I'm breaking down, I'm not here.
I can't breathe, I can't feel.
Why am I like this always?
Why can't I be like all the others?
These feelings inside are something I can't hide.
I wanna scream and let it out but I can't.
Why did this happen to me?
Why am I to blame.
Why can't I be the normal one and anyone else insane.
I don't have answers but I don't complain.
Maybe someday all will fall into place.
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
So I'll first say, it's really relatable. Everyone, at one time or another has felt this feeling. The consistency is nice. Though I do believe the structure and flow need to be worked on. It has great potential, keep at it.
Hi there LadyAstella! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.
First off, I'm not sure if you meant for this to be in Lyrics or Poetry. It's listed as Lyrics, but doesn't seem to have anything to indicate a song structure, like a chorus or verses. So I will treat it as a poem.
I like this bit. I think it's common to want to feel "normal", but it's interesting that she would wish her insanity upon someone else. The "Why am I to blame" part is interesting to me because it implies that she did something in the midst of this mental breakdown. The last line is kind of ironic because the speaker is saying they don't complain and yet this whole poem is a complaint about their feelings.
Overall, this poem feels like a typical "mental breakdown" poem. I've written stuff very similar to this, though thankfully most of the examples that were posted on YWS are now hidden from view, haha. It's really hard to write about emotions and feeling insane and still sound interesting to a reader who is not attached to these emotions.
So how do you get past that, to write about your emotions and put a unique spin on it? Use imagery to give us a specific scene. Like if I was going to write about a breakdown, I might talk about the time I started crying over a stupid deadline for a school project and ended up crying on my quiz paper but still got a 19/20 on the quiz because that's just how I roll. Okay, so that's not a particularly poetic description, but it sets a scene that can show you aspects of my personality and what I care about, rather than me just saying "I feel sad/angry/whatever".
Here's some Knowledge Base articles you may find useful in writing emotional poems:
viewtopic.php?f=152&t=107793-this article talks about why you should be specific in poetry and how to add specificity
viewtopic.php?f=152&t=105572-this article talks about how to edit emotion in your poems so it leaves a stronger impact on the reader
viewtopic.php?f=152&t=18790-a classic article about how to make an emotional poem stand out
Overall, I think you have some lines that hint at a bigger story and I think with some work you could make this feel a little more unique to you. Keep writing!
Hi there @LadyAstella I am here to do a review on you work.
What I like about this
I can't breathe, I can't feel. when I read this I thort of a lake and I am swiming in the lake and not a bill to come up again even thoe I can not breath at all.
Maybe someday all will fall into place. this is nise for it just sounds real to me for I wish the same thing some times.
some help
I'm breaking down, I'm not here. I am going to go and try to ad a bit more to this down in Suggestions.
Why am I like this always? look down in suggestion this will be there.
Why can't I be like all the others? I am going to put this in suggestions to.
okay I was think king that you missed one line I and this is what you missed I hop you like it.
What is wrong with me, I do not under stand this? there down and that goes under the sen tins that I just gave a suggestion for.
Suggestions
1 For: I'm breaking down, I'm not here. I'm breaking down, I'm not here at all any more.
2 For Why am I like this always? Why am I like this all the time?
3 For: Why can't I be like all the others? Why can't I be like all the others in this world now? so that was all that I can say, so keep up the good work.
@EagleFly out to Seek and Kill
Hello there! I would like to say before anything else, this is really good! It just has a few technical problems is all.
The first of the aforementioned problems is in the line "I wanna scream and let it out but I can't.". It just...dosen't sound right. I would try something else, maybe something along the lines of "I wanna scream but it's stuck in my throat." or something like that instead.
The only other place where I can spot any problems is,
"Why can't I be the normal one and anyone else insane.
I don't have answers but I don't complain.
Maybe someday all will fall into place."
The first of those lines should have ended in a question mark rather than a period, a small thing but it still bothers me, and the last line should be changed a little. Rather than, "Maybe someday all will fall into place" I would write "Maybe it will all fall into place someday." as "complain" and "someday" are near-rhymes and it just sounds a little better in my opinion. If you had a rhyme scheme of some kind that I could spot I wouldn't suggest you do that, but you don't appear to, and if you do, you don't stick to it very strictly.
But that's just my opinion. Poetry is more subjective than other forms of writing, and you can bend the rules a bit more, so everyone's opinion greatly influences their perception of a particular poem. Do whatever you want with this review, ignore it, edit according to it, whatever. I don't even have any of my own poetry published here so you can take my review with a grain of salt, so to speak, if you so please.
Anyway, that's all from me, bye bye now!