AN: This one is for Iggy! I also drew heavy inspiration from the character Nancy of Dickens' Oliver Twist, and from the sequel to Disney's Hunchback.
You see it from the outside
You're running toward the wall
Swinging from your blind side
But you don't know me at all
I saw a young girl today. She reminded me of, well, me at that age. So young. So pure. And sure enough, his eyes strayed to her like they had to me.
Marcus had saved my life, and never let me forget it. Every time I had tried to refuse him he reminded me of the debt I owed him, and while I was stupid back then, I hadn't been foolish enough to try and break the bond. Life debts were terribly powerful, and according to every book I had ever read, could not be broken until the person you owed it to decided it was paid. I was stuck with him for life.
And soon, this girl would be as well. I've seen it happen before. I'm not the only girl Marcus owns. There's a pattern. First, the child is approached by one of us. Then she finds herself in a deadly situation, and only moments before she dies he sweeps in to save the day. And then she becomes a member of his slave trade.
The authorities know what Marcus does, but no one dares stop him. The lives of more than fifty women and children would be on their hands if they tried.
I pity this girl. Her life as she knows it is over.
When Marcus instructs me to befriend her, I can't refuse.
I've been here too many times before
And your tears don't mean a thing
I only come when you scream, I told you
Child, don't follow me home
You're just too perfect for my hands to hold
If you choose to stay, you'll throw it all away
And I just want to take your innocence
For once, there is no life debt required. Charlotte's home life is not ideal, and she runs away a few weeks after she thinks I've befriended her. I was in for the shock of my life when I found her in my bed that morning.
She begged, pleaded, and sobbed in her desperation for me to let her stay. All the while I attempted to warn her of exactly what she was getting into, but the debt and the orders he had given me prevented that.
When he found her, I knew it was the end. No going back now. He has her now, and he won't let go.
Once he had finished negotiating her room and board, I helped her bathe and washed her hair. The tears in the corner of her eyes made me want to cry, but I couldn't. Weighted with the knowledge that she is going to become another one of his hired guns, a murderer, knowing that she needed to stop crying or else someone would kill her for her weakness, I couldn't cry with her. Mercy was forbidden.
Is this what you wanted
Did I make your dreams come true?
You're sitting in a corner
Wondering what you got into
And you ache for things you don't understand
That your tears don't mean a thing
Charlie cries every night now. I wake to see her clawing at her hands, screaming for me to remove the blood. I can't.
There's no such thing as fate
Only yourself to blame you never walked away
I stood there over her grave with the realization that her death was on my hands. I should have found some way to warn her, but I didn't. I am the reason she's gone, all because I was a coward and valued my own life above hers.
I let her stay.
Child, don't follow me home
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139,595 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
So I have absolutely no idea what you're referring to here (because I haven't seen A Tale of Two Cities in.. never? and I hardly remember anything of The Hunchback of Notre Dame) but the idea you're flying with here is awesome and I love it.
I love how you took the song and did something different, something I didn't see coming with it. You completely surprised me and yay! I enjoyed it very much!
It is a bit confusing because I don't understand the whole idea. I think some more background information could have been included, which brings me to suggest that you make this into a longer story or novel or something really. But I really enjoyed what I did understand and you have a nice concept going!
Thank you for writing this for me. Sorry it took so long to get to it! It was a pleasure to read and again, love the twist you put on my favorite song ever.
~Iggy
This was incredibly well written. It kept my full attention and there are few short stories that are able to do that. It did end a little abruptly and it was a little hard to follow what with all the italicized input. However, the whole thing it was intriguing. I can't wait to read a little more of your work. I did wonder who Marcus was. He seemed kind of mysterious. There wasn't a lot about him and he seemed very distant from everything else. I found that intriguing as well but again, this also made the story hard to follow. The pace seemed a little quick too.
Despite this, great work! Keep it up!
Hey @KnightTeen!
This was really good! I liked the flow and although this was a short story, I didn't feel like the pace was too fast.
Couple of questions though: Who is Marcus and what does he do? I thought he was some sort of pimp at first. But when it was mentioned that he got the people he saved to kill other people, then I got a little confused. He could still be a pimp, just some sort of mafia-style pimp, right? As in, he gets the girls he saves to do his dirty work for him and he prostitutes them.
In the end, is Charlie a nickname for 'Charlotte'. If so, I can understand that. However, you want to keep the names of the characters consistent. I got confused when I saw a new name. If you want Charlie to be Charlotte's nickname, then perhaps you could mention that in the story or make it more obvious that you were nicknaming the character. Perhaps you could say something like "good 'ol Charlie/Charlotte" or something.
Other than that, nice story!
I really loved this short story. You have a lot of talent. There were only a few things I didn't understand/didn't like.
At first, I thought Marcus had some sick sadistic need to rape children. You make it seem like that when you title this "innocence" and talk about purity. I wish you would've made it more clear what Marcus' intentions are. Why does he need people to kill others for him? What's the deal with this life debt thing? Is it magic, or do people just not like owing others?
You should've described the main character more. Is it a boy or a girl? Do they have a name? How did Marcus save his or her life? I want details, and you didn't give them to me.
While I hate it when author's leave out details, I was riveted by your story. I loved the way you included what people have said are song lyrics, and you really portrayed the guilt of the main character well. I'm assuming the main character is a woman because it says "women and children" which is what also made me think this was sexual slavery. Also, she bathes the litle girl which wouldn't happen if it were a guy.
So again, I loved this, but I needed detail.
Hey there KnightTeen!
WOW. YOU. ARE. AN. AMAZING. WRITER. HOW. I. WISH. TO. BE. LIKE. YOU.
I LOVE IT HOW THE STORY IS INSPIRED FROM THE SONG "INNOCENCE" BY HALESTORM. WOW. LIKE I MEAN, WOW.
I JUST LOVE THIS STORY <3 AN IT'S SO EMOTIONAL :"(
INSERTING LYRICS MADE THE STORY MORE SAD AND POWERFUL.
AND GREAT GREAT GREAT STARTING AND GREAT GREAT GREAT ENDING.
Too much caps?
But THIS IS THE BEST STORY I READ ON YWS SO FAR.
Keep up the GREAT work
~Gigi
Heya, KT! I read 'A Familiar Taste of Poison' on the bus on my way home, mainly because the title was also the name of a song I like, and it turns out that it's the spittin' theme xD I'll get to reviewing that soon.
Righty now.
Wonderful start. I just love how we know a couple of things straight away; there's no meaningless info-dump. Although the last sentence kinda confused me (I had to read it three times), what you meant became clear when I read on.
Spoiler
This part strikes me as odd, somewhat, especially the 'according to every book I had ever read' part. I'm assuming that this girl has been a runaway for a couple of years now, yes? And the nature of the things she does now makes me doubt that she has time to read- if I were in her situation, I'd spend my time trying to find a way out, instead. Besides, are there books that talk about this kind of situation? (I'm asking in earnest. You probably did this to make the story work, right? So that she doesn't have a way out. But I think you've already made the impression that she was stuck.)
Spoiler
You could say the same thing in less words. It makes it easier to read
Spoiler
Okay, so we know that she can't leave. But without giving us an idea of the stakes, it sounds somewhat silly! What would happen if she told the girl? What does Marcus have to ensure her silence? Does he have ears everywhere, so that is she told Charlotte, he would know? If this weren't a short story, I would have guessed that the answer would be revealed in later chapters.
Have you read A Study in Scarlet by Arthur Conan Doyle? The second part, the backstory, has this kind of situation. (I've read it two years ago so I don't remember the details.) Like, the characters have absolutely no clue what would happen to them if they break the rules, and that kind of threat is the scariest: you have no idea what will happen to you, or when. You're living in fear your whole life. I loved that part because of how tense it was. Maybe try to give that impression?
The rest of the story is fine (the murder part was too dramatic, but not unbelievable, especially if you were aiming for a Dickensian theme C: )
Good story! I really liked it. You know, Innocence can be interpreted in two ways (most of Halestorm's songs are like that xD) and if I wrote a story based on it, I would choose the sexual side of it xD But that's just me, and I'm like that so yeah.
Keep on writing!
Cheers,
Alpha
I thought the sexual side was kind of obvious, and I looked for a way around it.
Thanks for the review, my friend!
Anytime, love c: