4.

by Koitsubaki

Published July 15, 2018

E - Everyone

In Short Stories

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   He squatted, jumped, and stretched his legs all possible ways, but he never took his gaze off the obstacle in front of him. He didn’t know if it did more harm than good, or if it only served to burn up his last remaining bits of energy, but the last thing he wanted was for his knees to hurt mid-run as a result of being cold and unoiled. The barrier in front of him, which was constructed with the hands and feet of his opponents, measured a staggering one foot and five hands tall, which he had to jump over. He needed to prepare in every way that he could.

   He wiped off a bead of sweat right before it could get into his eye. The sun was gentler earlier, like a child peeking shyly from the cover of the village houses and rice paddies. He painted the blue morning sky pink, and watching it from the porch of his grandparents’ house never failed to bring a smile to his face. But now, the sun had grown harsh and tall enough to condescendingly look down on him. His glare was killing him. If he spent any more time, the sun would rise even higher and being above all buildings and trees that could provide protection, would completely fry him like chicken. He grabbed his soiled face towel and wiped all the sweat off his face, neck and back. He just wanted this to be over.

   But an image came to his mind. The moment his line of sight drifted to the top of the tower of hands, he imagined the possibility of botching the jump. He thought of the possibilities of jumping too far from the tower, or an error in his jumping motions that cause him to jump too low, or maybe he would pull up his legs too late mid-air. Whatever poison Fate picked, it would all result in his feet getting caught in one of those hands, the world quickly turning to its side, the short, drum-like sound of skull falling on unpaved street ringing to the deepest crevices of his brain, and just barely hearing and seeing the outlines of his playmates running and screaming for help as he blacked out, maybe for good. Or worse, he would experience a burning pain on the side of his head that would never go away for the next seven days, but it would never burn quite as painfully as the furious sermon his mother would give him upon finding out about the accident, a vile-tongued show of wrath not even his father would withstand hearing.

   But he blinked those images away as quickly as they flashed in his mind. He pulled himself back into the world and put some distance between himself and the tower. Nobody ever dared to jump over this challenge; it was just too intimidating. But he had jumped it before. If he had done it once, he could do it again. But how would he ensure nothing of that sort would happen? Instinct, came the answer. He’d just run, run like hell, and jump when it feels just right. Not too far, not too near. but just right. How would he know? He doesn’t know how he’d know. Oh, and also, he’ll pray. Pray like hell. Even if he hated it. All five of the Glorious Mysteries compressed into three seconds, that’s how intensely he’ll pray. But even with the intercession of the Holy Mother, he still wasn’t sure about whether he’d make the jump. He has made several jumps like these before. But he was never sure of how he makes these jumps. Or if he will even make it now.

   But before fear could take hold, he made a quick Sign of the Cross, and began running.

   It was nothing like those cliché moments in fiction or film where time slowed down and every detail of the fateful moments were perceived in full. In fact, it all happened very quickly.

   All emotions and reservations were washed away by the adrenaline-infused blood rush he felt, left behind in the dust. And then he jumped before the tower of hands and feet. Not too far, not too near. Just right. He was never sure of how he makes these jumps. Never really knew the particulars, like how far he was before the obstacle, or which foot he jumped with, or if he ever broke his speed while running. It was all instinct. But it was right this time. His legs raised themselves in front of him just in time, cleanly flying over the barrier. He felt like a bird in flight for a moment, independent from everything that belonged to world below. He didn’t even feel a finger brush the bottom of his tattered shorts.

   And before he knew it his feet were on the ground.

   He winced when his bare feet landed on a sharp pebble on the unpaved road, but it didn’t matter. He heard his friends laugh and shout and offer to buy everyone soda and cheap candy later on, but it didn’t matter.

   His hands were on his knees and he was gasping and panting and blankly staring at the ground. He was like an athlete in every way. On the verge of collapse after the intense competition, but at the end of the day—victorious.

   He was taken away by his friends later on for their grand awarding ceremony. Marcelo Marcelino, eight years old, winner of the world’s most prestigious Olympic track and field competition. He waved weakly at his million fans around the world as they cheered once again. The officials handed him a gold coin, his prize. Like a real Olympic medalist, he bit on it. His victory tasted sweet, like melted chocolate.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review Review · Jul 29, 2018

Hey there, Koitsubaki! I thought i'd drop by for a quick review on this lovely review day. :D

I think the main tip for you I have has to do with sentence level things and your overall style. To be a little bit frank, although the content of this story is exciting - the personal triumph of this guy when everything is at stake - while reading it, it doesn't feel intense and exciting. It feels a little bit dry, and I don't feel like I'm right there with him, experiencing that same tension and then relief.

The best way to help bring up the tension of part of your story is actually pretty simple: to vary your sentence and paragraph lengths, and at the most intense part of your story, slow down just a little and show us what he is thinking, and use shorter sentence and shorter paragraphs to call attention to the most important parts. Having short paragraphs, like one or two lines, has the interesting effect of both making time seem to slow down for the reader, and making it feel like the reader is reading faster, so it feels more intense. It can be all over in a second - but make it an intense second.

The other tip I have is to remove the distance from the character and the reader. Right now, you use a lot of words like "he felt" or "he thought" or "he saw." Get rid of those, and just tell us the feeling or the thought. Using words like that draws attention to the fact that this is a story and we aren't actually experiencing it right alongside him (they're called filter word; Google them if you want a better explanation than this haphazard one. xD)

I did really like the sharp contrast at the end, where it's suddenly clear that actually, this was just a little boy, and it's ambiguous whether or not this track and field victory is actually that important or not.

And I think that's all I've got for you! Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck and keep writing!

Thanks Mea! And sorry for the late reply, I've been kind of busy outside of writing owo

I'll keep what you send in mind when I write the next version of this story!

Random avatar
gloriana
Review
gloriana wrote a review Review · Jul 16, 2018

@Koitsubaki,

Your short story was engaging and gripped the reader from the very beginning, however there are a few things I'd like to criticize.

The reader knows very little about the protagonist as the story progresses and it's only in the very last paragraph do we find out something of his character and rough whereabouts. More background needs to be given if you want the reader to feel a greater sense of relief once the character successfully completes the jump.

Check your sentence length, because in the first paragraph, your second and third sentences as well as many others throughout this short story are too long. Don't be afraid to break them up, as you will still manage to say what it is you want to say, but the writing will flow more. I suffer from this and a good trick I learnt would be to read out your work to someone else. Whatever takes too long to say or you have to explain at great length, alter.

The prevalent theme in this story would be that of instinct. This is a powerful concept and use comparisons, metaphors, similes, anything remotely descriptive to get the message across to the author of what it is like for the character to be in the situation he is in. Relatability is key. Your beautiful portrayal of the sun as a child shows me you can do this.

I very much enjoyed reading your short story and writing this review, so thank you and I wish you luck in any future literary endeavors!

Gloriana



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