Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
"Another day another dollar, more like another day another house." This would be the third house we have moved into since James was born six months ago. James is my little brother, he is also my mom's twelfth kid. My dad passed away about five months ago and my mom can't handle the pain. Every house we move into has something wrong with it or every time a kid does something wrong they are in huge trouble. She keeps saying it is because she wants us perfect and everything to be perfect for us. She works from 3 in the morning until 12 at night. I watch the kids during the day, that also means I have to move all of the kids into their new rooms and decorate the rest of the house. We pulled up into the new house and we poured out of the car like clowns. We all stood hand in hand in front of the new house.
I had the kids walk in a line from youngest to oldest walk in a line behind me. We walked into the master bedroom. It had a large walk in closet and a bathroom. It was fun listening to all of the kids trying to guess who got it. I told them that it was Mom's room. They all had disappointed but not surprised looks on their faces. All Mom had for her room was a bed and a dresser. So I had Toby and Kieth, the ten year old boy twins. Nikki the twelve year old girl, and Andi who is the girl and Tyler who is the boy of the fourteen year old twins help me paint the room Evergreen green and then carry in the dresser and the bed. I had the younger kids, Stacey and Macy the four year twins, and Parker the ten year old make the bed and put her cloths in the drawers while Riley the two year old girl and James the six month old played on the porch. When her room was finished we did the rest of the house. Jame's room was blue and green. Riley's was all pink. Stacey and Macy's was zebra. Parker's was all black. Toby and Kieth's was all Boston Celtics. Nikki's was purple and orange. Andi's was the same as Tyler's, race cars. There was only one room left and we decided to save it for Bentley who was my 23 yr old brother and also my best friend and Jeffrey who was my 25 year old brother. they were both in college and I haven't seen them since my father's funeral. I went walking around until I found some strange steps. They lead up to a secret room. I wanted to make it my room. It was right up my alley, a triangle window and it was all wood, the only thing that would change my mind was a cut rope in the middle of the room. But it could have been anything so I decided that it was mine. I brought my stuff up here and went back down stairs to make lunch. After everyone washed their hands and sat down to eat there was a knock at the door. I opened the big white door to see Bentley. My heart started pounding and I ran to him and jumped on him. He was really here with me after five months of not talking to him!
"Hey Ken!" I haven't been called Ken in so long. "What the hell do you want Bentley!?" I said in a serious tone. His smile dropped, you could tell he felt guilt after practically disowning me for five months. He went to apologize and I told him I was just joking. He sighed in relief that I wasn't mad. After all of the kids came to say hello to him we layed them down for a nap and I showed him my new room. We sat up there for hours talking. Then I heard James crying. I ran downstairs to get him and brought him up for Bentley to watch him while I make dinner. I put dinner on the table and woke them up one at a time and had them eat. They where all still tired so I bathed them and put them back to bed. Then James, Bentley, and I ate. After that I put James in my bed. And Bentley went to bed.
I fell asleep and got woken up about three in the morning to James laughing I rolled over to see a boy about my age with a nuse around his neck playing with my brother. I pulled James closer to me and stared at the boy. he was gorgeous. He had brown hair and blue eyes. He looked really mature. Who was he why was he in my room? I asked him why he was in my room, he told me that it was his room twenty years ago. I didn't believe that he was over twenty. I asked him how old he was, he told me he was 19. I was confused. I asked him what the hell was wrong with him. He told me that he killed himself in this room. I looked over and saw the cut rope. I looked at him and asked if he was going to hurt me or my family. He told me to pretend i never seen him. Then I asked him his name he said "Charles."
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hey there!
As far as reviewing goes, Noelle has it pretty much covered. But I'll see what I can do
Most of the things I can find are nitpicky, and very much simply opinions, nothing major.
'They all had disappointed but not surprised looks on their faces.' - You can use an adjective before describing a look on someone's face, but once you start using a second one to add to the first, it seems like your trying to hard to keep the phrase 'looks on their faces'. I get it; it's a cool phrase, but this would read easier as 'They all looked disappointed but not surprised.'
Hmm I'm not sure if Noelle pointed this out yet, but there is a difference from when Mackenzie talks to Bentley, and when she talks to Charles. With Bentley, there is real dialogue with those handy dialogue marker things whose names elude me. But with Charles, you say what she asked, but she doesn't ask it. You know what I mean? Like, we can't see the words as she says them, she's just telling us that she DID say them. Like here :
'I asked him what the hell was wrong with him. He told me that he killed himself in this room.' - I think you should switch her conversation with Charles to real dialogue, because dialogue also lets you get to know the characters better, and you can really add to the mood of your story with it too. So it would be something like: "What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked him, horrified( or insert some other adjective here).
Oh I have to go eat supper, so cutting this review short. Over all, its really good, cool stort idea, so keep writing!
~ Sarra ~
Hi there!
Don't you just hate it when YWS messes up all your formatting? It's alright, really, because I can still read this. So here's my review on this. I hope it helps!
I understand that this is a saying, but it needs to be put in italics. It'll look like this: "Another day another dollar. More like another day another house". Why, you may ask? Well, it looks like a piece of dialogue when it's written inside of quotation marks. I thought it was dialogue for the longest time and I couldn't figure out who had said it. So keep that in mind for the future. Sayings are usually written in italics. That way they're kept separate from dialogue and the rest of the story.
I find this a bit unrealistic. Of course the mother is going to work a lot considering she is a single parent with so many kids. But to work for 21 hours out of the day? That's a bit much, don't you think? You know, I just watched the movie "Yours, Mine, and Ours" the other day. I'm not sure if you've seen it, or even heard of it, but the basic storyline is that there's a single father with eight kids and a single mother with ten. They fall in love and move their kids in together with them. It's a crazy household and so much goes wrong and it's just...funny. But anyway, my point is that the mother has a job sewing scarves (or something like that) and selling them. She can stay home and be with the kids while still working. It might be more realistic if the mother in this story had a job like that as well. Because the kids do need their mother. Your main character can't take care of all the kids at once all the time.
Yes, I would think they would file out like clowns. I can see it now
So I can remember when I moved, I tried to steal the master bedroom from my parents XD we went through the house tour and once we reached the master bedroom I was like, "This is my room!" This reminds me of that.
Just wanted to share that...
Just a couple little grammatical corrections.
I might suggest describing what you mean about the Boston Celtics. I know what you mean of course, seeing as I watch ESPN like nonstop. But there are some people out there who are just not sports fans. So as a writer, you must cater to them and describe it for them. It doesn't need to be much either. Maybe just a sentence about how the Celtics are green and white and have an Irish dude as their mascot. Get what I'm saying?
The introduction of the boy Charles is interesting. How'd he get James up there in the first place? I like it, though. Very interesting. It's kinda cool how Ken wakes up and there's just this random boy there. I'd like to know a little more about his appearance though. Ken says that he's gorgeous, but how gorgeous is he? Does he have perfect skin and shiny eyes? Does his hair fall in front of his face in just the right way? Is his defined chest showing through his skin tight shirt? If you give us a few more details this can be just that much better.
As for your main character, they're an interesting character. First off, I'm not sure if they're a boy or a girl. I was thinking that they were a boy because Bentley called them Ken. But then later on when your character runs into Charles, he/she describes him as gorgeous. That gives me the impression that he/she is a girl. Guys just wouldn't describe another guy as gorgeous. My suggestion would be to add a little something in there somewhere that hints to the gender of your character. Maybe a quick glance in the mirror to fix her long hair or pulling off his shirt because it got too hot when he was painting the rooms. It's the subtle hints that give readers the information they yearn for.
Overall I think this is a good start. It seems more like a prologue than a chapter to me. I feel like you gave us a lot of information, which is good, but that's usually how prologues go. You can keep this as the first chapter of course because at the end of the day it's your novel. But in my opinion I think this is a prologue.
This idea is very interesting. I've heard so many stories about houses haunted by evil ghosts that run around killing everyone and things like that. But this just seems like something different to me. I'm sure there'll be something terrible going on seeing as this is categorized under horror, but Charles seems very tame right now.
The idea that this family is so huge gives great comedic relief. Just sitting here thinking about their whole living situation makes me chuckle a bit. For some reason I'm imagining this story leading to a time when ghosts overtake the house and the kids go to war against them. I'm not sure why, and I'm sure that's not where you're taking this story, but that's what I was thinking of when I read about Charles.
I hope this review was helpful! I really did enjoy reading this. Hopefully the formatting will be working the next time you try and post. Good luck with that XD
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks for the help. This was kind of a rough draft. I thought I put in there James slept with me because I could hardly hear him from his room. I also had limited time. and I meant to put from 12 am to 6 pm and i guess my fingers got ahead of my mind. And my character's name is Mackenzie but Bentley calls me Ken.
This sucks, It wont show paragraphs.