This is my first story on YWS. I am here to beg you to give me constructive criticism so I can become a MUCH better writer. So without further ado, here it is.
Gunfire could be heard throughout the night-darkened city. This was normal ever since David Hartwell had successfully taken over the country of Ahorai. But to concentrate on the nightly patrols would be madness. No, tonight was one of the most important moments of his life. Tonight was the night that the heir to his rule would be born, and he would no longer have to worry if someone managed to assassinate him, or if he died of some other cause.
A woman's scream filled the air and David jumped. This sound too was usual, but tonight it was a different kind of pain, the kind that a man couldn't ever experience. He got up, pacing nervously. The child was supposed to be a male, but ultra sounds were wrong on many occasions. He didn't have anything against females. He actually quite enjoyed them, but in his mind's eye he could only see another powerful male ruler. More screams. David was tempted to go in, relieve the woman he had used of her pain. He started then stopped, scolding himself. He couldn't go in. Well, he could, but it was best not to. With shaky hands, he turned and walked to an open window, climbed out onto the ledge and pulled out cigarettes and a lighter.
Stay calm, he thought to himself, inhaling. His heart pounded with excitement. He had interviewed hundreds of woman, spent personal time with each of them, until he had found the right one. The one he himself deemed worthy of having his child. Her name was Katlee Rets, and not only was she beautiful, she was smart and had a good personality. With his genetics mixing with hers he hoped to create an amazing specimen of life that would rise his empire to even greater heights, and eventually dominate the planet. The third scream nearly caused David to swallow his cigarette. He pulled it out, smashing it into the concrete beside him. It had actually been fairly easy to take over Ahorai. All he had to do was marry the king's daughter, and kill the king and the rest of the royal family. He snorted at how cliche' it was.People were idiots, but David was determined to fix that, or at the very least, hide it. The other countries had done nothing about it; none of them cared enough. The world was divided, and David would take advantage of that, taking down each country one by one. The screams receded slowly, making him jump less and less. Finally, a new scream filled the halls. The scream of an infant.
David stood up, and went back into the hospital, leaving the cigarette to be taken away by the coming rain. He waited a few moments and the nurse came in, holding a writhing bundle. He took the child, looking down at it. The child was a girl. She had a full head of blond hair to match her mothers, and his black eyes and dark skin.
"What is her name, sir?" The nurse asked nervously, wanting to be as far from her ruler as possible.
"Her name is Nerice Tillie Hartwell," David said. The nurse nodded and went to fill out the forms. "Guards." David called, immediately followed by two huge men entering the room.
"Yes, sir?"
"Kill the woman; I no longer have any need for her." He said, not taking his eyes off the child.
"Yes, sir." They said, going into the hospital room. Two gunshots sounded, followed by two screams that cut off before they were fully formed. He walked into the room to see the doctor and the woman drenched in blood. He nudged the doctor with his foot.
"Did you really have to waste a perfectly good physician?" he sighed with mock exasperation.
"Sorry sir."
"It's fine. Go get a new one." And with that, David turned and walked out of the room, down to an elevator and into a limo that had been waiting several hours for him. "Well little one." He said, sitting next to the child in the car seat. He looked at the child, his new tool. "I was hoping for a male, but I guess you'll have to do. Welcome to the world, Nerice."
End of chapter
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is an intriguing one there to start on. I don't believe I've seen something quite like this here. We've got ourselves someone at least by the first impression you're trying to portray here doesn't necessarily seem to be of the commonly accepted sort of "good" type and yet we've got that person in a very vulnerable position there waiting for the birth of his child. It makes for an interesting little contrast here. I for one am definitely quite intrigued by where this is going.
Well this is a nice little injection of backstory there, although no it does fully confirm that this person definitely isn't the sort of protagonist you really expect and this seems far more like a villain of some sort. Some of that odd softness still remains though and I think that works quite nicely here. Despite all the horror we're seeing, the bit of softness shown in this particular instance adds a nice extra bit of character to this person.
Hmm, well this just kind of thoroughly shifts all that greyness all off to one side here. I'm not entirely sure if that makes this a great ending or a horrible ending. On one hand, It sort of defies expectations and showcases that the person who has such an evil air to them will always be just as evil, but it also reduces them back down to that more one dimensional, I'll do bad things because I can sort of ideal. Its an interesting thing to consider at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there Lady,
I'm Tanya, pleased to 'meet' you.
I won't go through the mistakes made throughout this piece because Bluewaterlily and Stella where rather thorough. I've just come to comment.
Stella's right - many reviewers have a bone to pick against prologues. Personally, I'm alright with them, if they are well done. I think this one is very well done. In just a few words, you painted a very vivid picture of this new cruel ruler. One question. You said that he married the king's daughter and killed his family. Did that include her? I suppose so, since he looked for a mother-to-his-child elsewhere but maybe it should be mentioned.
One thing I'd like to point out. Keep in mind that once you've created such a strong character, you must keep him . . . in character. Meaning, you must continue painting him as a cruel man, ready to do anything to get what he wants. Keep that in mind when you're writing your other chapters.
Also, it would have been nice to know what he felt about his new daughter. Did he stare into his eyes and recognise his own haunted soul in them *or something like that*. Does he really care about her, or will he simply use her as he did her mother. Well! I'm getting ahead of you, here.
Would you PM me for the next installment, I'm curious to know where you're heading with this.
Tanya
Hey Lady! Welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella and I will be your reviewer today
So go on and get out there in the forums!
Just one thing before we start- YWS believes in a what goes around comes around policy for the most part- the more you review, the more you'll get reviewed
Now. Review time.
I. NITPICKS
Yes, night generally does darken things. Well done.
Wow! That's the first event of the story, but it doesn't have a new paragraph to itself?
too.
mind's eye.
A good personality? More, please.
king's.
cliché. Also, how is it cliché?
Confused about dialogue punctuation? Demeter's article explains it all.
Alright.
II. OVERALL
This wasn't bad, and it definitely gives a good sense of the world that you've created, and the character. The question is, is it really necessary? So many stories start off with a prologue about the main character's birth. Isn't it more interesting to read it as the character finds out for themselves? I don't know. But it isn't bad, it's pretty good as prologues go
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hello, I'm bluewaterlily, and I will be reviewing your story.
There should be a hyphen between night and darkened.Red=corrections
Blue=comments
Okay, infodump! This is telling, and sometimes telling is okay, but it's better to show. Showing is describing what is happening with descriptions, dialogue,and action. Telling is basically summarizing, and though it's acceptable occasionally, used too much, and it becomes boring,like a long,rambly lecture in your least favorite class. Here's an article to help you with showing and telling: ahttp://www.explorewriting.co.uk/ShowingTellingFiction.html
There should be a comma between the two words.
To should be too.
I think it would be better and less confusing if you changed It to The baby or The child.
That comma should be a comma and minds should be mind's.
He should be lowercase.
Again with telling.
kings should be king's.
Instead of the comma being after or it should be in front or
That comma should be a semicolon.
A comma is needed after finally.
Why would he climb through a window? Couldn't he just walk through a door?
Never end a sentence and then start the next sentence with the same word. Maybe you should reword it like this: The infant was a girl.
A comma is needed between name and sir, because the nurse is addressing David, and the comma separates the phrase from the name or title. Also, The should be lowercase.
That period is supposed to be a comma.
That comma isn't needed.
The period should be a comma.
A comma is needed after yes.
That comma should be a semicolon, the period needs to be a comma, and He should be lowercase.
There should be a comma after, the period is supposed to be a comma, and They should be lowercase.
Instead of saying a commotions sounded, maybe you should say, Two gun shots sounded followed by two screams of terror and pain. Because who wouldn't scream when they're being shot?Just a suggestion, but when David walks into the room, you could make him show disgust as he stares at the dead doctor and his wife.
He should be lowercase.
There should be a coma after sorry.
If he's a king, then why would he take a taxi? Wouldn't it be a limo?
A comma is supposed be after world.
Overall: This was a good story; I liked it. Usually, world domination is cliched, but you did it in a unique and interesting way. You did a good job of showing David's character. The only things you had trouble with were punctuation, capitalization, and showing and telling. Other than that, this was well written. And could you please indent your paragraphs; when you do that, it makes it so muchn easier to read and review. Please send me a P.M. when you write the next part. Also, feel free to P.M.if you need help with anything or if you have any questions. Good luck with your writing~bluewaterlily.