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Enemies in Crime. Chapter two 2.4

by LadyMysterio


Someone called her name. A burst of wind hit her cheek. She blinked, she heard her name again.

A blurry figure knelt in front of her. ”Zillah, wake up.”

The person blew on her face again.

She quickly raised her left hand. Her eyes snapped open as her brain registered the pain.

“Owwwwwwwww.”

She gently set her arm down, then paused as a fuzzy, chiselled face came into focus. ”Soren were you, blowing on my face?”

Soren shrugged. “touching you looked like it would have hurt. You don't look so good what happened? What had to go find someone else to beat you up?”

Zillah grunted, and rubbed her face, with her right hand. “Soren you have really bad timing, speaking of which, where were you.” she glanced at his watch, “three hours ago.”

“I was busy.” He ran a pale hand through his black hair.

“You're never busy when I am in the city.”

She reached for her staff. Soren grabbed it for her and held it out, she snatched it.

Zillah planted it in the ground and shakily got up. The world spun again, she clutched the staff, tightly, leaning on it. Trying to find some sort of stability. Her trashed wings upset her balance and she toppled forward. Falling on her face.

She groaned, “maybe I'll just live here now, on this nice patch of ground.” she patted the ground

“Can I have your base then?”

She turned her head,” what base?” staring at his brown slightly rumbled laced-up boots.

Soren cocked an eyebrow, “the one in the cliff above us.”

She considered. She could pretend she had no idea what he was talking about. Or she could tell him. She decided on the floor. She didn't have the energy to lie right now.

“How long have you known?”

“Uhh, you fly thereafter every battle.”

“Danget.”

Soren shrugged, “it looks cool, I'll give you that. Need a hand getting up there?”

Zillah rolled over and sat up. Once again using her staff to stand up, this time accounting for her wing's weight.

She looked at the blank white cliff, studded with small growth or dirt, thousands of feet in height. Then attempted to move her wings again. The effort only produced a series of metallic squeaks.

She peered at Soren. “Fine, just drop me off at the top.”

She flinched as Soren gently picked her bridal style.

“You good?” Soren straigted.

“Yup.” she lied. Of course, she wasn't good. Her entire body felt like it's just been thrown down a cliff. Her head was spinning. And there was some guy who wanted her dead. She was also in the arms of her sworn enemy and could easily cart her off to jail. Completely fine.

“Ok.”

Soren flew up, the cliff face blurring into a mix of greys, broken only by an occasional green, then steel from the fence further in, as he sprung over the top.

He hovered over the clifftop slowly lowering her to the middle.

“No, no”’ zillah waved her hand,” over there,” she pointed further in.

Soren wrinkled his brows but floated over there anyway. As soon as his feet were touching the solid rock, Zillah wiggled out of his arms.

“Ok, bye.” she planted her staff in a crack and leaned on it.

“Uhh” Soren scanned the bare flat rock surface,” how do you get in?”

Zillah tilted her head, “I keep walking and boom, I fall through a hole, into my base.”

Soren frowned,” very funny. fine I'll go”

He floated off the ground then sored off to the l slightly less skyscraper city.

Zillah watched him until he was a dot in the sky. Holding a hand out, shading her eyes from the sun. Then she looked down at the rock dotted with weeds.

“Well this is gonna hurt.” when she'd found the space and converted it she hadn't even thought she'd need to enter without her wings.

She yanked her staff out, and gingerly packed it into the ground a few feet forward, continuing until it went right through.

She found the edge and sat down, dangling her leg through what seemed like solid rock, then shoved herself off.

Zillah landed hard, ankle bones clashing. She stumbled a few feet forward before jamming her staff onto the floor and steadying herself. The leaned against a pillar and turned the staff into a small eye holding it tightly

She relaxed and let the magical wings fall off. They clattered to the floor. a crumpled mess. They turned the eye into the staff again.

Frowning now that she had a look at the damage, she'd have to try and fix them later, but for now. She desperately needed sleep.

The afternoon sun shone brightly through the windows as she walked over the shadows made by the pillars, shuffled through the doorway. Dropping her staff as she slumped onto her bed. The staff rolled off her bed and clattered onto the cement floor. Zillah ignored it and curled up. Smashing her aching head in the pillows, away from the bright sun streaming through the window, in the hope it would curb her headache.

Zillah dozed on and off, startling awake when she either lay on her arm or the sun peeked through her eyelids. Thought her many bruises riddle on her skin prevented her from getting very comfortable

After what seemed like an hour later she fully woke. Thought naps tend to be extremely disorienting. The room was cast in bright orange. She panicked for a moment, believing the city was now on fire, but she rolled over to the window and saw the setting sun.

She sat up. And stretched. Her headache had subsided to a manageable throb.

Though her body was still sore, the bruises showed. Dotting every which way on what was visible of her skin.

Zillah shuffled to the bay windows in the connecting room and slid down against a pillar. Head spinning with the day's problems. if only they’d go away with the setting sun.

How was she going to get rid of this guy, he wanted her gone. So the only option was to get rid of him before he got rid of her. But how? Her powers did nothing to him. She rubbed her hand over her face, maybe a shower would clear her mind.

The floor got increasingly colder as she wandered over to the bathroom in the far corner of the base. The sunbeams only reached back there in the evening. Leaving the floor further bath void of any warmth.

She stripped off her suit, discarding the layers on the floor. Her corset took a few minutes to unbuckle with one arm. Her boot slid off easily and her suit was painful to peel off. Clinging to every cut.

Carefully cradling her injured arm Shivering she reached in and turned on the shower then tested the water. The warm water cascaded over her hand, she watched it, memorized. A sharp shiver brought her back, and she hurridly stepped into the shower, huddling under the comforting stream.

Zillah absentmindedly rubbed soap over her sore body, wincing at undiscovered cuts, and bruises. She was lost in her head, eyes brows wrinkled as she mulled over her problems.

This guy had some sort of, force he used. An undenied power, that he could use at will, with his hands. Or was it his mind and he added his hands for flair or out of habit? The question was how to stop him from using said power. Tire him out paraphs? No, she couldn't even hit him. Much less tire him. Did he have an object that contained his force power?

Force, seems like a fitting name. He's a very forceful man.

But how to stop Force?


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Sun Jan 31, 2021 12:58 am
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starlitmind wrote a review...



HELLO LADY! <3 I'm back for the next part of this lovely novel! ^_^

She blinked, she heard her name again.


I've noticed you've some scattered run-on sentences throughout this chapter, so I'll just let you know that this is a comma splice! You can't join two independent clauses with just a comma; you can add a conjunction after the comma or replace the comma with a period or semicolon c:

A burst of wind hit her cheek. She blinked, she heard her name again.

A blurry figure knelt in front of her. ”Zillah, wake up.”

The person blew on her face again.


So he blew on her twice? Was the first time "A burst of wind hit her cheek"? I was just wondering because it doesn't seem like someone could blow on your face hard enough to feel like "hitting" you know? xD just a thought~

Her trashed wings upset her balance and she toppled forward. Falling on her face.


Omg rip Zillah

She groaned, “maybe I'll just live here now, on this nice patch of ground.” she patted the ground


Yep, I feel you girl

I've also noticed that in some places you forget to capitalize the beginning of a quote! ^_^ I just thought I'd point it out one time so as to not be too annoying <3 And the sentence after it (she patted the ground) also needs to be capitalized; it stands alone and isn't a continuation of the quote :)

Soren flew up, the cliff face blurring into a mix of greys, broken only by an occasional green, then steel from the fence further in, as he sprung over the top.


WAIT SO IS SOREN A LOVE INTEREST OR SOMETHING I NEED TO KNOW.

IF HE IS, this would be a snazzy spot for some descriptions! Did her heart flutter when he lifted and flew her up? Was she mad at herself for feeling this way against her "sworn enemy"? or if she's not interested in him, maybe you could elaborate on how annoyed she is that she's being helped by someone she finds annoying? xD just some thoughts for you!

“No, no”’ zillah waved her hand,” over there,” she pointed further in.

Soren wrinkled his brows but floated over there anyway. As soon as his feet were touching the solid rock, Zillah wiggled out of his arms.

“Ok, bye.” she planted her staff in a crack and leaned on it.


Omg, Zillah is such a character xD I love how she's telling him what to do, and after that favour, she's just like "Ok, bye." That cracked me up a lot cx

Zillah tilted her head, “I keep walking and boom, I fall through a hole, into my base.”

Soren frowned,” very funny. fine I'll go”


Wait but I don't think she's kidding 0.0

Zillah landed hard, ankle bones clashing. She stumbled a few feet forward before jamming her staff onto the floor and steadying herself. The leaned against a pillar and turned the staff into a small eye holding it tightly


WAIT HOW DOES SHE SURVIVE SUCH A FALL? Is that a part of her magical being or something? I guess she did survive falling off a cliff though, but I'm curious about how her body functions c:

Thought her many bruises riddle on her skin prevented her from getting very comfortable


You switched up tenses here - "riddle" should be "riddled" ^_^ (and I believe you meant "though") also rip

Tire him out paraphs?


I'm not really sure what you meant here? I think it would help to run your chapters through Grammarly or a spelling check to capture all of the little things <3

But how to stop Force?


That is the question, indeed.

One thing I'd recommend overall is to slow down a bit. I feel like things move rather quickly action wise. I love though how we get a moment at the end for Zillah to collect and gather her thoughts! She's so relatable though omg, like taking a shower to drown away all of her problems cx But yeah, I would love to get more descriptions of the fight scene (especially in the last chapter) and her interaction with Soren (love the name btw).

BUT CAN I SAY how much I love Zillah? xD she's so fun and silly, and her attitude is hilarious haha. She never fails to amuse me and I've only read two chapters cx

I'm excited to read the next part, and I hope this helped! ^_^ <3




LadyMysterio says...


lol i love ur reviews so much. lol zillah is one of my fave OCs. thx for the review



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Sat Jan 30, 2021 2:06 pm
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raindrops wrote a review...



Hi! raindrops here to leave a review.

Someone called her name. A burst of wind hit her cheek. She blinked, she heard her name again.
I can see that you want to apply some writing technique here (or maybe not). But because the sentences here are cut short, the transition from scene to scene is jumpy, so why not make it just one sentence? Like: Someone called her name as a burst of wind hit her cheek, she blinked, and heard her name again.

If you keep you're original format, that's also okay. However, I wish to put notice on the 3rd sentence. The re-use of she after the comma, maybe change it with and.

She quickly raised her left hand. Her eyes snapped open as her brain registered the pain.
I don't know if you noticed, but the delivery of line here is much better than the first paragraph.

”Soren were you, blowing on my face?”
That comma is misplaced, it should be after Soren, but from how I perceive this you intended to use the comma to indicate a pause while she was talking. If I was right, then you delivered your intention successfully, however, at the cost of a grammatical error (its okay though, we all do that from time to time). Hence, I advise not using comma to indicate pauses for a character's speech. This is a suggestion how: "Soren, were you... blowing on my face?"

“touching you looked like it would have hurt. You don't look so good what happened? What had to go find someone else to beat you up?”
Touching, You don't look good, what happened?. The third sentence confuses me.

Zillah grunted, and rubbed her face, with her right hand.
Those commas aren't really needed in this sentence. I suggest they be removed.

“Soren you have really bad timing, speaking of which, where were you.”
You forgot the question mark (?). And make the three in the succeeding dialogue a capital letter.

She reached for her staff. Soren grabbed it for her and held it out, she snatched it.
Don't just say she snatched it, maybe include a reason why. I do get that we want to portray the sequence of action; however, while doing so, details are forgotten, and again the transition between the lines are jumpy in here.

she toppled forward. Falling on her face.
Ouch.

She groaned, “maybe I'll just live here now, on this nice patch of ground.” she patted the ground
Maybe
Also look here: ground." she
This is wrong, try this ground," she

She turned her head,” what base?” staring at his brown slightly rumbled laced-up boots.
base?" Staring
Also, his slightly rumbled, brown laced-up boots

Soren cocked an eyebrow, “the one in the cliff above us.”
Okay, by now I see that you don't capitalize every starting word of your dialogue, I don't know if it's grammatically okay, so I'll have to read more on it, then I'll come back here.

She considered. She could pretend she had no idea what he was talking about. Or she could tell him. She decided on the floor. She didn't have the energy to lie right now.
I've seen you do this writing style in this chapter three times, so I guess it's a style of writing you're trying to work on, and I think that's great. I too like to play with my words and writing style.

She flinched as Soren gently picked her bridal style.
oof.

“You good?” Soren straigted.
Could you mean asked?

“Yup.” she lied.
"Yup." She lied. OR "Yup," she lied.

He floated off the ground then sored off to the l slightly less skyscraper city.
soared, only a misspell

They clattered to the floor. a crumpled mess.
[/quote] That first dot must be a comma.

Past this paragraph there were still a few corrections needed to be made, but I think those are noticeable once you decided to edit this chapter, so I did not include them here anymore.

Overall: Hmm that last sentence did put some interest to further read the story, it's good. And the way you narrate all that happens, the actions, the details of the surrounding is great. You're descriptions are plentiful and it does accomplish its purpose well, to show the images; however, the plot content of this chapter is too small comparable to the amount of lines you used to describe her movements and surroundings. Nevertheless, this is great. Remember, these are only my opinions and suggestions. Take what you think is useful and discard the rest. Thanks.




LadyMysterio says...


Hello, thank you for the review! I appreciate all of your feedback. I wouldn't have noticed any of that if you hadn't pointed it out.



raindrops says...


youre wc




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