Life Beyond Borders Of Man
Golden dust upon these sacred lands draws near, angels of personified beauty; yet we misunderstand their guidance for truth, buried deep below our shark filled oceans of unknown mysteries - rushing through woe contaminated lakes and streams.
Caressing pasts intertwine present and future, sparking new balances upon scales of law and justice, thus completing long painful cycles - erasing hardship - creating new currents that push us forward, towards priceless advancements; hence, stretching arms of our elders, push imprisoned souls away from poisoned, historic moments of the past.
Here we stand, white man holding hands with black women; singing carols, to free eternal lives of peace; rewriting treaties to reclaim prosperity for lands once forgotten in unfair games of Monopoly; forgiving those who cheated in games of solitaire, allowing access down new roads, to seek and accept friendship, between the many bloodlines of mankind.
Poem Copyright 2008 - 2010
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I'm going to take a guess that this piece of prose is meant to mark the occasion of the Australian apology to the Aborigines back in 2008. Not everyone will catch the reference though (particularly those who live outside Australia) so you may want to add just a quick note explaining that. Otherwise, it makes it difficult to understand.
You definitely chose your words carefully and there's a lot of polish in this piece, and I really like the last two stanzas. But the first stanza is filled with imagery without meaning as Kyllorac noted. From reading it, it sounds like you're saying the apology is doomed to failure. But then the last two stanzas go in the complete opposite direction.
Even so, I did enjoy this piece.
Hello there, and welcome to YWS. I see you haven't reviewed anyone yet, so I suggest you get around to doing so soon. It will not only get you more reviews in turn, but it will also get you the points you need to post in certain areas of the site and send gifts.
As far as this poem goes, I'm not sure what to make of it. My first impression was to wonder if your line breaks had been eaten when you posted since it sometimes happens. Then it occurred to me that maybe you were trying for a prose poem? In either case, there's a couple of issues.
The first of these issues is that the first two stanzas don't make grammatical sense. Part of this has to do with punctuation, some with apparently missing words, and all with rambling sentences which seem to have forgotten the point they were originally intended to make. The rambling in particular seems to be due to the second issue.
The second issue is that almost none of the imagery is grounded in the poem. You have so much imagery tossed in here and there, but none of it is given a clear basis in the poem or connection to other images. You jump around symbols and analogies and metaphors without clear reason or consistency, and it is confusing. What exactly is the "golden dust"? How are they related to "angels of personified beauty"? What exactly is "personified beauty"?
Basically, the impression I get is that the first two stanzas are filled with imagery for the sake of imagery. It may sound pretty, but it lacks substance. Imagery in poetry needs to enhance the core messages/themes of the poem; not obscure them. Right now, I get the impression that the overflow of imagery is bogging down this poem.
I suggest going back and stripping this poem of everything not directly related to the main point, then go back and add imagery onto the skeleton, making sure that each item of imagery directly relates to the main point and that you have clear connections between the different pieces of imagery. This will make your poem much more coherent and understandable.