When

Wow, so profound!
You have such a talent, such a wonderful talent. This poem gave me chills and made my heart sore. You have the potential of a lifetime in your fingertips. You could destroy mountains, but bring up bridges. The words of a true poet, you have the world in your hands. And if your novel is to be published, i will be the first to purchase it. You have such a gift for making people feel your pain and love in your writing, something i wish i could do. Please, never give up this talent, because one day, i promise you, you will be taking the breath out of everyone who grasps your novel in their hands.


You are an amazing writer.

- Asahide

I love this!

Such a cool poem. I love how you played around with the fonts of certain words. "c r u m b l e d" and "shuddered" and "trembling" really add texture and sound and vision to the words and to the entire piece. I would love to see more of this.

The piece has a lot of elements that come alive for me. There is breath and movement and rhythm and pulse. The lines "I watched as your diaphragm/contracted with each inhale;" is so stunning and visual I can both see and feel it.

The blurriness of "believing" does something to the meaning of that word that I think is really unique and striking. Kind of like looking through a lens where your eyes are blurry from crying.

I'd love to see you play around more with the texture and font of other words in the piece. It's a fantastic poem. Thanks for sharing,

-Dream

Kat here to review! Excuse typos I’m on an iPhone.

I like the brevity of your piece! Short, sweet, concise, not much room to go wrong here but hat also means you have to create your impact with fewer words. Sometimes less is more and that is the case here. Though I loved how creative you got with the actual visual aspect of the words, I think you went overboard at parts and it started to hurt the seriousness and feeling in this piece. It can be a powerful device but it can also be distracting so I would use it carefully and sparingly especially in such a small poem. The only other thing I was looking for here was more showing and less telling. I adored your word choice with trembling, sorrow, shuddered, cracked as they are all incredibly specific and evocative words that make the reader feel. Think of it like you’re painting a picture but your medium is your words. How much of the picture can I see? Who can see the picture? How does the picture make you feel and what will ou use to make me feel the same way? The world is full of tools for you to use in your work! Literary devices, syntax, diction. I know that last part wasn’t much about the piece but I just saw that I’ll be your first review! On your first piece! I hope you continue to write as you have a spring of raw talent here.

Thank you for the enjoyable read!