Under yellow lights,
as the black ocean dies behind us
and the crowd moves away from the stars to watch performers on a stage blanketed with sand and salt,
we sit next to each other, wordless and oblivious.
You slide your body closer to mine in the chill of the December night, but I give you no
attention.
You straighten your back, blink slowly, and hold your breath.
I pretend that I don’t notice.
You fall for it.
So you sigh out your air with defeat,
and you slouch
while big band plays and old couples begin to dance.
You’re watching,
bothered that you are not dancing with me.
But you stay silent,
and I stay secretive.
You bow your head, and the corner of your hat hits the curve of mine
and for the briefest of moments, we are connected through woven fabric and texture
next to an applauding ocean and an encouraging performance.
I sense your satisfaction.
But I vow to stay quiet.
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Canary word: Present
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey kittybee! So many people write poetry on this site that I find I have to review it!
Great lets get started!
Let's start with some rhythm.
I will write the Line number followed by the rhythm number.
1--5
2--9
3--24
4--13
5--26
6--12
7--8
8--4
9--9
10--3
11--12
12--3
13--10
14--5
15--6
16--16
17--21
18--17
19--7
20--7
Okay as can be seen, there is very little congruity in the rhythm of this poem. People tend to look more closely at the words, but I think this is the wrong focus for poetry. Poetry should have rhythm as well as aesthetic literary beauty. This has the beauty of subtle explanations, but it is very rough on the rhythm. You don't have to rhyme. You just have to make sure you have rhythm.
For a short poem like this, I believe you can split it up into smaller verses. What rhythm did you have in mind when writing this? I can't really find a connection besides the meaning of the words themselves.
Anyway, like I said, nice words here!
Keep writing!!!
*clasps softly* Hello Kitty, Subtle here for a review. This is a wonderful poem you have there of love, a wonderful and subtle description of it. I love the imagery in this poem, how you've formatted it and the language within it. Is very breath-taking as it paints a romantic atmosphere as I was reading it.
I really like the imagery here, I can imagine them. Sitting on the beach, side by side in the chilly December night. The night and the band, as I have said. The clarity here is breathtaking.
Connected through hats, that. My dear, is as unique and beautiful as love can get!
I truly enjoyed reading this and you have knack with imagery, keep on writing!
-S.s
Hey KittyBee!
This was a very good, innocent poem! I love the structure of it, the call and answer kind of thing but, in this case, call and ignore.
My favourite line was:
A very original and non cliché line! I've never heard anything like that before!
I do think that some of your lines are very long for a poem. This would be okay if it was in a pattern but it is kind of random. You also need to capitalize the start of every line not just a few!
Overall, great romance poem!
Hello, the hat man here to review.
First of I would like to say I LOVE HATS. For details as to my hat collection se Pompadour's wall. My latest poem is called the hat man. As I write this I am wearing my corduroy trilby. O think this explains why I clicked on this.
And, as the hat man, I feel there should be more detail about the hats. Material? Size? Shape? In my mind there is a black hole where the hats should be. I NEED TO KNOW!
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
I titled my piece in the way that I did because the hats brought about the climax of the poem. Upon the hats touching, the characters mentioned establish a connection, which is emotional and significant to the piece. I had no intention to fool you on the subject, Fiend! Pardon my misconceptions!
Hello!
In my opinion,this is really great work! So I thought I'd write you a quick review
You really managed to paint a detailed picture in my mind, I can almost smell the salty air and feel the slight breeze...
Also I can proper imagine the two sitting on the beach, his longing for her and her secretive liking it..
,,I pretend that I don’t notice.
You fall for it.'' Your choice of words in these lines is amazing, she might pretend but is it true? She comes of as quite a tease..
Even though there is no kissing,no hugging I can feel the growing tension between them. The resulting ''touch'' is so innocent and yet so true: ,,and for the briefest of moments, we are connected through woven fabric and texture''
Finally I am glad to see you picked up your personalization of the ,,pplauding ocean and an encouraging performance.'' Beautiful phrasing, which really sets the mood.
I would love to hear more from his point of view...
Keep up the excellent work!
-sophiewrites
Thank you for reviewing!