[22. Kiss]
She got these groove fingers
and this burlap dress dat scratches up against me
when she move
like daddy's stubble face when he blow raspberries
into my stomach.
She got this Winco grocery bag smile;
empty it and fly it in the wind and
it'll turn into a the head of a white man's baby:
wrinkly and old-faced
as big as the sky when you turn out all the citylights an' see
that God is up there sowing seeds, man.
Sowing apple-seed stars all over her milkweed silk,
and her candy-jar hands scoop dat loose sky-soil over
the seedlings and pat it down.
Lemme tell you this, she just sit there for hours
she'll sit there for hours in her backyard
lit by nigger sweat and horse-whip cracks
lit by fingers dat brush up against the fever heads of chil'ens
and the creaking of bones, front-porch deck and the screen-door creaking
Buddy.
Feel my hands.
They are plow-share hands.
They are greasy as momma's cooking.
They are cold, cold, cold.
And Sugar, these green bean limbs won't last me much longer
and my chest is getting all ratty, like movie theatre seats.
If she hold me, Lor', I know I can keep on moving
but her,
she just too jealous and she keeps her mo-town kisses
like little southern black girls tryin' to keep their virginity.
Ha!
I never heard a more laughable sit-u-ation!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
XD
Dude, we're white Californian girls with the most unsouthern accent you can stomach, but Sgt Salt and I still gave you a video critique. And it kind of sounded spectacularly bad, but oh well! Actually, I was involved with this Hughes reading which involved a bunch of Californian kids reading his work, so there's no real way to make us Californians sound good with southern accents. Sorry! But we still read it and we still commented on it. Hopefully, it'll help! And if it doesn't help, hopefully it'll amuse you. But you have a really nice poem already.
Anyway, here it is!
http://revver.com/video/1348436/affilia ... cky-fried/
Hey Kylan --
This poem was just absolutely amazing. I've been reading Alice Walker, Hurston and Hughes for a class, and it's all fresh in my head, and this poem rolled forward just as smoothly and beautifully as those. There is so much rich imagery - quite a lot, but I feel like you give a rolling pause and break with the "Buddy. Feel my hands" stanza, which coasts me into the ending.
My favorite stanza is the first one, but the imagery appeals to me the most there - it's such a strong beginning. And I think the ending is very strong as well, and even pokes me to go back and read it, since the narrarator is summing the situation up as such and I want to see it like that then.
One thing that did not really run as smoothly for me was the use of "dat" - though I understand the use of it, and it fits with the tone and syntax, but it's such a sharp little word and that would have carried on the tone fine as well, though this really is an area of creative preference.
Anyway, that's all I can really say without dishing out more praise for this poem, so I hope this was helpful/amusing in some way! PM me for anything.
~ Clo