Crystalline - Chapter One, Part Two

PreviousNext

Thanks for everyone's reviews from part one, it's kept me going onto the rest! Enjoy:

Crystalline - Chapter One, Part Two - Begin:

“You did What?”

I grimaced, backing away from Janice. Though I knew I couldn’t die, I still found myself with goosebumps running up my arms. Janice’s face, usually calm and contemplative, was now half transformed in wolfish anger. I had seen her like this a few times - when I first found her, when her boyfriend dumped her for another guy, and when one of her former pack members had tried to contact her again. I had been with her through all that anger and the grief that followed. But never had I been on the receiving end of her rage. And I never wanted to again.

“You let a vampire into our apartment? How the fuck could you, Sonny?” She was standing next to the TV, the only place in the lounge room where the vampire had not been, hands convulsing as her nails grew at an exceptional rate. I raced over to her and grabbed her shoulders urgently. Hair was beginning to sprout from her cheeks and ears.

“Janice!” I pleaded. “I didn’t think it would do any harm. He was injured; he couldn’t have done anything to us. I promise! I’m sorry, but I thought it was the right thing to do.” I shook her gently, hoping that she was still able to hear me. “I just had to know why he was here and why he was injured.” I gave an exasperated sigh and hung my head, ashamed by my innate curiosity. After all these countless years I still couldn’t help but stick my nose into other peoples business.

I felt Janice’s hand on my chin as she lifted my head to look into my eyes. The facial hair had receded and her nails were back to its normal length. She studied me for a few minutes before taking her hand away and rubbed her face. “So, why was he injured then?” She asked, deflated.

I took a deep breath before answering. “I think he’s being hunted.”

And I knew I was right. After the vampire had left I laid on the couch for a day and a night, until Janice had come home just now, thinking. Images of his Aura combined with the few words he’d said kept flashing through my mind, as I tried to piece it all together. He’d been running for a long time. A very long time.

* * *

It was another typical Tuesday night, small crowd, mostly regulars at the bar and a few love-birds on the couches. I was running on autopilot as usual, pouring beers and scrubbing glasses. These were some of my favourite nights at the Blue Pole, just me and Janice, no need to think, no need to…

“Hey, Sonny!” A voice across the bar interrupted my thoughts. I looked over to a group of aged guys, veterans of the bar. “Can we get another round?”

“Sure thing, Barry.” I replied and grabbed the glasses. As I was pouring a throat cleared loudly in front of me and I looked up, prepared to tell an impatient customer that they’d have to wait. I was startled to find myself reflected in clear, emerald green eyes. The eyes were wary but there was a hint of amusement in them. It was him. The vampire I’d been trying not to think about all week, and failing miserably at it. The amusement in his eyes grew more pronounced and I realized I’d over-poured the beer and it was currently spilling over my hand. I hurriedly mopped up the mess and fixed up the drinks once more without looking up this time. I took my time ringing through the cash and wiped the counter before I returned. I looked over the bar; taking note that Janice was in deep conversation with a couple in the corner. Placing my hands on the bar top, I looked once more into those deep green eyes.

“So, can I get you anything to drink?” I asked, a faint trace of sarcasm slipping out despite my best efforts. I slapped myself mentally. What was I doing? Being friendly with a vampire? I steeled my emotions.

“No thank you, I’m fine.” He replied in a voice so polite it was almost as sarcastic as mine. Almost. “But…” he hesitated for a moment, as if debating whether he should continue. He shuffled in his chair and took a deep breath. “I would like to apologize for last week. I wasn’t expecting anyone to help me at all.”

I nodded slowly, vaguely registering that the vampire was uncomfortable, something I'd not seen before. “Well, it’s not like you could have harmed me anyway.” I grinned in spite of myself. “No harm, no foul.”

He grimaced slightly but hid it quickly behind a weak smile. “Another thing I wasn’t expecting.” Suddenly he tensed and glowered down the bar. I turned in time to see Janice, hands frozen on the counter, her eyes fixed on the vampire.

“Sonny,” My name came out as a whiplash, low and menacing. Her hands balled into fists and she was shaking.

I swore under my breath and held my hand up to my new friend, as I felt him tensed, ready to spring across the bar. “Take five, Janice.” I said slow and firm.

Her eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

“I said take five. Trust me.” We stared at each other for a moment before she threw her hands up and stormed out the front door. I breathed out. That was close, I thought. I looked back at the vampire and he was settling back into his chair, though he looked as if Janice might come bursting back into the room. This, on second thought, might just have happened. I knew she wouldn’t be able to stay out there on her own for long, in any case.

“Well, how about that.” I muttered, “I wouldn’t have thought you’d come in here knowing there was a werewolf around.”

He grinned but his eyes were still tense. “Neither would I. I guess I’m out of practice smelling the dogs. You don’t usually find any in populated areas.”

I laughed at that. “Well, you obviously haven’t been in too many cities lately. Melbourne aside, there are many packs living in the cities these days. Brisbane has the largest with 10 wolves in their pack, last time I checked.”

Janice and I had come across them last year while we were on holiday and they were very eager to talk with Janice. She had flat out refused and didn’t want to have anything more to do with them. We spent the rest of our holiday as far away from them as we could.

“Huh.” was the vampires only reply. He didn’t seem too interested in pack movements.

“So how did you find me anyway?” I asked, remembering the apology he’d given me earlier. Surely he didn’t track me all over Melbourne to say just that.

“Oh, I’ve been following you for the past week.” He said matter-of-factually. My eyes widened and I opened my mouth to give him a piece of my mind. He seemed to sense this was coming because he added quickly; “Only to verify that you weren’t a danger to me. I haven’t survived this long without being cautious.”

“And yet you walk into a bar with no knowledge of a werewolf being in your midst.” I pointed out, the sarcasm making a grand comeback.

He laughed at that, seeming genuinely surprised at himself. My anger faded slowly, and I remembered Janice was outside waiting for me.

“You’d better get going - Janice is going to want to come back in soon.”

He nodded and slipped off his seat. “Is there a back exit?” He asked with a smirk.

“Sure.” I replied, pointing. He was about to leave when I suddenly thought of something. “Hey! What’s your name, anyway?”

He turned back to me, “Sabian.”

“Mine’s Sonny.”

He smiled once more. “Yes, I know.” And then he was gone, the back door closing quietly behind him.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

You can earn up to 246 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.
User avatar
Musicaloo7311
Review

Hi, Ariani! Music back for round two, my darling. :)


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

“You did What?” <---What shouldn't be capitalized. :wink:


I had seen her like this a few times - when I first found her, when her boyfriend dumped her for another guy, <---So her boyfriend was gay? It sounds so casual- as if you're saying he left her for another girl. I think your MC would have put more emphasis on the fact that he was a guy, and I feel that that would be unimportant to the story.


She studied me for a few minutes before taking her hand away and [s]rubbed[/s]rubbing her face.


The eyes were wary, but there was a hint of amusement in them. <---You tend to forget some commas throughout the entire story, especially when used in compound sentences. Be sure to revise that, darling.
Start a new paragraph here. It was him.


“Sonny[s],[/s].” My name came out as a whiplash, low and menacing.


“Huh[s].[/s],” was the vampire's only reply.<---Don't forget those apostrophes!



Language Usage & Writing Style: I think that your flow was a bit off in this piece. Some parts seemed a bit forced. One of your problems is the MC's thoughts. I think that her personality should come through more. Try and give her a special quirk that is original and unique.
Also, you left a lot of things unexplained, and then some things that weren't so important were spent a while on explaining them. Not every important part should be a mystery, and try not to waste time with filler, darling. Be sure to focus on your plot, and not the back story, which should be subtly told throughout the first few chapters, not dumped on us. :wink:


Imagery & Emotion: You had some imagery, which was good. I think you seemed like you were trying to hard at points, though. Make it sound natural. She's not really thinking about a run-down of someone's entire outfit, okay? (You didn't do that, but that was an example. :))
Also, add more things from other senses. I feel like I only got "sight". What does her bar smell like, for instance? How did the overflowing beer feel on her hand? and so on.
As for emotion, it was there, so congrats for that. Now, you need to work on having it come through in the dialogue and body language instead of your MC simply saying, "She was angry." Have Janice's dialogue become fierce and speak for itself once in a while. :)


Characters: I don't really know your MC yet. The vampire is a mystery, but that's supposed to happen. I feel like I get Janice, but I'd like to see little, surprising details about her as the story goes on. Make them all a bit more "rounded out", all right?
As for the MC, I feel like she's on the verge of being a Mary-Sue, my dear. What's so special about her? Sure, she's a witch, but right now, it seems more of the plot, and not who she is. Get me? Make the reader care about your character. Give her something easy to relate to, but different. Little habits, subtle things like that. :D


Plot & Storyline: Okay, so I'm guessing this is going to be a love story between the witch and the vampire, which will cause fights between the witch and her best friend, the werewolf, but it'll all work out in the end, right? Give it some plot twists along the way! Maybe you'll turn it into an action plot, and I'm just assuming wrongly. Maybe it won't have a happy ending. Maybe it will, but an unexpected one. Give it something unique! Other than that, it's going nicely, I'd just like to see something a bit more exciting soon!

Overall, good work. A bit of revising, and it will be a fine piece, m'dear! Keep up the good work!

Love,
Music



If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson