wonderful chapter!! Ohh! I think you have a good and a dashing start!! I like the way you have written everything. The words are best!! The sentences are beautiful!! The way you have described Christiopher and your first meeting with him... Its all romantic. The blushing of Chris, your looking at him with the corner of your eyes and Chis smilinh slyly.... Oh!! I like it very much!

My hands are taking me to the cursor to click on the next chapter...

You are doing great!! Keep it up!!

User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · Oct 19, 2015

Hello! I'm here to take this out of the green room :)
This stood out to me because YA contemporary romance is my favorite thing to read! So let's get started! :)

It started out like any other day at John Fells high school.

Because you give the whole name of the school, "high school should be capitalized.

Sunshine and a warm autumn breeze was (were) flowing in from an open window on the other side of the classroom, along with a few falling leaves. I'm the only one in the room,

I was a little confused because you switched tenses here. Since the rest of this chapter is in present, I would re-word the first two sentences to make them present too just for clarity.

I'm twenty minutes early, per usual, because it's quiet and no one can hear me singing. I guess you could say I have stage fright.

I have such a soft spot for stories that have a musical element in them <3
How loudly is she singing? I'd imagine sort of quietly otherwise people in the hallway would be able to hear her. And is the teacher not in the room yet?

I love to sing but am to chicken to sing in front of others because I could get criticized, like with my family. My family hates the fact that I sing. I come from a family of really smart people. Scientists, mathematicians, anthropologists, psychologists. They hate the fact that I want to be a musician. They want me to be a doctor or a lawyer or one of those boring things and I keep refusing. So I sing out my problems at times like now.

Interesting, but not needed right now. This is a mini info-dump (as in a blob of backstory/character information). In the first chapter you want to avoid this and stick to the action and us getting to know your characters and world. Leave us with some mystery about why she likes to sing and why she has stage fright so we want to read on to learn more. You can show us this information later with an interaction with her family or something.

"Swirling in a sea of colors, familiar faces passing by,

Laughing with their criticism, I'm trying not to cry.

Force the pain deep in my heart, lock it up in chains,

Just smile, smile for right now, I'll cry another day."

I learned this really recently, but a great way to format lyrics or poetry on this site is at the end of the line hold down [shift] and then press [enter]. Then you won't have as much space between the lines.
I would also consider putting this in italics just to separate it out a little more that these are lyrics.
One thing I'm curious about - I don't recognize the song. Is it one she wrote or is it from another artist. If it's from a real artist, you might run into copyright things should you try to publish it, but I'm no where close to being an expert on that.

When I'm finished, I hear someone clear their throat. I quickly look towards the door to see a boy standing there.

I slashed that opening part because it's sort of implied. The lyrics stopped and something else happened, so I would assume she's done singing. OR the clearing of the throat might jolt her or something and make her stop singing because she realizes someone is there.

'I don't think he goes to our school and I've never seen him in class before. He's kinda hot,' I think to myself.

He has skin that's not quite tan but not pale, either, and deep blue eyes that if you look at just the right way could be considered eerie. He isn't lanky, but he isn't a body builder. He wears a plain white t-shirt with jeans and black nikes. I immediately blush and look down.

All of this could be in the same paragraph as the throat-clearing/her noticing him because it's all sort of connected. She sees him and then tells us what he looks like.
Because this is in first person, you don't have to separate out her thoughts because I'm assuming there are going to be a lot of her thoughts. So you don't need the ' around the dialogue in that first little paragraph and you don't have to tell us she's thinking it. We'll know :)
I really liked the description of what he looks like and her reaction. I have a good picture in my head and it felt really natural.

"Sorry. I didn't know there would be other people in here."

Who is saying this? What does she sound like? What's the tone? Is she still looking down? How loud is she? (You don't have to give all of that information, but those are just some ideas about how you can spice the dialogue up a little).

He just smiles and shrugs it off. "It's okay. I shouldn't have been listening."

How does she know he shrugs it off if she's looking at her feet?

I blush even more and stutter, "Y-you heard me?"

Great! The dialogue and the action/description surrounding it :)
You don't have to add in stuff like that for every line (that starts to get annoying) but I think you could sprinkle in a few more details throughout the dialogue. Think about tone, facial expressions, mannerisms, eyebrows, all that fun stuff :)

but instead he bends down, brings my hand to his lips, and kisses it. Then he straightens up and winks at me.

"Nice to meet you to, Sarah. Let's meet again,"

Weeeeird!! If I were Sarah, my creepy meter would be going off right about now :p

[quote[
as the bell rings and students file in and chat.[/quote]
Other kids just now walk in? Like right as the bell rings? Was that a warning bell or something? How does Sarah get to class so quickly if everyone else gets in so late?

What just happened? Why did he kiss my hand? Especially seeing as we just met! Why did he wink at me?! What did he mean when he said, 'let's meet again'? All these thoughts were racing in my mind as Mr. Brown, our math teacher, walked in.

This can be its own paragraph. I'm glad she's as weirded out by this as I am :p

"OK, class, settle down, we've got a busy day today." Everyone scrambles to their desks as Mr. Brown continues on.

"First on the agenda, we have a new student! Class, I'd like you to meet Christopher Andrews."

This can be one paragraph because it's just him talking.

By this point people were already taking him in.

I'm not really sure what this means and I'm not really sure how Sarah would know this. Is everyone staring at him? Is there drool rolling down the chins of every girl in the class?

I'm consumed in my thoughts so much that I almost miss him talking.

I think it will transition fine without this.

We first met when I was picked on by a group of boys and she beat them up for being mean. We've been friends ever since and we're practically sisters. We have sleepovers and talk about boys and just joke and be stupid together. I can tell her anything. And now we sit next to each other in Mr. Brown's math class. I write back 'Totally. We've even talked already.' and pass it back to her.

Same thing as before with the stuff about her family. This is a mini info-dump and you don't need it in an opening chapter. You can sprinkle this information in later. I put the last little part in bold because that's something you should keep because it's her action.

I think for a moment then say, "No, no I don't think we do, do we Lacy?"

Lacy looks at me and grins. "Nope. Seeing as we all hate math."

Mr. Brown glances at us as the rest of the class bursts into a light round of laughter. After a moment's silence he sighs, turns around, and walks away. He continues on with his thing and we continue on with ours.

He just lets that go? I can't think of a single teacher of mine from high school that would have let that slide. I was really surprised he didn't take the note from them or call them out for being disrespectful. He just goes on like nothing happened? That seems unrealistic to me.


Overall, I think this is an intriguing opening. It's clearly being set up from the beginning that Sarah and Christopher are going to have some sort of thing at some point. But you've also planted some seeds for other areas of intrigue and sub-plots and things like that, so I think you're in good shape. You started in a great place, right where an exciting thing happens. So overall you have a good start here! I'm curious to know more about these characters and see where this goes, so I hope you're writing more! :)

And I would be more than happy to follow this and keep reviewing as you post more if you're interested. YA contemporary romance is my favorite thing and I feel like there's going to be a musical element and that just adds another layer of great in my book :)

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!

I think it would be awesome for you to continue on tongue reviewing this, and thank you for the feedback! This actually helps a lot. As for the song Sarah sings in the beginning, those are lyrics I thought up. I plan to use all of my own lyrics in this book for when Sarah sings. :)

User avatar
Raindeer
Review
Raindeer wrote a review Review · Oct 4, 2015

Hello there! Welcome to YWS~ I really enjoyed this.

I'm going to start of with nitpicks~

"Yeah...sorry I listened in. Your just really good."


*You're

"Ok, class, settle down, we've got a busy day today."


I'm sure this is me just being nitpicky, so you may choose to ignore this. >.< I would either capitalize both the o and the k in Ok, or make it Okay. I'm not certain if this is an actual grammatical error, but it seems more grammatically incorrect to just write 'Ok'.

And now we sit next to each other in Mr. Browns Math class.


*Brown's
*math (no capitalization)

I think for a moment then say "No, no I don't think we do, do we Lacy?"


Comma after 'say'.

After a moments silence he sighs,


*moment's

So, anyways, I really enjoyed this! I can already see the plot building up and it seems great! You portrayed emotion nicely through Sarah's self-thoughts, and you gave a nice background of her family and Lacy.

Something seems off about Christopher and I can't help but think what. I feel like he's sweet, you know, but also a little devious. I'm with Sarah on that last sentence: I wonder what kind of guy he is.

Where do they live? I'm wondering if Christopher is a foreign transfer student or if he's just a regular one. I think you could easily sneak in where they live in Christopher's dialogue - "Oh, I really like it here in ______."

Overall, it seemed a bit like your usual teen fiction story (cute transfer/new guy), but the whole spin of things and how it seems to be revolving around Sarah's talent for singing really adds a nice twist to it. Just make sure you don't keep going for the cliche moments and make sure you make it as original as possible.

That's about all I have to say for you! If you'd like, please keep me updated on future chapters so I can read/review them! I'm really enjoyed this so far. :D Keep writing. ^-^

~ EternalRain

Thank you so much! Your advice is very helpful and encouraging. I would love to keep you updated on future chapters, your reviews are very insightful and you seem like a very nice person to boot. Thank you for the encouragement, as well. I love to write but I often find myself critiquing my works to hard and worrying if it comes off to strong or fast-paced.(That's actually my worry about the next chapter because I already have a rough draft done and in editing)

You're very welcome! This site is full of encouraging reviewers so I'm sure you'll be able to get some more wonderful criticism! :D Next chapter I'll be sure to pay attention on your pace ;)



Once you have people's attention, you have a greater responsibility to tell them something of value.
— Tobias Forge (Ghost B.C.)