Numb
Cold and dumb
Sitting in a dark room staring at the wall
Wanting to end it all
My face and eyes blank as a canvas
Hearing the voices outside my door begging 'Someone please save us.'
The nameless
And the faceless
All wanting the same thing salvation
Someone to save them from their damnation
I close my eyes so I don't see them
I close my eyes so I don't hear them
I close my heart so they can't see the pain I hide
Inside
Behind a fake smile
Look at me once in a while
When I smile
You'll notice to your surprise
It never reaches my eyes
Scream at me make me feel
Make me real
Help me care
Numb
Cold and dumb
In a dark room staring at the wall
Wanting to end it all
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Very, very eloquent! I loved the style and that very subtle rhym scheme. So much emotion in so few words. Wonderful job!
Such emotion, such power in poetry. I love it. When I read it, I almost saw myself. You really know how to write an image. Keep writing for the sake of writing and sooner or later you'll get more comments.
Hey there! Firstly, welcome to YWS. Why not introduce yourself in the Welcome Area?
Ok, so onto the review!
One of the foremost things I think you need to work on is your rhyme scheme. A lot of the time, it seems like a good idea to implement a rhyme scheme into your poem. However, one of the most effective ways to put across emotion and a message in your poem is by scrapping a rhyme scheme and writing your poem in a freer, unstructured way. This leaves you space to write what you really feel, rather than shoehorning your words to fit a rhyme scheme. The rhymes you have at the moment hinder your poem because they make it seem quite forced and unemotional. For this poem, I'd definitely recommend taking it down a different route such at unstructured.
Secondly, why not take a look at your punctuation. Here is a very useful article about punctuation in poetry, I'd read it through and revise your punctuation a little bit.
Now, let's take a look at the message that your poem gives us. I think you have an interesting idea, and some parts are written well, but it's horribly held back by the rhyme scheme. I think that you need to expand on emotions more in the poem, and make the reader empathise. This could be helped by the use of poetic devices like similes and imagery, they really add depth to the poem and will be great for you to use.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me!
Again, welcome!
-Amy
As both the people above me, I agree about the rhymes, but I still think it was a great poem
Urm, just one thing confused me :
Is the second line meant to be "I close my ears"?
I could be wrong, most likely! But I was unsure
Great poem though, good job
As the person above me said, if felt like you were too focused on finding a rhymne and not enough on really capturing that emotion. I'll also agree that the rhyming couplets could've been unrhyming or alternate, just so that you aren't focusing so much on that rhyme.
My main problem here would be the rhyme scheme. I know that rhyming couplets can be hard to work, but sometimes it feels like you're sacrificing the meaning of a line to make it rhyme, which you should never do. It doesn't seem to flow as well as it might do, which is partly due to there being no rhythm (which is absolutely fine, although it might be interesting to try writing something with a rhythm just as a challenge to yourself) - it might be an idea to use a different rhyme scheme with alternating lines.
Other than that, though, great poem, with a really strong meaning behind it (and a lot of the rhymes do work, don't worry) - I love the use of repetition in the middle.