Published September 28, 2006
Okay this is my first story ever so its probably going to be pretty bad but I’m going to try my best.
Prologue,
The room was dark and musty. Rats crawled everywhere and screams of pain continuously echoed off the bleak walls. One man sat at a nearby table preparing to meet someone.
"Bring prisoner 478902 in," said the man. The guards quickly departed to the cells. Five minutes later they brought in a man who looked the age of twenty because of his dark hair and wrinkle less skin. They shoved him into the chair brutally trying to antagonize him. His ragged clothes barely clung to his beaten body.
"Leave us,” the man said coldly, ” The guards left and the two men were alone. The interrogator began.
"Tell me immediately where your pesky friends and family are hiding"The man being interrogated shook his head.
"Tell me now!" the interrogator added with more force. The man shook his head again.
"If you don't I will personally hunt them down find them and kill them all in front of you!" shouted the interrogator"If you tell us everything we will spare them." The man looked up and spit in the interrogator's face.
"Your promises mean nothing to me, the only reason I'm here is because you see me as a political threat."
"You have sealed your fate then. They will die now, every last one of them," said the interrogator as he walked away. Before he left he heard the man say something.
"Not if I kill you first," said the man as he lunged at the interrogator. Before he could reach him he fell down, crippled from his previous injuries.
"Guards take this pitiful creature to it's cell," added the interrogator coldly. Before he left he heard something.
"I swear I will become your worst nightmare, the worst thing you could possibly imagine," said the man before the guards took him away. The words sent a small tingle down the interrogator’s spine.
Chapter 1
Three years before...
"You are an abomination, the only reason you live is because you are here in the military" Tai would always remember those words from his fellow commander. He had long since gained the privilege of becoming an officer.
Tai glanced at his picture in his apartment below it was his code number: 478902. In that picture he wasn't wearing his crutch that he usually carried around. Tai had learned since arriving in the military that he had a birth defect. That birth defect had affected his leg nearly rendering it useless.
Once inside the training center he stepped into the hologram generator and began his training session. He maneuvered his mech with excellence around laser barriers while gunning down enemy targets. He ran into a grand total of one wall. Impressive he thought to himself as he went out of the training area.
"Hey look, white trash is back again," said some of the soldiers as he came out.
"I told you not to call me that stupid nickname idiots," said Tai as he began approaching him. They all immediately backed off.
"It seems your reputation for injuring people comes in handy," said Derrek.
It's good to have at least one friend around here thought Tai to himself.
"Hey buddy how's it going," asked Tai.
"Fine, you?" asked Derrek.
"I'm doing fine as well," replied Tai "You want to head to..."
A familiar sound then rang in his ears…the alarm bell! Tai and Derrek both rushed to their mechs, for a moment Tai stood there beholding his mech. Boy the new paint on those shoulder cannons looks nice, Titan G7 here I come thought Tai. He quickly jumped into his mech and started it up.
“Why did you sound the alarm bell," Tai asked the commander over the intercom.
“We spotted some stealth ships in a nearby sector, they could be hostile," replied the commander.
“That’s it," said Tai cockily.
“Just be careful," said the commander wearily.
“I’m always careful," replied Tai’s friend Anika over the intercom. Tai saw Anika in her cockpit and sighed. Anika my cluttering friend thought Tai.
“Anika do you always have to clutter your cockpit," asked Tai.
“It’s natural," she replied while looking with her blue eyes at Tai.
“Looks like miss clutter is here to join us," added Derrek. They soon after reached the sector. They were flying in fog and could barely see a neighborhood below.
Chapter 2
“This is where the possibly hostile ships were found, try to talk to them but if they fire you may retaliate. Good luck," said the commander.
“I’ve found their signal and I’m sending it to you Tai," said Derrek. Tai tried to contact them but got no response.
“They’re not responding," replied Tai. Anika yawned.
“This is boring aren’t we on a mission or…” Anika began. She was cut off by two bullets ricocheting off her mech.
“Targets found objective destroy," Tai heard over the enemy signal.
“They’re hostile alright," added Derrek.
Tai pointed his mech’s guns left and right and fired hoping to see some movement. Stupid stealth planes thought Tai as he fired again. He then saw them, about five fighter planes.
“Derrek I have a visual and I’m firing," Tai shouted over the intercom. He fired and hit them sending them scorching to the Earth.
“Whoa watch it you almost shot me,” exclaimed Derrek as his mech narrowly avoided Tai’s shots. Tai rolled his eyes.
“Derrek you can easily avoid a shot like that," said Tai.
“Well, yeah but I might not be ready next time," replied Derrek. Suddenly Tai heard two bullets ricochet off the back of his mech.
“What the…” Tai began.
“Tai you’ve got one right behind you," Derrek cut him off.
“I got him," said Anika as she fired. She missed and hit Tai’s engine. Tai began descending.
“Anika, what on earth did you do," said Tai angrily. Anika laughed nervously.
“Sorry but I think I missed,” she said.
“Tai you’re starting to fall try to use your emergency thrusters," shouted Derrek.
“Thrusters will be active in two minutes," his computer said to him. Tai banged his fist on it.
“Stupid computer," he added.
“Tai you still have the enemy fighter on your tail and he’s trying to disable your thrusters," shouted Derrek. Tai was able to move the legs of the mech to flip it over thus making the front side of his mech facing the fighter. He began trying to shoot down the fighter while trying not to black out from the speed at which he was falling.
One minute,” his computer beeped. Tai ignored it and fought on. He was closing in on the ground very quickly. He could even see the ground.
“3…2…1…activation complete thrusters online," said his computer. Tai immediately used them to flip his mech forward thus plunging the feet down. He then shot down the enemy fighter with ease. He was able to stable his fall so that he didn’t cause too much damage. Tai sighed. Way too close he thought to himself as became airborne again. He regrouped with Derrek and Anika who were both happy to see that he was alive and they headed back to the outpost.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
The shift from prologue/beginning is much better- ten times clearer and it makes the connection as well as giving us another aspect of Tai. ^_^
And there -- the tension comes to a head, finale. It might be more precise/clearer were you to identify 'previous injuries' as 'from previous interrotations'. But as it is, you've consolidated what you started with; good beginning material is now a good and compelling beginning all around. ^_^
Okay I made some changes thanks for the advice everyone. Sorry I couldn't use your suggestion Snoink but it would completely throw the story off. My italics also wouldn't work?! Please tell me what you think!
Gah! I love the prologue! You have to make that more a part of the story! That is the interesting thing. How does he interrogate him? How does he get the information? This shows us a great character development! So you have this character. How does he react to conflict? AHH! The whole thing makes me sorry you cut it short!
You see, your chapter one is dull in contrast. If at all possible, start a story with conflict. In the prologue, you did, but then you cut it short! No! People SKIP prologues. I do all the time. Why? Because prologues aren't important. But this...
Nah... make the prologue the chapter one and develop it further. And then, later, transition to chapter one making it chapter five. Or something.
No! You have talent. You just have to use it well.
Thanks Imp for replying I really appreciated your comments I'll change them ASAP.
Delayed - but here's rather more in-depth response to 'Crutch'. ^_^
I can imagine what you're going for here, bleak - the ugly, cramped and filthy room(s). But the writing wavers on the passive. Were, were, sat...someone... It's vague without being quite ominous because its verbs are weak.
So... Try rats crawled sans 'were'. Then perhaps "...and screams of pain racked ears/walls"? Something happening to something.
What does the fellow at the table look like? Is he thinking? How is he preparing? It needn't be sentences in description; brevity and broken-off thoughts add to the violence/bleakness in tone.
Would you - under the circumstances - note the prisoner's race? It sounds as if you dropped the narrative into the interrogator's mouth. His name, where he'd come from - but 'Asian' is obscure, likely not terribly helpful to the guards either.
Rather worn out maxim, but true half the time (at least) all the same. "Show, don't tell." Did he look twenty - and how? Did they shove him, knock him, drop him with force? Did his clothes hang on him? Stand out or fit with the dilapidated space?
You've got all the material. The passivity of some of the narrative - first sentence for example - gives an almost uncanny distance. [i]That's good. But it may be better if the interrogator has more of the distance, and the narrative has more presence.
"Guards" redundant - we know they're the only others in the room. And then...doesn't want anyone interfering? Being told to get out implies that; and your interrogator seems far from being the sort to waste words.
That - above - a good example of a bare narrative. It's not passive; only minimal. ^_^ (Rather chilling for that.)
Structure-wise, it ought to read -
Interrogator's speech is run-on. And with no other description/character for him, the demand - "You will tell me..." sounds unpleasantly cliche.
Dialogue is as good a way as most or any for telling a story. How your characters speak changes tone, atmosphere - it characterises. ^_^ Would this fellow then say "you will..." or if he's abrupt, or sharp, perhaps he says "Tell me. Where are they? Criminals like you; they can't hide. Where are they?"
For your consideration; 'tis your story.
Again, interrogator goes on...less so than last time.
The phrasing is what leaves you wavering on the edge of cliche. It doesn't sound as if this interrogator is doing much more than repeat his lines - he's got to say what an interrogator would say so he says he'll hunt them down and kill them in front of the wretched, helpless prisoner.
This would flow more freely - more easily - were it part of the above. Like so:
Telling here again -- and what is pure hatred? More violent if he did something - spit, turn away, clench his teeth?
Dialogue giving us a hint as to the story -- works perfectly well. You don't need the tag - 'replied'. It's apparent who said it, and explaining drags the snap of the exchange.
Interrogator's running his sentences together again. ^_^'' Ought to be -- "You have sealed your fate then. They'll die now."
"Before he left...heard -" Again you're telling, now showing and the reader misses the drama in something so passive. 'Before he reached the door' perhaps, 'he heard a whisper'? How does the prisoner speak? Is he slightly raving? Very calm - did he turn to watch the interrogator leave? Is he fighting the guards...or is he limp?
Oy--this is your moment to define the scene and leave an impression before you segue into the rest of the story. Obscure, cold - perfectly good for the narrative. But passive, dismissive tone leaves rather a sense that there was something that ought to have been there that wasn't.
--
The second part doesn't connect at all to its 'prelude', so to speak. And it runs through things. Who is Tai? How does his crutch feel and why is flying mechs?
What reminds him of the words? It would shift well if you could make some connection here between the beginning and Tai.
His fellow commander? Tai's an officer then(?).
Drowned me here in info. Slow down. #_#'' ^_^
The remainder tends to do the same. It assumes a lot, and shows little/less. We could get as much information as the above paragraph gives in one or two reactions and thoughts from Tai. His friends/fellow officers could do that as well - in dialogue and reaction.
Above there, for example Where did 'white trash' come from? Who said it? Tai responds - that tells something about him. How does he think about it, or feel about it?
That's where you've got a chance to tell the story and involve the reader in it. I've had the difficulty of knowing a character well enough I thought Oy, that's obvious - no need to say. Of course, we don't know who Tai is. ^_^
I won't go through the entire second half - this is long enough as it is, I think. ^_^ The first scene is an excellent beginning for its subject - all the right questions to keep someone interested; and dialogue always keeps a scene's pace quick.
Watch the telling habit. Passive verbs, cursory remarks/descriptions will rub-off on a reader - if the writer was dismissive, why read?
There's plenty here worth reading in material. Show it. ^_^
The exchange between interrogated and interrogator - I very much like the suspense, resigned bitterness on the one side, impassivity on the other. It begins with immediacy, draws the reader in. ^_^
...But I haven't got the time at the moment to go through it entirely. !_! I'll be back. If not within the week, PM me. ^_^
The first bit intrigued me enough to keep me reading.
IMP
Please comment on this story as almost nobody on TSR commented about it!!!