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Young Writers Society



Enemies in crime. Chapter one, 2.2

by LadyMysterio


”I'm sorry Soren, is flying over the city a crime now?" She sighed sarcastically.

“It is if you are planning something devious.” A male voice broke the silence.

Zillah turned. ”Uh uh, now can I go home or is that a crime too”

“Fine, but I’m watching you,” Soren replied shortly. His medium-length black hair waving in the slight breeze that emitted from her wings.

“How creepy,” She snorted

Soren rolled his eyes and flew away. Dark robes fluttering around him.

Zillah glanced back once again, the sun was now behind the skyscrapers. She pulled back her wings and shot forward, racing the sun.

The villainess resumed her favourite way to stand in her house, leaning on a pillar with her shoulder, And stared thoughtfully out the window.

The sunset cast the room in a variety of warm tones. She shifted, stretching her golden wings. They reflected a few golden beams onto the grey concrete floor.

She smiled and knelt. Moving her palm across the cold floor so rainbows laced her hand.

Her house, if you will, was an old army base built on the side of a cliff. She'd stripped most of it. Leaving it a cement structure. The semi-circle main room was where she now stood. It had giant bay windows in the flat part of the semicircle. Overlooking the entire city that the cliff sat a few miles away from. Around the rest of the semicircle were various doors, each leading to different rooms.

A series of cement pillars stood in a circle around the room, providing support. Everything was cement, the floor, the ceiling, the walls. Everything had a sort of industrial feel to it. Either from the cement structure or the randomly salvaged furniture and appliances.

Zillah watches the sun dip behind the city. The powerful glow of the sun reflecting sharply off the tall imposing skyscrapers. Contemplating ideas for attacks.

“Might as well continue this in the morning. A Little suspense never hurt anyone, well in it might.” she shrugged. Zillah wasn't one for hurting people. Giving them a taste of their own medicine sure, but no unneeded violence.

She swivelled right and walked through the fading shadows cast behind the pillars to a door. Squeezing her wings behind her. Then spread her arms and flopped down on the unmade queen bed. The one skinny rectangular window making the sun's last light to fall on her. Then the queen mattress sat on the floor. She’d nabbed it from a garage sale.

“Night, Mr sun,” she whispered as she closed her eyes.


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453 Reviews


Points: 825
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Mon Apr 27, 2020 10:04 pm
Lib wrote a review...



Hi LadyMysterio!

Hope you're doing well. I'm here to drop off a review for you. Let's get started shall we?

I apologize that I haven't read the previous chapter. But I think I got the main background. Someone attacked Zillah in the first chapter and took her city away from her. And she's got magic. Her wings gave that away, heh. Seems very cool!

I admit, that this chapter did seem very short. Not much happened here other than Zillah getting up and saying that she would find a way to get her city back. If we had known how and when, maybe this chapter could have lengthened a bit. Another way to make this chapter longer and not seem hollow, is to maybe add more details as to where Zillah is, and what her feelings are, and what the surrounding area looks like. I hope that makes sense! :)

I found a couple of little grammatical errors -

Zillah groaned and opened her eyes and immediately closed them. her head aching.

I think you meant to put a comma instead of a period.

Why is it so bright

You're missing a punctuation mark. There were a couple of other places where you were missing punctuation marks - I wanted to bring that to your attention. Make sure to proofread so you can avoid minor errors like these. :)

Man no matter how many this happened never seemed less painful. Wait where’s my staff?

I think you meant ...many times this... - a word was missing.

I think I understand your plot - that's great and I'm sure it'll turn out fantastic as well. Good luck! And that's it for my review. I hope it helped in some sort of way. Let me know if you have any questions!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




LadyMysterio says...


Awesome! thx for the review, I was stuck on this chapter. It seemed Flat or hollow as you put it. Thx for the suggestions



Lib says...


Not a problem!



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6 Reviews


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Reviews: 6

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Mon Apr 27, 2020 9:57 pm
CarolineL wrote a review...



Hey, pal!

Let's begin.

"Why is it so bright." to "Why is it so bright?"

"This is gonna ta." to "This is going to."
-Gonna is not grammar appropriate.

"Man no matter" to "Man, no matter"
-Commas are worthwhile.

OVERALL-

I think this was short and the added whit didn't help. It just made it visually hard to look at. I understand that it was meant to be though.

I do think that everyone can improve, so take my advice. Keep on your writing journey and write on!




LadyMysterio says...


Thx for the review!




It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain