Candles and Breezes

by KittyBee

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Published June 29, 2013

In Creations

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The light of a candle shines as far as there are walls for it to tag with it’s golden glow.  


And in a room full of cluttered, condensed candles, there isn’t enough wall space.


They look like one blurry blob of fire on top of color.


But thankfully, there aren’t many candles in this life.


You, for one, are, in fact, not a candle.


You are a breeze, sweeping in  through open Christmas windows


and tickling flames, making them dance and writhe with your cool


touch.


You must be careful, however, in order not to blow away your


priceless lights of joy.


I, on the contrary, am a candle. 


I give you warmth and light--


show you how it feels to be loved and taught--


show you that I can create a world for you--


Dazzle and razzle you--


compete with and treat you--


But too fast and too far,


and that sweet December voice,


or those January eyes,


Will melt painfully


into June or July.


And I could never put my name on such a deed.


And you could never claim to be extinguished. 


And yet I am the one they call candle.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Azzman88
Review
Azzman88 wrote a review Review · Jul 1, 2013

Hey Kitty,

I really liked this poem! I thought that you did a good job describing the Candle vs the Breeze and how they interact with each other and the world. There are a few minor things that made it hard for me to read. The first line seemed a little too long for me. I would like to see it shortened.

"You must be careful, however, in order not to blow away your
priceless lights of joy."

This part I really loved for the imagery, but again i think you have used too many words and it doesnt quite flow as nice as it could. Sometimes less is more and I think it would benefit here.


I hope my little review helps. Keep up the good work!

--Matt

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2013

Hey! Iggy here to review.

The light of a candle shines as far as there are walls for it to tag with it’s golden glow.


It's -> change to its.

You, for one, are, in fact, not a candle.


Too many commas! I suggest you find a way to make that sentence flow easier.

So, Kitty! To me, this sounds like it could be a poem! You really do have an artistic and poetic way of writing! It was very beautiful to read, I especially love how you described the contrast of the candles and the months included, as if comparing them.

This was beautiful to read! Keep on writing.

~ Iggy.

User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2013

Hey, KittyBee. I saw you requested a review on this, so I am here!
I love the strong, intense, clear image you opened with. I love that you built a space so efficiently. I was in those four walls right away, seeing the light fall on them and the candles in the middle. Those lines are definitely great and strong to draw readers in.

But you kind of lose me when you stick people into similes as candles and wind and make the comparison so extended. I loved the natural metaphor that came when describing the candles. I think comparing a person to a wind and a person to a candle is overdone enough that you could potentially just write a poem about the wind and a candle and people would still read the characters behind your lines.

In this way, you might find a new image. Instead of January/February eyes, you might say January/February candlewicks. I've never heard that before, but it seems like it would contain the same implications as it would when applied to people.

So, yep. I would take this away from humans. Your readers are humans. They already know the human experience and can't help applying whatever they read to their own existence.

Please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review. I'd be more than happy to chat about your process or potential future edits!
And above everything else, keep writing!

User avatar
Jony
Review
Jony wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2013

Hey, I liked this poem very much! I think that it is very descriptive and paints a picture in the readers mind.

I don't have anything to say in terms of grammer though, because I'm not much of a grammer expert so I will let other reviewers take care of that. But from what I read, it didn't seem like there were any grammer mistakes.

I think that the way everything is beautifully described in this poem is what makes it so great. I have no complaints in the way you worded things.

I think that this poem also flowed very nicely and it doesn't seemed forced. The way everything is worded I think is one of the many reasons that this poem flows so well and I think that it shows how great of a writer you are that you can have beautiful descriptions in your poem and it still feels natural.

All in all I think this is a great poem and I didn't have anything really negative to say about it. I hope to read more by you in the future.

User avatar
dragonrider
Review
dragonrider wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2013

I loved this poem! There was so much detail, descriptions, and imagery! It was amazing!!!(yes, I'm aware that I'm putting a lot of exclamation points....).
There were nice transitions, and I loved the style and the analogies.
"But too fast and to far" Don't forget "too far"(but this is me nit-picking)
Other than that, I have nothing to complain about.
This was completely and utterly awesome.
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider



Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain