Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Thrash! With a splash, a shout with a scream,
Wondering it’s true or her little dream.
The roaring sound that thrills and tremble,
She woke up quick, indeed it’s a trouble.
Mother! Oh Mother, What is wrong?
In fearful tears, she wept to know.
The beating heart, the ruthless care,
For good of yours, you hardly bear.
My clothes you’ve torn, I’m wounded,
Every act you put, you spilt my face.
Suiting your greed, you break the stink,
This poisonous milk I have to drink.
Leave me alone, to abandon your heir,
Come closer but keep your hand a far.
Get away with retribution unfair,
In need of breathe with a life to share.
No more sorrow, not a pain to cover.
The love I need in a word to keep.
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Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Review time,,,,
I would like to point out the positives and negatives of this poem. Before I do this though, I would like to say that I thought this poem had talent. Even though it is a short poem, I felt like most the words flowed together. This describes love in a way I can't explain. Now on with the nitpicks.
Improvements
*It could be a little longer, I felt like some words were rushed.
Positives
*The relationship of the two characters was well described.
*There was great description in the words.
*I like the last sentence, it made for a good ending.
overall I thought this was an amazing poem. You show great talent, and I am so glad that I took the time to read this. Are you going to publish more work soon? I would love to read some more of them. Please as a favor to me, keep writing.
~cassaundra~
Hi Lamjingshai, Amindor here.
Your poem is absolutely brilliant, and it has a great symbolism behind it. It has a great flow, and it's great, but I do have one concern.
In some parts of the story, you could have used a more vibrant vocabulary to grab the reader's attention more, even though most of it was okay.
That's pretty much it. It was wonderful, and I can't wait to read more of yours in the future.
Keep on writing!!
Happy September Review Day!!
I really like the first line. It's loud and fun.
"Wondering it’s true or her little dream."
I think you forgot the 'if'. If you left it out on purpose, I suggest you put it back; it's necessary and sounds much better.
"Mother! Oh Mother, What is wrong?"
I know it's a poem, so speech marks aren't needed. But I thought that she was thinking it rather than weeping, as you said later.
You used really good words, they sound all fairytale!
"The love I need in a word to keep."
Where's the rhyming word for keep? I'd like to see one.
Well done!
Brilliant! That's what I can comment at the first sight
I loved these lines
"Come closer but keep your hand a far.
Get away with retribution unfair,"
I think these lines would sound much better if you twist a word here and there for each sentence
"Thrash! With a splash, a shout with a scream,
Wondering it’s true or her little dream.
The roaring sound that thrills and tremble,
She woke up quick, indeed it’s a trouble."
The vocabulary is great! I do not have any major mistakes to point out. I think you have done a great job! You can be a great poet. Just follow your dreams and you will see.
Wish to see more from you.
Thanks so much!
KEEP WRITING AND ALL THE BESSSSST!