Published March 3, 2019
REALLY QUICK NOTE: This series is about a princess who finds out too much about something going on in her own palace. When she finds out people try to kill her so she has to go on the run. This will take a few chapters to get into so please give it a chance. Thank you and enjoy!
Eliz woke up to Tara setting a breakfast tray on her bedside table. "Good morning, Highness. Happy birthday." the maid said in her husky voice. Eliz was an orphan. Her parents were killed by Quinn Blake, (an assassin) 10 years ago. She was the heir to Fyra and she was finally ready to take the crown. Her coronation was tomorrow. "Thanks, Tara. Let me eat then help me get ready." Eliz demanded.
As soon as she was ready she glided downstairs. When one is a princess, one glides, not walks. As she passed the Cozy Room (a room where only Eliz and female maids were allowed) she heard two male voices. She stopped in her tracks. HOW DARE MEN GO IN THERE. As she marched up to the door she heard the voices sounded a tad familiar. "Hurry up, Tiger. Anyone could come in." A heavily accented voice said sharply. "Hold on, Lion. Got it! Let's go." Another man said. She waited by the oak door for a second, waiting for the two men to come through, but no one did. After waiting a minute she opened it and slammed it behind her so hard that some of the door-frame crumpled. No one was in there. There were no windows or other doors in the room. It was like the men had disappeared. She replayed the men's conversation in her mind. One of them had said got it.
She went through every drawer and every cabinet. Nothing was taken. Her Ruby tiara was still there, so the men couldn't have been thieves. Ghosts, maybe? She laughed aloud at that thought. She left the room, weirdly, feeling lighter. She finally had something other than her birthday and coronation to think about.
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138,079 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello hello my dear. So, here' the deal, I live in a house with too many people where we don't have wifi, but when I'm at coffee shops and the like, I load up stuff on my laptop so I can enjoy them offline (pinterest, youtube vidoes, fanfics, the like) and this is one of those things, so I'm sorry for spelling mistakes and stuff because I don't have spell check.
Now that that's over with, I'm going to go through this paragraph by paragraph and give my general thoughts at the end. And with no further ado, into the review! (I love rhymes)
"Eliz woke up to Tara setting a breakfast tray on her bedside table. "Good morning, Highness. Happy birthday." the maid said in her husky voice. Eliz was an orphan. Her parents were killed by Quinn Blake, (an assassin) 10 years ago. She was the heir to Fyra and she was finally ready to take the crown. Her coronation was tomorrow. "Thanks, Tara. Let me eat then help me get ready." Eliz demanded."
I feel like you could have written a stronger opener. Maybe describe what, exactly, it was that woke Eliz up. Was it the smell of whatever is on that tray? Was it the sound of Tara's clothes rustling? The sound of the tray sliding against the wood? Or did Tara open a window, allowing the light to wake Eliz up naturally in the way that always get's the least hostility, in my experience? There could be a lot more detail is what I'm saying. Additionally, your just dumping all of that backstory on us readers like that was rather inelegant of you. I'll get to what you could have done instead and why in the next paragraph.
"As soon as she was ready she glided downstairs. When one is a princess, one glides, not walks. As she passed the Cozy Room (a room where only Eliz and female maids were allowed) she heard two male voices. She stopped in her tracks. HOW DARE MEN GO IN THERE. As she marched up to the door she heard the voices sounded a tad familiar. "Hurry up, Tiger. Anyone could come in." A heavily accented voice said sharply. "Hold on, Lion. Got it! Let's go." Another man said. She waited by the oak door for a second, waiting for the two men to come through, but no one did. After waiting a minute she opened it and slammed it behind her so hard that some of the door-frame crumpled. No one was in there. There were no windows or other doors in the room. It was like the men had disappeared. She replayed the men's conversation in her mind. One of them had said got it."
I love that detail about gliding, but maybe that bit on the end, "not walks", was a little awkward, if you could find another way to word that it could be rather iconic and give a pretty good window into who, exactly, Eliz is.
Another thing about this is the time jump. You go from her being in her bedroom, about to get ready, to her gliding down the hallway and becoming enraged by the sound of male voices in an all female space. You could have used that time in the bedroom while she was getting ready with Tara to set up a lot of imporatnt stuff. For example, where you just dumped on us that she was an orphan, you could have had her talk to Tara while she helped her get ready (depending on the exact time period that could mean lacing up a corset (which is a topic I am moderately versed in, having written a reasearch paper on it, so if you have any questions I could either give you an answer or find one for you), or getting into the varrious kinds of gowns and whatnot that noble women wore throughout different periods in time. Having the two of them talk would not only give us readers a glimpse into how Eliz treats her servants, which would in turn show us a bit of who she is as a person, but it would also allow for a conversation between the two of them that would HINT AT Eliz's status as an orphan and who killed her parents.
I imagine that conversation going somewhere along the lines of, "Tell the gaurds to double the security on Quinn Blake," Eliz ordered before telling Tara which dress she would be wearing.
"Of course my lady," Tara responded obediently, retiriening the proper undergarments for the dress Eliz had choosen.
A minute later, as Eliz was stepping into the crinolins that would hold the skirt in shape, she spoke again, "Make it tripple, I don't want any interruptions today."
"I understand my lady, best not allow your parents fate to befall you as well."
"You would do well not to mention my parents today, Tara," Eliz warned, "I already have to bear the weight of my mother's crown, the loss of a servant would be a true tragedy."
Or, you know, whatever would fit their characters better. Feel free to quote me directly, by the way, at least here. I'll let you know when it's okay.
Anyway, you'll notice in that example I stared a new paragraph EVERY SINGLE TIME a new character spoke. This is one of the little rules of writing that no one tells you in school but you absolutely must follow at all times always. Just trust me. Nothing pegs you at an amature more than multiple characters talking in the same paragraph.
Okay, I believe I've lingered long enough, onward!
"She went through every drawer and every cabinet. Nothing was taken. Her Ruby tiara was still there, so the men couldn't have been thieves. Ghosts, maybe? She laughed aloud at that thought. She left the room, weirdly, feeling lighter. She finally had something other than her birthday and coronation to think about."
Oh my lovely darling, you had the right idea here, but you excecuted it, unfortuantely, rather poorly. The line "Ghosts, maybe?" might read better in italics, to indicate a direct thought, but it works either way. And I was kinda wondering why the princess who undoubtedly holds a ton of political power and influence, not to mention she would be a rather hot topic durring the intricate discord of court, would regualraly hang out in a room with the staff and just, kinda, leave her incredibly valuable jewels there. Where the servants could just, you know, take them and bolt. I know I would, let's be honest. (I've never pretened to be a good person).
Also, maybe switch "weirdly" to "oddly", I don't know, it just sounds better in my head, but maybe that's why my inner monologue is narrated by a steampunk vicorian-inspired space duchess named Blue most of the time. You do as you please, though, and feel free to contact me directly should you happen to have any questions or if you just edit this and want someone to review it, I'm here. I'll also review any additonal chapters if you message me, and I'm open to brainstorming.
My general thoughts are pretty basic, the premise has potential and I'm curious to see where this is going, you need to get better at utalizing every opportunity you have to create meaningful suspense, and your character devolopment was rather lacking. Like I said, I'll offer whatever advice I can, but you should keep in mind that I am also a small bean with no meaningful exprerence, so everything I say should be taken with a grain of salt. (I also cal everyone by tearms of endearment for no reason what so ever, so if that's off putting to you or if it somes off as condecending of anything just tell me to stop). You should look into checkoves gun, it could help you out.
(Wow, I'm realizing that it is incredibly obvious that I'm in a lul between projects. Literally all I have to do is interview this person who works for Disney making costumes. I also have to write a thing on "As you like it" by Shakspere, but I'm just gonna leave that for some other time that isn't now)
Thank you for the eye-opening review! I will rewrite this story with what you have said, and I hope you don't mind if I do quote some of what you said in the re-write and maybe you can re-review it lol? Anyways, thank you so much, this was very very helpful.
XD. Maybe you can read another one of my works, Abnormals (Part one) and/ or Sour Taste? If you want? You don't have to but I'd love some constructive criticism. Again. thank you for the review
Will do, I just gotta pick up my lil sis right now, but later I'll get on that.
Thank you! That means a lot
It might be a little while until you get the review because my house has no wifi and whatnot, but I'll be as detailed as possible.
Hi.. It’s Morgan here for a review. You ready?
Okay, so to start off, I’d like to say what a great job you did here with your first chapter. I enjoyed the part when the princess woke up and there was her maid. I instantly connected with Eliz which is a good thing, and you’re dialogues were on fleek.
Although, I’d like to point out a few things. Don’t worry, they’re not that bad. For your dialogue, and it’s not something everyone gets instantly, but if you observe the way authors write stories, their dialogue have a more different structure. For example...
“Hurry up, Tiger. Anyone could come in.” A heavily accented voice said sharply. “Hold on, Lion. Got it! Let’s go.” Another man said.
Here, you have two characters talking. Lion and Tiger (nice names btw. Lol) To keep it more organized and for the reader to know who says which, you usually have what the characters say separated. Sorry I know, It doesn’t make much sense. Here...
“Hurry up, Tiger. Anyone could come in.” A heavily accented voice said sharply.
“Hold on, Lion. Got it! Let’s go.” Another man said.
I know it’ll take up space, but in this way, you can add more things about THAT SPECIFIC character.
So yeah, that’s all I want to point out to you. If this doesn’t make much sense, I am totally sorry. I’m not good at explaining things. Like that’s just not my thing. Yeah, anyway, all I would say is maybe looking it up. Or (more easily) just take a look at a book, and you’ll see the way the dialogue are separated for each character.
Hope this helps.
Morgan
This does make perfect sense. Thank you for taking the time to leave a review! I appreciate it.
Sorry, replied to the wrong one, my sister is fiddling with our new ukulele and it's very distracting.
XD. Maybe you can read another one of my works, Abnormals (Part one) and/ or Sour Taste? If you want? You don't have to but I'd love some constructive criticism. Again. thank you for the review
Hi there!
First things first: I really liked the story. It flows very smoothly. As Manilla said, giving away the backstory too quickly takes away from the suspense. I myself have done this too many times.
The chapter is a little short, but that is okay.
Also, you can add some more detail to certain parts. For example, when the princess hears the two men, you can put in more details about their voices, or Lion's accent, etc.
Overall, I really like the plot and the way the story was written.
Keep writing,
Miraculor
Thank you for the helpful review, I will be sure to add more detail and keep the backstory more mysterious in my future works.
You're welcome.
Hi JadeLotus!
Hope you're doing well. I'm here to give you a review just like I asked you to ask me or whatever. That doesn't make sense...
Anyways, you have a wonderful chapter here. I like the way you started it off. With the princess waking up. It's like waking the reader up, telling them, it's story time! XD
Okay, so, I'm just gonna start pointing out mistakes. (I pick out the teeniest of mistakes. Don't get annoyed, please.)
1.
I would recommend not using many brackets in your stories. I used to do that a lot! But, then I understood that brackets are more for articles than they are for stories. Also, I want you to know that it's not recommended that you should use much numbers in stories. Use as much words as possible.
2.
It'd sound smoother if you had typed in a comma after 'eat' and 'then'. If you had done that, it would've been like this:
3.
Again, no brackets.
4.
You don't need to capitalize 'Ruby', unless it's a brand in the princess world? I dunno. But whatever.
I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this. I'd love to see more from you soon!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
Thank you for the review! I'll use fewer brackets in future and more commas. I do want to say that Ruby is a jewelry brand (I probably shouldn't have named it after a gem because that makes it confusing) and it comes into the plot later on.
Your welcome. I knew it was brand!
Your welcome, JadeLotus!
Hi, I saw this in the green room and thought I'd give it a quick review.
Overall, there weren't many issues and I really enjoyed this piece but I did pick up on a few things you could tweak to make it even better.
One thing I noticed was that you give the backstory too soon. I'm guilty of doing this myself but, instead of telling the reader this information straight away, you can show it. For example, where you tell the reader:
'Eliz was an orphan. Her parents were killed by Quinn Blake, (an assassin) 10 years ago. She was the heir to Fyra and she was finally ready to take the crown. Her coronation was tomorrow. '
Although there is nothing wrong with this, it doesn't leave the reader guessing. It is super important to keep the reader wanting to know more and being intrigued by the mystery of the story. This is a simple fix by just removing some of it. In my opinion, all you need to say is that she is taking the crown and it's her coronation.
This automatically tells the reader that something has happened to cause her to step up and therefore makes them wonder why and what the backstory is. Ultimately, it makes them want to 'read on' and find out more about the characters.
Hope this has helped!
Thank you for the review! It will help my future writing.
Hi! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we?
As a reader
Because this is the beginning, there'a a lot we don't know. But since you give us information, there'a a lot we know too. Perhaps bold the quick note so that it's not part of the story? Just a personal thing.
The sentences in this story are, on average, short - That's not always a bad thing, but you should try to vary sentence length to make it flow smoother. Also, you should start a new paragraph after a line of dialogue, so the reader knows who's saying what. Example:
The sequence of events is relatively easy to follow, though, and we start to get a sense of the story's style.
As a writer
This is a common practice I see you doing - It's okay, though, a lot of beginners do it too: You tell us what's going on in the story instead of showing it. Doing this doesn't present a glaring fault in your writing, however. It just takes practice to overcome. Related to this, there are some details that we would care to know while other details that we don't need to.
You introduce this extremely early in the story. I know it's probably central to the plot, but there are better, smoother ways to implement it in the story.
Is the maid's voice this way because she is tired? That helps us get who the maid is as a person and the life she lives, serving Eliz.
Also, you should be careful of the words you choice when describing actions or things, because they set the mood of the story.
Eliz says thanks, but demands a request. Is this "thanks" said coldly? Or is "demanded" not as a good of a word to fit the situation as "requested", per say?
Overall
It's a solid start to a longer work. There is a lot more waiting to be revealed about the characters, their setting, and relations with each other. Take the time to reveal these details to the reader to send the plot forward. Keep it up!
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful. That was not my intention.)
Thank you for the review! This will really help improve my writing style and content.
You%u2019re a welcome!