HELLO LADY! <3 I saw this piece lurking in the green room, so I decided to check it out! ^^ I haven't read any of the other parts though, so if I say something stupid, please feel free to ignore xD I'm just going to get right into it!
She groaned, and shifted, something had shaken her out of her slumber, she squinted.
So I noticed that you have run-on sentences throughout this chapter. "She groaned, and shifted." is one sentence and something had shaken her out of her slumber, she squinted." is a run-on sentence. Since you're joining two independent clauses with just comma, that's a comma splice. You either need to add a conjunction after the comma or replace the comma with a semicolon. I just thought I'd point it out once in the beginning, and hopefully you can find the other spots! ^^
The bright orange ball of light that was the sun, shone like a fireball through the smoke. The sun reflecting orange spots on the shiny towers of the city.
Ahh, such a pretty description! I love the way you compared the sun to a bright orange ball and it shining through the smoke. Personally, I would take out the "that was the sun" part; we already know it's the sun, and it reduces the impact of the metaphor. I would also think of replacing one of the oranges to avoid repetition, but it's up to you if you don't agree! (Technically, your latter sentence isn't a sentence by itself; you could combine it with the first one if you'd like!)
She watched a building lazily fall, vanishing in a cloud of dust.
Omg what is happening
OMG SHE HAS WINGS I'M JEALOUS
The entire city was covered in a smoky haze. Most of the smoke gathered at the to. But bits of smoke still lingered down below.
A quick suggestion for you as you write; a lot of the sentences in this paragraph are about the same length. I think it's super helpful to make sentences vary in length in a paragraph to add variety and make it easier for the reader to get through c:
Okay so as I'm reading on, I'm noticing that a lot of your sentences are about medium in length, like the ones I quoted above. It makes reading this very repetitive, so that's just something I'd think about in future drafts ^^
A few buildings were gone, and the faint wail of sirens weaved through the remaining buildings to her.
I love this description <3
Zillah reached the cloud of smoke and dust surrounding the city in seconds. She stopped just in front of it, the wings pulling the smoke back and forth, causing it to swirl around her. She had to get in but how. Flying straight through would clog up her lungs. Was there a break? She could go down below but there was still smoke but less of it.
The villainess flew around the smoke, trying to find a clear spot. The smoke soon opened up.
I noticed you said the word "smoke" quite a bit in this section, so I would try to avoid repetition, or at least repeating them so close together
A mild panic welled up in her, were the kids she'd helped ok? A horrific image of helpless children screaming for help flashed in her eyes. How dare someone hurt them.
Ahh, I love how we get to see here how much she cares for the safety of the children. That's so sweet and a nice characterization spot <3
AND OMG SHE'S A VILLAINESS
“What,” she gasped as she spiralled down.
She tried pulling her wing out. Whilst frantically trying to gain some stability with her left.
Zillah crashed onto a pile of rubble.
Ooh, I think this would be a really cool spot to build some tension! What was she feeling when she was falling down? Panicked? Scared? Was the wind slapping her in the face? It all happened very quickly, and some elaboration would be lovely! ^^
“Danger, that's not good.”
No, no it isn't :O
She paused, how long had she lay there, she could have been on death edge, why hasn't anyone helped her?
She scoffed, what was she thinking they wouldn’t help her.
Aww </3 that must hurt. or maybe she's gotten numb to the idea now
I REALLY NEED to read this novel from the beginning, omg I am invested
She dropped to her knees and turned. Leaning against the cold stone.
A little nap wouldn't hurt.
AHH I love the way you ended this! What a note of suspense! From the way she was walking and feeling, I have a hunch that this might be more than a nap 0.0 ... I really hope she is okay
LADY THIS IS SUCH A COOL PREMISE! I love the world you have going on, and writing from a villainess's point of view is fresh and unique! I'm loving Zillah's character is far (and her name is gorgeous) and I want to know more about her! I'm definitely going to be coming back for more <3
I also love how you have one-liners that I find a bit humourous! It makes the piece a little lighter and can distract the reader for a moment about all the chaos that is going on.
And ooh, I wonder who that mysterious man is! I love their showdown, but how did he make her wings fold like that?? :O
I'M EXCITED TO SEE MORE FROM YOU, LADY! I hope this helped! ^_^
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