Alright, this is an extremely short story (paragraph is a better word) that I wrote after a random comment from a friend. I figured I'd go ahead and post it here.
"I don't want to go to class." I pouted to my friend.
"Then don't go. Skip." She said, annoyance clear in her voice.
Skip? I'd never seriously thought about it. The idea was like the fruit Eve was told not to eat; so tantalizingly tempting I couldn't help but reach my hand out for it. My hand froze, hovering over the fruit at the last minute. The wind blew, threatening to knock the fruit from the brittle branch it hung on. But still I stood, still my hand floated just above the fruit. The wind blew, and the fruit fell, forever out of my grasp.
"I can't." I said as the bell rang.
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I really like this 'paragraph'. I think it really put into perspective the whole 'forbidden fruit' thing, because Eve's situation was just like that, temptation for a thing you wanted most. And it's short, so it makes me think there are more situations like this, just like this one every day.
Hiya, Pink here
So, I actually found what you meant by using the apple as her thought on skipping class, I find myself in the same situation sometimes. Like, no matter how much I want to, I just can't do it! I'm too good! lol
But this is short, nonetheless. Maybe you could have used it in a story or made it part of something a bit larger but then again, it's all up to you. So, overall it was good, I thought it was a bit clever, anyways
Cheers,
~Shear
It felt a little weird to me, comparing a common exchange between friends to something as momentous as the forbidden fruit. You hardly get kicked out of the Garden of Eden for playing hookie
. The paragraph about the fruit itself was good, but the context made it a bit awkward for me. I would love to read it if you were to expand on it. Keep writing!
-Lauren
Not a lot to read, but the idea of what your trying to say is good. Even if it was just a random comment you probably should have tried to add a bit more to it.
There really wasn't much to review. I guess it was a quick, interesting read, but thats it.
Good work,
Wicked Wonder