Okay, so this is including the intro I posted earlier, plus the rest of the first half of the chapter. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews, it's helped me a lot. I seem to be having some troubles with the tense! I think I'm switching from past to present tense. Tell me what you think:
[Begin - Crystalline
Chapter One, Part One]
I have lived a long time. I have seen many things, many wondrous things, and many more terrifying things. I have both cursed and been cursed. I have taken life, but have, myself, died more than once. I am not proud of many of my acts, but what's done is done, and I will not look back. Recently, I've been more inclined to lead a normal life. Prejudices based on uniqueness have become rarer over the past hundred, or so years.
So while I tend to keep a low profile, I can’t help but feel a little more relaxed. This is Melbourne after all, nothing interesting ever happens here.
“Sonny. Sonny! We’ve got a problem.”
I looked up to the source of the voice, which not many others would’ve been able to hear normally, as the music was pumping and everyone was talking loudly to each other. Alice motioned me over from the other side of the bar, a frantic look on her face. It was her first month at the Blue Pole and she was still getting used to the Friday night rush.
“What is it, Alice?” I shouted to her.
“We’re out of Coronas.” She said. I turned to the customer in front of her, a gaudy twenty-something boy with a giant hole in his ear-lobe and a frown on his face. I smiled as politely as I could by way of apology. His reaction didn’t change.
I turned back to Alice, rolling my eyes in mock annoyance. “Don’t worry, I’ll go get some more.” She nodded and I headed out the back to the store room.
I had been living in Melbourne for long enough, and had spent most of my time job hopping. For some reason I have never been one to settle down. A product of my long life I suppose. Then one of the few friends I have here sat me down and told me to do something with my life. Janice is a very perceptive girl; she knew that I was unhappy, that I needed something productive to do. It was her idea that I start up my own business. I’d certainly never thought about it before. What’s the use? I thought. There are hundreds of businesses around, why would I want to? But Janice had a point, it was something to do. It wasn’t like I had a lack of money or experience.
So I bought a space in the city (a former underground nightclub) and decided to create something that was my own. That was how I came to create the Blue Pole. I started out by creating a quiet, alternative atmosphere; a place where people could chill out and relax on one of the many couches, have a drink at the bar and just catch up with friends. Soon, word spread, and local artists began to approach me about wanting to display their artwork, which turned the Blue Pole into a gothic, offbeat gallery and also one of the most unique bars in Melbourne.
As the door slammed shut behind me, the music quietened noticeably and I took the opportunity to stretch my neck and roll my shoulders. I caught myself in the reflection of a large brass mirror leaning against the back wall with various other art pieces, all waiting to be hung. As usual I see my aura, translucent and distinctly crystalline in its shape. My straight black hair, normally wild with curls, sits just above my shoulders. My clothes reflect the feel of the bar – black, tight and see-through. My hands reach instinctively to my neck, where a dark green gem set into a brass metal choker sits. I fingered the inscriptions on the sides lightly with my fingers, repeating the words in my head.
I heard a crash from outside and I shook my head, remembering where I was.
I grabbed a crate of the popular Mexican beer and made my way back out to the bar, which thankfully was still in one piece. Janice was out of the state for the weekend and so it was just Alice, Jared and I holding down the fort. This never used to be difficult; Janice and I used run this place on our own in the beginning. Over time, however, our nightclub has become a little more popular. Naturally, our staff has had to grow to cope.
Jared is a goldmine; quiet, efficient and extremely capable under pressure. Standing very tall, he often comes across as being intimidating, but is far from it. Raised on a farm in the country; he moved into the city to do a degree in computing.
Alice is small, slight and bouncy with bright blue hair that she wears in pig-tails. She looks like she’s come straight out of one of those twisted Japanese Animations and is also my most recent artist to join the ranks with her dark faerie canvases.
She gave me a huge grin as I handed her the Coronas, all previous frustrations forgotten, and I turned my attention back to the masses.
***
“See ya later, Sonny!” Alice sang as she raced towards a waiting taxi. I refused to let her walk home, no matter how close she lived.
“Have a good night, Sonya.” Jared’s quiet voice came from behind me. I refrained from telling him off, I knew I’d regret telling him my real name. I shook my head at him and waved a goodbye in response, as he was already making his way down the street, iPod booming in his ears.
I checked the door to the bar one more time and, satisfied that it was locked, I made my way towards home. Janice and I had been living together for over 6 years. We owned an apartment in St Kilda right by the beach, which was perfect because we both love to tan our days away, and occasionally go for a swim. We are also members of the local beach volleyball club, and have several trophies on show in our lounge room.
I made a detour towards the beach club now, figuring I had better find out when the next tournament was on, but as I began walking up the ramp I heard a thump from behind the building. I paused, curious. It wasn’t uncommon for drunks to come to the beach to make out, or pass out, depending on the intoxication levels. I usually just left them to it, so I was surprised when I heard nothing more, just the howling wind and the distant seagulls. I moved around to where I’d heard the sound come from and was shocked to see a man lying against the wall, blood from a gash in his cheek dripping onto his muddied shirt. I rushed over to him and felt for his pulse, but there wasn’t one. I was just about to take my phone out to call the police when the man groaned, very quietly. I backed away slightly and took a harder look at him, feeling for his aura. I gasped. Not only was he alive, but his aura was a deep purple with shimmers of gold.
“A Vampire.” I whispered, feeling the hairs on the back of my neck rise. He groaned again and his head rolled sickly to the side. I shivered. Common sense told me to leave him, to run away, but I ignored the impulse and knelt down in front of him. “Can you hear me?” I asked him in a half-whisper. His eyelids fluttered, but he didn’t respond. I sighed. There was only one thing I could do. I reached out and grabbed his arms, pulled him over my back and began walking to my apartment. All the while giving silent thanks to the fact that Janice wouldn’t be there. She would find out later, no doubt about that. No single vampire and werewolf have stood in the same room together for over a thousand years, and that ended in a bloody massacre. I should know, I was there.
I winced at the memory as I carried the unconscious vampire through the front door and laid him down on the couch, shoving off books and papers in the process. Taking a deep breath I wiped my forehead and realized I had blood on my hands. Looking down at the unconscious figure I made sure that he was comfortable and then made my way into the kitchen to wash up. Back into the lounge room I sat on the coffee table, contemplating the person in front of me.
He was tall with strong arms and a sharp, chiseled face framed by sandy brown hair. I examined the cut on his face but that had already begun to heal. Frowning, I searched his aura again, knowing that his current physical state had nothing to do with his external injuries. As I ran my hands over him I detected a dark cloud of deep green and grey around his chest, an indication that he had been experiencing incredible amounts of stress for a very long time. I kept moving my hands up his body when suddenly his aura flared gold and his hands grabbed mine in a fierce grasp. I stifled a scream as the man glared at me.
“What are you doing, bitch?” He demanded in a hoarse voice. His eyes darted around the room and back to me in a swift movement. “Who are you?” He yelled.
I swallowed loudly. “My name is Sonny, I found you unconscious on the beach. I brought you back here, to heal you.” I tried to look reassuring, despite the fact that his hands were beginning to make bruises into my wrists. He looked around again frantically and back to me.
“Lies.” He hissed, and pulled me closer to him, bearing his teeth.
I knew the inevitable was going to happen and sure enough as his mouth reached for my neck he choked and spat, pushing me away from him as if I were poisonous, which wasn’t too far from the truth, really.
“You,” he breathed. “You’re not human!” He looked at me stunned and I resisted the urge to laugh. Probably not the best thing to do in this circumstance, I thought. Suddenly he grabbed the front of my shirt, keeping me at a distance this time. “Are you with him?” He shouted at me, and I cringed.
“With whom?” I gasped. “Who do you mean?” His nails began to dig into my skin and I tried not to move, for fear he’d rip my chest open. I knew I would heal in a few hours, sure, but the pain can be almost unbearable at times. His eyes searched mine with such intensity that I felt like I was being interrogated without words, but as I looked back into his eyes I saw nothing but confusion and fear. He growled, threw me down on the couch and stood up. He took one more look around, glared at me, and ran out the door.
I stared at the door for a few moments, then down at my hands. “Well," I sighed "that was interesting.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Okay, tenses changed. Will work on it more after the Easter break!
Thanks a lot for that, Music Lover! I don't know why I have such problems with tense. Perhaps I'm just not used to writing past tense, as opposed to present tense. *sigh* I still have a long way to go. I think I'll spend the weekend patching this up and working on the rest of the chapter! I'd love to get that finished by mid next week *laughs* I live on the little goals in my life
Hello, darling! I'm Music.
Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:
You had a bit of trouble with your commas and punctuation in dialogue. Check out these articles for help on that.
-Commas
-Punctuation within dialogue
Language Usage & Writing Style: I thought you did pretty well. You had a problem with your sentence structures, though. You tended to repeat the same type of structure a few times in the same paragraph. Make sure you use all types to get your point across.
Also, you did have a bit of an issue with the tense. Be sure to look carefully over your work and see if it's all on one tense or not.
Characters: This is the first chapter, so there's no need for your characters to come completely undone. I want to see little hints as to who they are, not your narrator explaining them. You know what I mean?
I liked your narrator, but could you include what she is, please? Is she a witch, as the vampire calls her?
As for the vampire, you did well with him. You left mystery. Good.
Imagery & Emotion: Your imagery is wonderful. Sometimes you were a bit over the top, so make sure you have it just subtly at points.
Emotion... I want a bit more. I want to have her hair raise on end when the vampire grasps her shirt. I want to have her a bit annoyed by her customers and the droning beat pulsing in her head. Things like that. A bit more descriptive and you'll do wonderfully.
Plot: You had me hooked throughout the entire chapter, even if it didn't get really good until the end. I want to know what happens with the vampire!
Overall Impressions: Overall, I thought this was a quality piece. With a few revisions, it would be something very worthwhile!
Keep it up, my darling!
Love,
Music