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Enemies in crime. Chapter two 3.4

by LadyMysterio


Zillah wrinkled her nose as one distasteful thought sprang to mind. It surprised her that the thought even occurred. It was the last thing that would cross her mind. She'd gone through the other thoughts.

“As if I would ask HIM, for help.” She twisted the tap, the water slowed to a trickle. She huddled under the last remaining warm drizzle that remained until it stopped

She swiped the towel hanging over the shower stall and stalked out. Dripping water on the concrete floor becoming background noise. She wrapped herself in the warm towel, tucking the end in. It took twice as long without the use of her left arm. So much she'd ended up holding one end in her mouth so she could warp the other.



 

After finally getting the towel to staying. She gripped the sink parallel to the show with one hand, staring at her reflection in the small mirror above.
Her blue eyes were full of shadows, and her under-eyes matched her short light purple pixie cut.
Her face was riddled with cuts and bruises.
She met her own eyes as her pale sullen, reflection mocked her.

 

"Yeah well, you don't have to figure out how to take down an undefeated dude who hates you."
A voice whispered in her head, Soren could help.
“NO." zillah yelled at her reflection” I am not asking that self-religious annoying man for help! I can do this by myself. Like I've always done. It always worked out in the end. Right?” Her expression melted, replaced by anxiety, "right?" She whispered.

 

She pushed herself away from the sink and scooped up her discard clothes then headed to a door to the left.
A thought hit her.
”Where did this guy even come from?” she tilted her head, she'd never seen or heard about him before. He just showed up today destroying the city and threatening her to leave or else. But why?
So many whys.

 

Striding through the door she entered an empty room. Save for a battered industrial sink, a drying rack and a fan. She dumped the suit, except the corset and boots, into the sink and sharply turned the tap to the right. As water gushed out she tipped in some liquid soap. Then turned the water off and left.

 

Zillah returned to the bathroom and peered into the cupboard below the sin. Pulling out various baskets. Containing only a few rolls of toilet paper, a small bottle of disinfectant, a stack of face cloths, and a bag of cotton balls. She grabbed the disinfectant and the cotton pads.
“Of course I'm out of medical supplies.” She sat down, still wrapped in a towel.
After wetting the cotton pad with disinfectant. She proceeded to gently dab at all the cuts she could find. Wincing at the lingering sting of the liquid. She examined her left arm, gently squeezing it until she reached her shoulder. So far nothing hurt, she ran a finger over her shoulder then her, collar bone. Her fingers haled at the bump in the middle.
Zillah hurriedly stood up and faced the mirror, peering at the colour bone. The left side had a sharp bump in the middle while the other had a smooth shallow one. So she'd hurt her collar bone, not her arm. It still needed a sling. She looked at the box below the sink. She didn't have anything to make one.
A voice piped up in her mind, Soren will.
Zillah slumped back down, he would. But then he’d pester her with questions again.
She glanced towards the bay windows. The sun was behind the building, leaving everything in dull light.
Not if he was asleep.

 

And technically she wouldn't be going to him for help, she just needed his supplies.
She paused considering.
“Well, there's no way I can fight Force, without Soren's help, if my arm doesn't get better.
With the light fading, she guided towards her bedroom. Ripped the leggings and sweatshirt off the chair and shrugged them on. She swiped her staff off the floor and focused on it for a minute. It slowly shrank and morphed into a gold dagger, shiny blue stone embedded in its hilt.

 

She ruffled the towel through her hair. Then hurried to the laundry room. Dipped her feet into her boots, tucked the golden dagger inside, then paused just outside the door.
How was she going to get out?
The Villainess had designed the secret ceiling entrance with her wings in mind. But they were indisposed at the moment.
She bit her lip. What else did she have?
Her eyes widened. And she ran back to her bedroom. Carefully laying down on her back on the floor, by her bed.
There it was.
She stretched her right arm under the bed, wrapped her fingers around the object and pulled it out. She examined the grappling gun and hook. It'd been a while since she'd used it. But it seemed to be in well-working order. Save for some dust.

 

Zillah blew some of the dust off, then hurried back to the main room. She aimed it at what she thought was the edge and shot. It bounced off solid rock and clanged to the floor.
She pursed her lips, shoved it back in and tried again. This time it went through the roof, she tugged on it. It slid back through.
“Well, third time's the charm.” She shot it again then yanked on it. It didn't move.
She pressed the trigger again. Letting the excess cable reel in.
The tricky part would be not using her left arm.
She walked over to the cement wall, as she reeled in the cable. Once it was a taunt line straight up, she wedged her foot in a crack and reeled in more. Then found another crack.
Occasionally she didn't find a big enough crevice and had to hang for a few seconds.
Shortly she reached the ceiling, or what appeared to be. Carefully standing with her right foot in a small crack. She stretched her arm up it went straight through the rock ceiling.
Getting over the ledge would be the tricky part. She reeled in the cable slowly, looking down at the wall for one last space to put her left foot. She spotted on near the ceiling and wiggled her foot in. she pushed up with her left foot as she yanked her right out. Her head popped through th ceiling. She reeled in more cable, pulling herself up. She was now awkwardly draped over the ledge. Half in what seemed like solid rock. Left-arm dangling at her side.
Zillah pushed up with her left foot and swung her right leg over the ledge. Than gave pressed the trigger on the grappling gun one last time, pulling her onto solid rock.
She flipped over and lay on her back starting at the first stars slowly twinkling.
“Never doing that again.” she hopped up. Leaving the grappling hook by a rock.
She walked through the tall chain-link fence. the illusion wavering slightly as she passed through the sign, warning hikers to not go beyond it. The illustration prevented people from seeing anything on her inside. Except for an empty rocky clifftop. Meaning she could stand there all day and no one could see her. Unless someone on the ground below took out a pair of binoculars, with was a risk, but one few and far between. If they did a double-take she could simply mask herself in the illusion of a humanly shaped rock.
So far it's kept most of the people away from the entrance. Though when wild animals occasionally found their way in. As well as the random teenage boy, that she'd had to knock out and drop off at the bottom of the bluff.

 

Zillah turned and stared at the city. The still standing skyscrapers were dark. Visible only by the moonlight reflecting off them
She squinted at the long dirt road that leads from the mounting to the city. “Yeah... I really should have thought this through. Here's to hoping there's a car down here.”
She spun on her heel and strode down the dirt path turned road that led to the bottom of the cliff. 

Carefully holding her left arm with her right. She peered at the dirt path. Seeking out tripping hazards in the twilight. Twice she missed one and nearly fell the rest of the way down the trail. Saved only by flinging her uninjured arm rapidly around. Whilst trying to not fling her injured one out.

Zillah messaged her now sore neck. And looked up. Her eyebrows popped up, as she realized she'd reached the bottom. Zillah nodded satisfactorily. She took a few steps forward scanning the dark landscape. She squinted harder, spotting something.“perfect”

 

She strode swiftly over the car parked in the ditch.
She peeked through the driver's side window. The car was vacant. Something sparkled in the moonlight on the seat. A set of keys.
Zillah rounded the car looking for signs of someone.
“Well by the looks of it someone locked their key in the car. Probably walked back to town since it's dark. Sooooo it shouldn't be discovered until morning.” she shrugged
When her search revealed nothing she retunded to the driver's side door. Running her fingers around the cracks.
She patted her boots then pulled the thin gold knife out. She carefully wedged it on top of the door. Then searched around the car for a long thin stick. After finding one, she threaded the stick through the gap made by the knife. Until it pressed the unlock button inside the car door. It beeped. Zillah unwedged her knife and after sticking it back in her boot. Opened the car door, letting the stick fall to the ground.
She scooped the key of the seat and hopped in. She flicked the keys open and started the car. As the engine roared to life, she shifted gears and swing the car around.
Now to find soren's house.


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Sun Jan 31, 2021 6:30 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



LADY <3 I AM BACK FOR THE NEXT PART OF THIS CHAPTER, WOOHOO!

Zillah wrinkled her nose as one distasteful thought sprang to mind. It surprised her that the thought even occurred. It was the last thing that would cross her mind. She'd gone through the other thoughts.

“As if I would ask HIM, for help.”


OOH is it asking Soren for help? xD Haha, she is definitely going to ask him.

I do think your opening paragraph is a bit wordy and confusing, so I would just shorten it up a bit or compact it. Perhaps you could remove the last two sentences or combine the third with the second. Right now, it just seems a bit repetitive :p

After finally getting the towel to staying. She gripped the sink parallel to the show with one hand, staring at her reflection in the small mirror above.
Her blue eyes were full of shadows, and her under-eyes matched her short light purple pixie cut.
Her face was riddled with cuts and bruises.
She met her own eyes as her pale sullen, reflection mocked her.


I'm a little confused by your paragraph breaks, but I think this might have been a problem when you transferred this document to YWS. I would keep this all in one paragraph as it is all talking about the same thing. I love the description though; I'm finally able to visualize Zillah, and I think the pixie cut is a perfect hair choice for her cx

A voice whispered in her head, Soren could help.
“NO." zillah yelled at her reflection” I am not asking that self-religious annoying man for help!


ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM. (p.s. before dialogue tags, you need a comma at the end of the quote, and not a period c: and then a period at the end of "reflection")

Her expression melted, replaced by anxiety


Ah, I love this little part. We can see that she isn't confident at all, and so she's going to ask Soren!!!

They're going to fall in love, aren't they 0.0

As water gushed out she tipped in some liquid soap. Then turned the water off and left.


I think you may be giving too many details, like in this part cx Since this doesn't really add anything to the story, we don't need to know every little thing that she does. Especially since the scene is pretty short and doesn't have a great significance, you know?

Spoiler! :
Zillah returned to the bathroom and peered into the cupboard below the sin. Pulling out various baskets. Containing only a few rolls of toilet paper, a small bottle of disinfectant, a stack of face cloths, and a bag of cotton balls. She grabbed the disinfectant and the cotton pads.
“Of course I'm out of medical supplies.” She sat down, still wrapped in a towel.
After wetting the cotton pad with disinfectant. She proceeded to gently dab at all the cuts she could find. Wincing at the lingering sting of the liquid. She examined her left arm, gently squeezing it until she reached her shoulder. So far nothing hurt, she ran a finger over her shoulder then her, collar bone. Her fingers haled at the bump in the middle.
Zillah hurriedly stood up and faced the mirror, peering at the colour bone. The left side had a sharp bump in the middle while the other had a smooth shallow one. So she'd hurt her collar bone, not her arm. It still needed a sling. She looked at the box below the sink. She didn't have anything to make one.
A voice piped up in her mind, Soren will.
Zillah slumped back down, he would. But then he’d pester her with questions again.
She glanced towards the bay windows. The sun was behind the building, leaving everything in dull light.
Not if he was asleep.


Okay so a couple of things about this paragraph;

1.) I love how Soren keeps popping into her mind. It shows how much she really thinks he can help, deep down, even if she doesn't want to admit it. Eventually it's going to come up so much that she will cave in and ask for his help.

2.) I feel like everything is a bit repetitive? Like in the last chapter I thought she was tending to her wounds, and she still is. I mean, she can definitely acknowledge her bruises, but I feel like she's acknowledging them a lot, you know?

3.) I'm not so sure about the formatting of this xD Even if you meant it for all of it to be one paragraph, it would be a really huge one. I suggest going back and figuring out how you want to break this section up!

Your later paragraphs are also facing the same situation, so I'm just mentioning it once right now so I won't have to be repetitive <3

I would also take a look at the chapter and try to pick out your sentence fragments. I'll quote an example below

Carefully holding her left arm with her right.


Since you don't have a verb here ("holding" doesn't act as a verb here - it's either a gerund or participle, I can't remember which one it is called xD) it's not a sentence by itself. You have some scattered throughout the chapter, so I'd look out for those!

I would also try to lengthen your sentences as they all seem to be the same length, and also the same structure. It's like "She did this" and then "She did that," you know? Varying up how you write your sentences would be nice instead of always doing subject + verb c:

Now to find soren's house.


YESS LE'TS GO. I'm excited hehe, this is going to lead to some interesting dialogue between the two, and maybe some back-and-forth banter xD

As always, ZILLAH IS SO COOL. She has the coolest weapons, like the golden dagger, and a grappling hook? I'm so intrigued by all of her gadgets and her personality. She's a real trooper, but she also deals with the same problems that "ordinary beings" would, like with the whole Soren thing. I super love her character and reading all of her internal thoughts are so fun <3

As always, I can't wait to read more, and I hope this helped! ^_^




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Sun Jan 31, 2021 12:22 am
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SpunkyKitty wrote a review...



Hi! Spunky here to review!

Grows:

“As if I would ask HIM, for help.”

The comma after "HIM" cuts off the flow of the sentence. It isn't really needed.

She met her own eyes as her pale sullen, reflection mocked her.

Really amazing description! However, the comma is in the wrong place. It should be "pale, sullen reflection"

“NO." zillah yelled at her reflection

"zillah" should be capitalized.

Zillah returned to the bathroom and peered into the cupboard below the sin. Pulling out various baskets.

Did you mean "sink" not "sin"? and also, the second sentence is very abrupt, and cuts off the flow in that particular place. Consider rewording it.

Her fingers haled at the bump in the middle.

Do you mean "halted"?

Zillah hurriedly stood up and faced the mirror, peering at the colour bone.

It should be "collar bone" not "colour bone"

the illusion wavering slightly as she passed through the sign, warning hikers to not go beyond it.

This sentence needs capitalization at the beginning.

“perfect”

Capitalization and an end mark is needed.

Now to find soren's house

CaPiTaLiZaTiOn

Glows:

Again, you have amazing description. I absolutely love how detailed everything is.

After finally getting the towel to staying. She gripped the sink parallel to the show with one hand, staring at her reflection in the small mirror above.
Her blue eyes were full of shadows, and her under-eyes matched her short light purple pixie cut.
Her face was riddled with cuts and bruises.
She met her own eyes as her pale sullen, reflection mocked her.

That is definitely my favorite description. Awesome job overall!

this review is looking kinda sus...




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Sat Jan 30, 2021 3:00 pm
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raindrops wrote a review...



Hi! raindrops here to leave another review.

So the first noticeable thing here is that the division of paragraphs weren't fixed. But that's okay, I'm not here for that. Though, that still needs to be fixed.

Zillah wrinkled her nose as one distasteful thought sprang to mind.
Let me guess, ROMANCE. hahaha

remained until it stopped
Second paragraph's ending statement. Missed a dot.

After finally getting the towel to staying.
to stay

Her blue eyes were full of shadows,
There's a difference between "telling" and "showing", and that I think is the problem here. You told me her eyes are full of shadow, but I didn't really see how. Even I have problem with this, and been pointed out before too, so I thought I should share this opinion. However, I know little of this subject so I'll leave it to the experts.

She met her own eyes as her pale sullen, reflection mocked her.
this should hurt, but instead I loved this line.

A voice whispered in her head, Soren could help.
You can italicize what the voice said to put emphasis on it.

her discard clothes
discarded

As well as the random teenage boy, that she'd had to knock out and drop off at the bottom of the bluff.
Hm-hm, that's some nice detail right there, haha.

Zillah messaged her now sore neck. And looked up. Her eyebrows popped up, as she realized she'd reached the bottom. Zillah nodded satisfactorily. She took a few steps forward scanning the dark landscape. She squinted harder, spotting something.“perfect”
I'm liking this cheeky attitude of our main character here. As I read more of these few phrases you input in between the actions, I get a grasped of how she is like.

She peeked through the driver's side window. The car was vacant. Something sparkled in the moonlight on the seat. A set of keys.
Okay. Okay. I commented about this writing style of yours in the previous chapter, and there the transitions was jumping. But this is smooth, and written good. Every succeeding short sentences get along well. I see the effect this style evokes once used perfectly. It has its uniqueness and its goooood.

She scooped the key of the seat and hopped in. She flicked the keys open and started the car. As the engine roared to life, she shifted gears and swing the car around.
Bad Girl

Now to find soren's house.
Good Girl

Overall: YAYAY!! This was a good read LadyM. Plotwise, this chapter had more going on than the previous one (in my opinion). I see that this is quite still unedited so I did not bother correcting grammar mistakes or misspelled words. I trust you'll see them yourself once you have the time to edit this great chapter of yours. Again, I'm amazed by how detailed you make every succeeding actions. They are clear, and easy to follow. I think the most important I can input in this review here is to italicize your phrases when you say Zillah hears a voice in her mind, this puts emphasis on the phrase and makes it easier to perceive by the reader - i got this tip from a fellow YWS member, so it shall be passed on. I hope you liked this review!





When one is highly alert to language, then nearly everything begs to be a poem.
— James Tate