Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Chapter 1
Isn't it funny how your life can go down hill in a matter of minutes. As quick as the snap of your finger. Or the time it takes for a pregnancy test to measure your
pregnancy hormones and come out positive.
I was fifteen. I lived on a small farm house eight horses. One for each member in my family. I don't have a father he passed away before I was born so I have two Mons. They are not lesbians or anything like that. They are best friends and we live together as one family. You know my mom her best friend and us six kids. I am the oldest and I guess that mean I am the role model. We may not be the richest family in Kentucky but we have just enough and we are more than okay with that. Another important thing in my life is my boyfriend. We have been together since second grade and my love for him remains the same. We
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141,376 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hello there.
Here's my review for the day to you.
First off, chapter one should be on a seperate line.
The first sentence, starting with "Isn't it..." is a question. Thus put a question mark at the end of it, not just a full-stop.
The second sentence isn't a full sentence on it's own, and it's snap of your fingers. The word is plural in this context.
I think the third statement is a continuation of the second, thus delete the period at it's beginning.
The fifth sentence "I lived on a small farm house WITH eight horses." That omission was probably a typo. The next sentence is a continuation, thus replace the period with a comma.
"I don't have a father he passed away before I was born so I have two Mons."
From this phrase on you changed the tense from past to present. Pick either one tense, not both.
The 'm' of Moms need not be capitalized, and also edit the spelling.
"You know my mom her best friend and us six kids." - I don't understand this statement, or it's reason to be put.
"Another important ASPECT in my life is my boyfriend." - that sounds nicer to the boyfriend.
And finally, I see the work hasn't been completed. Do complete it though.
On an overall, you should add a bit of the "Show, don't tell" manner to your writing. I'm sure there's more to come that'll be a pleasure to read. But judging simply from this very short introduction, I'd say that you also need more imagery. Add descriptions of the physical world around her; her barn, her mother, her boyfriend. And so forth.
Best wishes!
You need to make your paragraphs smaller.
OK you cut of to abruptly here.
Sorry but this is not making any sens to me.
(I have two Mons) what is a Mon it sounds a bit like a man or something might need to elaborate more.
But otherwise I don't see any spelling problems or grammar problems.
Oh shoot It didn't put the rest! Is there a way to fix this?
There should be an edit button.
Yeah, there's an edit button by the right-hand side of your submission.
I don't see it. sorry I'm new to this stuff. I have always wanted to be a writer but I just can't seem to win.
Should be on the right hand side of the screen, have a look next to your story