~Elodie's and Daniel's Story~
*Prologue*
To say “I love you, but…” is to say, “I did not love you at all”.
He knew he shouldn't blame her for the mess, the dishes in the sink that hadn't been washed, and the fact that all there was in the fridge was an almost empty butter dish, half a jug of rotten milk and some wilted lettuce. It's not her fault, she's been just as busy as you, he told himself over and over, but the world-old cliche in his head that it's the woman's job to keep the kitchen stocked is burnned into his brain at that moment, and he couldn't even begin to fathom the thought of shopping by himself.
He heard her key in the lock, the loudest click he'd ever heard in his life, and so he turned and tried to unclench the fists down by his side, but he couldn't because he was just so angry that he wanted to scream. She walked in, and he saw her smile, obviously relieved to be home for the first time in a week. But he doesn't notice that stuff. All he saw is a person that is ignoring his needs and wants, and is self-absorbed and needy. All the feelings that sometimes floated into his brain coming to the forefront of his mind. She never wants to go out because people make her nervous, he grumbled to himself. She has to change her clothes four times because she thinks everything makes her look fat. She clings to me like a baby monkey everywhere we go. I always have to save her when she's depressed and doesn't want to get out of bed. The thoughts came in a rush, flooding his brain and pushing anything else out.
"What's the matter?" She said, hesitantly, almost like a deer trying to decide whether to approach the person offering food.
"I--"
He interrupted her once again because he was afraid if he let her speak, he'd feel guilty for blowing up at her. "I swear to God, I do so much for you, and you do nothing in return! You don't clean the house, you don't wash the dirty clothes, you can't even stop by the stupid ass gas station on your way home from rehearsal to pick up milk that's not sour!" The scared look was slowly fading from her eyes, the surprised look receding too. Anger was taking over, and he felt just a little worried. Maybe I've gone to far... he panicked.
He had no idea what kind of a day she'd had. Had no idea if maybe she was past breaking point already, if he was lighting the stick of dynamite. But somehow, he made himself stop thinking this guilt inducing thoughts. He was angry, and he wasn't going to back down. "Everything I do for you, and you just don't even appreciate it! And I'm sick of it, Elodie! I'm so sick of waiting on your every whim and never getting anything in return!" Her face was turning red, always a danger sign. She was either going to cry, or scream. And he wasn't sure which was worse.
And he, the person she trusted most, had basically just thrown it in her face. He expected her to cry, but instead her face was wiped blank. She pressed her lips together and blinked her eyes quickly a few times, finally raising her hand to slap him. Then, when he had readied himself for the blow, lowered her hand slowly, letting it fall to her side. "Leave. Go. And don't come back." Her voice was so cold he felt himself shiver without even meaning too. It was hard, unforgiving anger. I've gone too far. There's no maybe about it. He wanted to say something, wanted to apologize for flipping out, beg her to forgive him.
But something in her expression told him that doing that wold be a terrible idea. It'll do more harm then good. Just do what she wants. So instead he spun around and walked out the door. And when he shut it, he leaned against it for a second, long enough to hear the strangled sound that issued from her. He walked away from the apartment door, his heart in his throat and unwanted tears flowing down his cheeks.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hi there! Here to review your piece of work on this marvelous day! I will review as I read to make a little more easier for both of us!
Here goes!
“To say “I love you, but…” is to say, “I did not love you at all”. - I've fallen in love with your opening line already! I've never heard of this before either.
“He knew she had trouble connecting to him, to anyone, in fact, and he appreciated the fact that she tried.” - You don't need the extra comma after the word, fact.
“the woman's job to keep the kitchen stocked is burnned into his brain at that moment” - Ahh! I hate him! You've done such a good job of creating a character that we don't want to root for!
“She said, hesitantly, almost like a deer trying to decide whether to approach the person offering food.” - I love this description. You have a wonderful way with words! I think that you should have only used this analogy once though to make it more effective. It didn't have the same impact the second time round if you know what I mean.
I'm so glad she chucked him out! I would like to have seen a bit more description as to what this couple look like. Where your writing, dialogue and analogies were GREAT – I couldn't quite picture them in my mind.
Good luck! I look forward to seeing the next chapter!
Olive <3
Hey, Spark! Here as requested. I'll give you a review for each chapter.
Despite it being an older work, this is really, really good. The grammar is nearly perfect, the style is just phenomenal, and the tone is strong enough to keep me inside of the story and keep on reading and reading. Kudos to ya! I love the details and how you strung all the words together; it had a lovely effect, and it really did built up.
But we all know writers can improve, right? So! Let's add even more details, yes? This piece has a luscious amount of emotional and poetic-sounding words that make the tone real strong, but seems to lack just a teensy bit on the physical side. That's actually kind of funny considering that most people are the other way around, so I'm sure this is an easy fix.
The best way to grab and immerse the reader in with the physical details is to incorporate the five senses: sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste. Adding these things—even if it's just a few—makes the story pulse and come alive. And although your story is really a gem that is most definitely alive, we can add more spice and colors into it, yes?
I loved the beginning, by the way. It immediately hooked me in the story, and that's what the prologue is for: to hook the reader into the story while giving them a brief overview of it. Good job!
Now, for a little grammar nitpick! (I know, what a groaner, right?)
Underlined = typo of practically.
Red = should be lowercased.
The best way to explain why it's lowercased (since sometimes it's not) is to set out examples.
Grammar Lesson 101! (And excuse me if you already know this since this is an older work and all.)
"This is a sentence," she said. <== correct
"This is also a sentence," She said. <== incorrect
"This is a sentence!" she said. <== and correct
"This is a sentence!" She said. <== nopenope
"This is a sentence?" she asked. <== correctcorrect
"This is a sentence?" She asked. <== bzzzzt
"This is a sentence," she said, "and it's FABULOUS!" <== cooorrect
"This is a sentence," she said. "And it's FAAABULOUS!" <== also correct
"This is a sentence." She paused. "I like soup." <== correctamendo
I hope that cleared it up. I really liked this, and I'm going to click that chapter one link...now!
Reply back if you have any questions, and keep writing, Sparks.
~Carina
Yo, Spark 2 da Doubt, I'm here to read and review this as promised!
There's nothing wrong here, I just want to say that I really love this as an opening line
The phrasing of this sounds a little awkward to me. Maybe you could rephrase it to something like And when he gets home, he's angry, annoyed, and just plain tired. Nothing seemed to be done. Right now, I just think there are too many and's and not enough commas!
Okay so this is awfully long for just one sentence, and it is a little tedious. Maybe cut it up into several sentences? Also, you've got a double n in burned when it only needs one
This is a little contradictory. He apparently sees her smile, but then you say how he doesn't notice it... so technically he didn't see it. Err, kapeesh? Plus the sentence after these ones begin with All he saw is a person that is ignoring... which emphasises what I'm saying even more
Spot the typo!
Practically
Okay, so I actually really like what you have here, and I think you've given us the perfect amount of information for a prologue. You've given us a sense of your characters and who they are, but you haven't given everything away. The ideal balance, if you ask me. I think you've portrayed emotions pretty well here too, and I really love the conflict between your characters. You've managed to create some subtle action, and it's only the prologue, so really well done there
So in terms of critiques, I don't really have loads because this is a pretty short piece and a good one too, but there are one or two things I'd like to mention. The first thing I noticed was that you can have a tendency to swap tenses at times. This isn't a huge issue, but you'd occasionally write in present tense and then suddenly swap to past tense, only to swap back to present a few sentences later. Basically, if you're going to write a novel/story in past or present tense, you have to keep it in that tense throughout (except for when there are things like letters, dialogue, thoughts e.t.c. in the piece). Like I said, your tenses weren't horrific or anything, but I'd consider revising this and double checking them if I were you.
The only other real critique I have for you is regarding Daniel's character. I do think he's a good character, definitely interesting, and he seems pretty complex which is a good thing. It's just that I'm not sure I... understand him? That isn't necessarily a bad thing in itself, but the reason I don't understand him is because he tends to contradict himself occasionally. For example, one second he's worrying and panicking that he's being too mean or harsh on Elodie, but then moments later, he's screaming his guts out at her. It just seems like if he genuinely felt that bad, he wouldn't be able to get so angry literally seconds later after having
those feelings. Does that make sense?
The only other thing I'm going to mention is emotions, and your portrayal of them. Like I said earlier, generally I think you've done a good job of portraying them. It's just that I think you could do even better, I mean this is a very emotional situation and so I think you can get away with really emphasising those emotions. For example, maybe add more physical descriptions to portray your characters' feelings. Note how Daniel's palms are clamming up, his forehead is slowly leaking sweat, his heat is bashing against his rib cage in an attempt to escape and run away, and his blood is pumping around his head like a carousel geared with the motor of a Ferrari... Pretty bad simile, but do you see what I mean? Don't be afraid to go all out, basically!
Well I think that's it... I really do like this prologue, and I think that it's a great start to a novel because it has perfect balance of everything if you ask me, from the length to the mystery. If there's anything you want to ask about my review, don't hesitate to ask. You know where to find me
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Thanks darlingggg! xxxx <3
Hello I know I'm a little late but I saw you post the 3rd chapter and I wanted to start at the beginning so here I am
. I love the way you use different sized font that made it easier to read for me and you also split up you paragraphs at just the right time.
"And he, the person she trusted most, had basically just thrown it in her face. He expected her to cry, but instead her face was wiped blank. She pressed her lips together and blinked her eyes quickly a few times, finally raising her hand to slap him." I love those lines because it reminds me of a personal experience with my ex. You should go read my poem "leech" its about the experience. I'm normally not a big fan of drama or realistic fiction but I really am enjoying this so far.
Hey Sparkie!
Love the conflict and drama here! It's wonderful, like a juicy gossip as soon as Daniel walks in and starts ranting about his problems and you just know that Eloise, whoever she is, is gonna get it >:D ^-^!
There seems to be two sides to both of their characters, which is interesting. So we have Daniel who is stressed out from work, has a bit of a temper fit -- but, he also seems to care about Eloise, and he seems to care about his relationship with her as well. And we have Eloise, who seems weak/passive in Daniel's mind at first, but then we see this side of her that was strong, she stuck up for herself, which was a delight surprise! By the end, he's the one afraid that Eloise might have snapped, even though he had already snapped?
So, these two conflicting sides of him kind of confused me. Not that it cannot work. I can definitely see how a person can be angry and regret it immediately afterwards. What you need to do though if you're going to write it in that context, is write it with a little more authority, and a little less ambiguity. I'll see if I can point out what I mean.
Here, you're stepping out of the character and telling us as the writer what is happening. Be careful of that. See, a person does not say to himself: "I'm a misogynist", instead, a person says to himself: "Women are clueless, always playing the victim and unfit for real work" -- The part in the bold is more of the former rather than the latter.
So as a reader, we're not sure if Daniel really means what he thinks, if he can't help thinking it -- but catches himself/or he knows it's wrong, or if he really does think and believe this, but feels guilty, or maybe he doesn't feel guilty and he is really guilty of this thought -- it's unclear.
Here in the above, the first sentence already has him feeling guilty. "She doesn't deserve this" -- shows that he already regrets his treatment of her, so the last part doesn't make sense, neither does his interruption. I'd suggest moving that deer part/weakness part until after he finishes blowing up, and maybe he sees through her reaction that he went too far after it's all done and out there, and not during it? When we're angry, we're running off of adrenaline, so it's natural that we say the things on the forefront of our minds without pausing to think anyway.
All of this is really minor errors-- they crop up in novels /all/ the time, and yeah, a few seconds of confusion, but overall my reading experience was delightful.
Oh! Also, I'm planning to read through to chapter 2, which is why you see me here at the prologue :^) So expect my other reviews soon-ish. Keep up the good work, Sparkie!
~ as always, Audy
Thanks Audddiiee <3 I really appreciate this points, and you're totally right!
Wow Spark that was another good chapter!! I loved how you made it really dramatic yet so interesting at the same time! I can't wait to read the rest! You made it really personal and it was nice! I especially liked the part that said, "Because I'm a guy and I shouldn't have to do that stuff!" The way you seemed to make him calm down on the inside but keep on shouting was really nice to. Please write more!
Hello there, darling, here as promised! Let's get started.
You know I love this, right? I'm pretty sure I've told you, and I'm starting to get impatient because this is all you have. There's just a few things I need to talk about.
First, while it's done quite tastefully, you need to be careful about your telling. The part up to the dialogue is a little tell-y, but honestly? I like it. I think it's done well, though I would advise putting some thoughts in there, or actions. I'd also advise cutting up that big chunk of paragraph at the beginning. I think that it would make it a little easier to read, and a little more personal. Maybe start a new paragraph when he hears the lock, or slams the refrigerator closed. That could just be a personal preference, but I think it'll add to it.
Okay, these next ones are a little nitpicky, just because I don't have much to say about this.
I like the deer metaphor, but-
This part seems to disrupt the flow a bit. I don't know, I just don't really like the way it sounds. Try something like this maybe:
"She looked scared, and a little angry. He was the human who had taken the food away from the deer."
Maybe? That was actually really hard. It's a hard phrase to make flow.
This also sounds weird to me. Maybe something more like, "Her voice induced a icy shiver down his spine, and it scared him more than anything."
Comma between very and very. Although, you really don't need that other very. Maybe just use a stronger word instead of two less strong words.
There's an extra space between angry and he, and there needs to be a comma there. Also, this is a really long sentence. Try working with it to make it less run-on.
You leave it at her wanting to slap him, but you don't say anything about her doing so or changing her mind.
Cut the 'out'.
That's all my nit picks. This is really quite fantastic. I mean, your describing words are amazing, your symbolism is great, and I feel like I'm really in that little kitchen experiencing this. I have an idea of what their apartment looks like, what they look like, their facial expressions and movements. You did this all without giving a real info dump. Also, you characters are very well developed, and it makes me sad, since I know what happens later. You're tearing me apart, dude! Anyway, you better write more.
Love, Tacks.
Hey, Sparky!
Overall, I love this piece. You've managed to make me like both of your characters without necessarily making me like the things that they're doing. That's impressive. It's difficult to create characters that are likeable without making their actions likeable, but that's precisely what you've done here. As much as I dislike the way your MC treats his girlfriend, I understand his misdirected, irrational anger. I understand the way he mistreats those he loves even though he hates himself for doing so.
My main issues with this piece concern the way you've broken it up into paragraphs. Your first sentence stands alone; in my opinion, that was a wonderful choice. You've created an effective "hook" that effectively pulls readers into your story. But going on into the rest of the story, your paragraphs grew much larger, a little too large, in my opinion.
Sometimes, when paragraphs are too large, it's easy for awesome writing to become buried within itself. Because there is so much of it in one place, it loses its impact. By breaking down paragraphs into smaller, more manageable paragraphs, you're allowing the awesomeness of your work to shine to its fullest potential.
Instead of this:
"And now he's home, and he's angry and annoyed and just plain tired and nothing seems to be done. Even though he tries not to get irrationally angry he can still feel it bubbling underneath the surface, and without meaning too he slams the door to the fridge shut, angry red lines appearing in his vision. He knows he shouldn't blame her for the mess, the dishes in the sink that haven't been washed, and the fact that all there is in the fridge is an almost empty butter dish, half a jug of rotten milk and some wilted lettuce. It's not her fault, she's been just as busy as him, but the world-old cliche in his head that it's the woman's job to keep the kitchen stocked is burnt into his brain in that moment, and he can't even begin to fathom the thought of shopping by himself."
Try this.
"And now he's home, and he's angry and annoyed and just plain tired and nothing seems to be done. Even though he tries not to get irrationally angry he can still feel it bubbling underneath the surface, and without meaning too he slams the door to the fridge shut, angry red lines appearing in his vision.
He knows he shouldn't blame her for the mess, the dishes in the sink that haven't been washed, and the fact that all there is in the fridge is an almost empty butter dish, half a jug of rotten milk and some wilted lettuce. It's not her fault, she's been just as busy as him, but the world-old cliche in his head that it's the woman's job to keep the kitchen stocked is burnt into his brain in that moment, and he can't even begin to fathom the thought of shopping by himself."
"To say “I love you, but…” is to say, “I did not love you at all”."
I love this. It's so true.
Overall, great work! If you disagree with any of my suggestions, disregard them. They're just that: suggestions. At the end of the day, your opinion concerning your work is paramount. Don't sacrifice it for anything or anyone.
Always keep writing. I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with next.
-Rose
Alright, so, this is a good start, but I was a little bit confused as to why this is a prologue.
you are writing in the present tense, yet, here, at the end you have switched to past tense. Present tense is super difficult to write with, so make sure to keep track of where you slip and such.But first, the technical nit picky things.
Watch your tenses, because, like here, at the beginning
Also, make sure to do a spelling/grammar check, because here on the second 'he', you need to add a comma and remove a space. Little things like that.
Okay, now the bigger things. Firstly, as aforementioned, I don’t understand why this is a prologue. Prologues usually reveal major points of the plot that won’t be revealed in the actual story. I guess it’s just my personal preference, but it would work as a first chapter as well.
Now, this wasn’t that long, but it was kind of hard to get into because it was lacking emotion. You’re description and way of writing is very nice, and it flows well and works together, but, with no emotion, I don’t have a reason to keep reading on about Elodie and Daniel. I would suggest to go through and add details to add to a scene that seems very tense, very hostile. Try to think about what makes them different, what makes them them. Add personality and backstory. Make these two truly come alive, then rework the scene according to those personalities.
Overall, I think you have a good start, and I’m interested to see where you will go with this. Reread it and try to make it more natural.
Good luck!
Thanks darling! xx