HELLO LADY! <3 I'm back for the next part of this lovely novel! ^_^
She blinked, she heard her name again.
I've noticed you've some scattered run-on sentences throughout this chapter, so I'll just let you know that this is a comma splice! You can't join two independent clauses with just a comma; you can add a conjunction after the comma or replace the comma with a period or semicolon c:
A burst of wind hit her cheek. She blinked, she heard her name again.
A blurry figure knelt in front of her. ”Zillah, wake up.”
The person blew on her face again.
So he blew on her twice? Was the first time "A burst of wind hit her cheek"? I was just wondering because it doesn't seem like someone could blow on your face hard enough to feel like "hitting" you know? xD just a thought~
Her trashed wings upset her balance and she toppled forward. Falling on her face.
Omg rip Zillah
She groaned, “maybe I'll just live here now, on this nice patch of ground.” she patted the ground
Yep, I feel you girl
I've also noticed that in some places you forget to capitalize the beginning of a quote! ^_^ I just thought I'd point it out one time so as to not be too annoying <3 And the sentence after it (she patted the ground) also needs to be capitalized; it stands alone and isn't a continuation of the quote
Soren flew up, the cliff face blurring into a mix of greys, broken only by an occasional green, then steel from the fence further in, as he sprung over the top.
WAIT SO IS SOREN A LOVE INTEREST OR SOMETHING I NEED TO KNOW.
IF HE IS, this would be a snazzy spot for some descriptions! Did her heart flutter when he lifted and flew her up? Was she mad at herself for feeling this way against her "sworn enemy"? or if she's not interested in him, maybe you could elaborate on how annoyed she is that she's being helped by someone she finds annoying? xD just some thoughts for you!
“No, no”’ zillah waved her hand,” over there,” she pointed further in.
Soren wrinkled his brows but floated over there anyway. As soon as his feet were touching the solid rock, Zillah wiggled out of his arms.
“Ok, bye.” she planted her staff in a crack and leaned on it.
Omg, Zillah is such a character xD I love how she's telling him what to do, and after that favour, she's just like "Ok, bye." That cracked me up a lot cx
Zillah tilted her head, “I keep walking and boom, I fall through a hole, into my base.”
Soren frowned,” very funny. fine I'll go”
Wait but I don't think she's kidding 0.0
Zillah landed hard, ankle bones clashing. She stumbled a few feet forward before jamming her staff onto the floor and steadying herself. The leaned against a pillar and turned the staff into a small eye holding it tightly
WAIT HOW DOES SHE SURVIVE SUCH A FALL? Is that a part of her magical being or something? I guess she did survive falling off a cliff though, but I'm curious about how her body functions c:
Thought her many bruises riddle on her skin prevented her from getting very comfortable
You switched up tenses here - "riddle" should be "riddled" ^_^ (and I believe you meant "though") also rip
Tire him out paraphs?
I'm not really sure what you meant here? I think it would help to run your chapters through Grammarly or a spelling check to capture all of the little things <3
But how to stop Force?
That is the question, indeed.
One thing I'd recommend overall is to slow down a bit. I feel like things move rather quickly action wise. I love though how we get a moment at the end for Zillah to collect and gather her thoughts! She's so relatable though omg, like taking a shower to drown away all of her problems cx But yeah, I would love to get more descriptions of the fight scene (especially in the last chapter) and her interaction with Soren (love the name btw).
BUT CAN I SAY how much I love Zillah? xD she's so fun and silly, and her attitude is hilarious haha. She never fails to amuse me and I've only read two chapters cx
I'm excited to read the next part, and I hope this helped! ^_^ <3
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