Here I was again. Under the poetic tree, with its cherry blossom petals falling softly around me. But it was not a good day to be under such a tree, for it was the day I lost everything I never thought I would lose. Imagine if you will, having something in your life that seems almost natural, an integral piece of normal living. But one day, it just doesn't exist, and you realize just how much that little thing did for you, how much it led your very existence. Two hours ago I was fine, normal as can be, which I guess can be quite boring if you're looking for more fulfillment.
Two hours ago. That seemed like it was years ago. Two hours ago, I was waiting at school, just waiting around, nothing out of the ordinary. I was, maybe for once, excited about the prospect of school, excited to work on something interesting.
"Hey, look alive a little," joked one of my friends, hitting my shoulder. "At least Laura is your group."
"Gee, and I thought my delightful personality would get me through the project," I replied, tossing a book to him, returning my attention to my computer. Apparently, a local drug cartel had murdered one of their competitions smugglers, not that that was anything crazy that these guys had done in the past.
"We had better get to class, Ms. Russell will nag us for the rest of the week if we're late," said Jake, another one of my friends. We agreed and made our way to the back of the school where our science lab was located. Laura was already sitting at one of the many work stations.
"Sincere apologies my dear gentlemen, it would appear my attention is required to be focused in its entirety on this project," I said in my most dignified voice as I left my friends to go sit with Laura.
"Don't let him get any ideas Laura, his boy band still needs him!" pleaded Jake from across the room. Laura looked at him dead in the eye with only the faintest hint of a smile.
"I wouldn't worry too much, I'm like a noble gas... I don't bond well with other elements," she said coolly, turning her head back to her textbook. I guess not much happened during that class. It's hard to remember. Fragments, that's all I can pull, I guess I'm not coping well with the situation.
I guess these switches between tenses must be a little confusing as well, I'm not thinking straight.
"Want to grab some tea during lunch?" Laura asked as we finished the final step in our chemical reaction. I was a bit taken aback, Luara kind of avoided most people even her friends, and she and I were always a bit awkward around each other. I focused back on the reaction, which had begun to precipitate gold colored flakes out of solution.
"Where in this town do you propose we find a teahouse?" I questioned, focusing on the swirling particles contained in the flask. Laura didn't even hesitate with her response, she evidently knew more about town than I did. "Alright, tea it is," I agreed, writing down a report of the reaction, and packing up my books.
"So, why ask me to come with you, I mean I know I've got such a magnificent face and all," I asked Laura as we approached the teahouse. After getting a kick to the shin, a hard kick to the shin she replied.
"I dunno, I've not had the best time lately. Maybe some company would help," she muttered, walking into the building. We got to a table and ordered. It was kind of quiet, and we both sat in awkward silence for a while.
"So, what's... what's been up with you lately?" I questioned, trying to start up some light conversation.
"Saw an eclipse a few weeks ago. Wrote some stuff that I hate already. You?" she replied as our drinks arrived.
"I guess... I don't really know, I've been about, looking for cool stuff, trying to get into music production again," I replied, taking a sip of the tea. Laura nodded, taking a deep breath.
"Listen, I feel lost right now. Like, my world is crashing down around me type of lost. I feel sick to my core, but... I can't really explain what I need, no want to say," Laura said softly. "Do you remember sixth grade? When I didn't really hate everyone so much?"
"Yeah. The good old days," I responded, looking down into my cup. Laura, I don't know, she never acted like this, she always was positive, despite her notion of disliking everyone.
"I guess, since that time, I've never really felt good about myself, about the life I lived... but, well, this is going to sound cheesy, there was always one thing, one person who made me feel, I guess, made me feel happy?" she explained, seeming to grow smaller in her chair. "I suppose even to this day that still applies. God, my hearts beating so fast... but, that person... well it's you."
"Oh." I managed to whisper. I and Laura were friends sure, but this came out of nowhere. Did she really feel this way? Did, did I have the same feelings. I couldn't tell, I was never good with this kind of thing. I don't react great to people having strong feelings about me, especially when I don't hold myself in such high regard. But something about this, it felt right? We sat in silence for what felt like hours.
"I... well, I don't know what to say." I managed to finally tell her. "But, if you feel this way, I'm in no position to deny you, I'm your friend, and friends look out for each other, thats a promise."
"You, you don't think it's weird?" she asked me quietly. I shook my head.
"I don't know what to feel right now, but I'll see where this path leads us." I tell her, giving her hand a squeeze. "Let's get back to school, our breaks almost over."
"Yeah. Let's get back."
The walk back was silent and a little bit strange. By the time we made it back to the school we still had about 10 minutes left before the next class would start. I sat with Laura under the school's massive cherry blossom tree. I didn't know what to feel even then, so we just sat.
"What do we do now?" asked Laura. I took a deep breath of the spring air. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the trunk of the tree.
"I'm unsure. But, I don't even know my own feelings right now." I replied. I looked over to her. "But it can't hurt to give it a shot can it?"
She nodded briefly before leaning over to me. Her lips brushed against mine for a few moments. I'm sure I was red as a lobster by the time she pulled away.
"I, uh, I need to go use the restroom," Laura stuttered getting up and moving towards the main building. I just sat there dumbfounded. It took me a minute to recover, but something seemed off once I had regained my composure. There was a rather mean looking man glaring around the school grounds. He apparently found his target and began making his way towards it. I found out who the target was within seconds.
I got up and made a beeline for the man who had now cornered his prey. Too late did I realize he had a gun. Too late did I realize he was not alone. Too late did I realize that Laura was there too. She pushed the girl that the man had targeted out of the way. She took a bullet to her side.
Two hours. Two hours to turn me into a killer. Two hours for my world to go up in flames. Two hours for me to kill two men in less than 15 seconds. I felt one mans neck crack in my hands, the other stabbed through the heart with a knife. God there was so much blood, I couldn't tell whose, mine, the mens... Laura's.
"No, please don't be happening, God please be a dream!" I cried out, putting my hands over Lauras wound to try and stop the bleeding. She lifted her hand to my face, almost smiling.
"It's okay. I-I'll be okay, it's just ugh just a...just...a...scratch." she choked out. My world closed in around me, black as night. I felt her die in my arms. I died with her I think. Through my blackened vision I could see a man, observing, shaking his head in disgust. Anger overtook pain. He was with those men. I never once looked back. Two hours turned me into a killer, and I would not rest until everyone behind this was dead.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Well.
This was interesting! :0
A little unexpected for me though that foreboding opening paragraph gave plenty of hints. I feel kind of lost on the time and setting of it, however. Yes, Main Character is under a tree, two hours after he killed two men, and that is what puzzles me. He's just sitting there, thinking about it? Two hours ago, he was fine, normal, hanging with his friends yet the third to last paragraph mentions two hours turned him into a killer, made his world go up in flames. The time frame has me baffled. As he's holding Laura, his vision blackening, he's thinking it was just two hours with her that made this all happen. But in the beginning, sitting under the tree, he was thinking it was just two hours ago that everything was fine. ?? Two hours ago, two hours ago in both instances. I know I might be getting repetitive/slightly annoying here, but I'm struggling to figure this out. >.<
This bothered me a bit, because this is just "one of my friends", but yet when another of his friends is speaking, you clarify that this is Jake. It's a minor note, yeah, but who is this nameless friend, anyway?
Ah, that was another thought nagging at my brain. You've told us MC is male, but that really is all we know about him. (besides the fact he has friends, is a murderer, and doesn't react great to people telling him their strong feelings for him) Obviously you can't tell us his whole life story here, but could you at least give us his name?? Maybe a few more details about him?
I agree with IcyFlame that we could use some more insight into Laura. I didn't know her very well, so I wasn't as heart-broken or horrified when reading of her death, as I would have been if I'd understood and knew her better. But the same goes for MC. Like, he just killed some dudes! That's kind of a big deal!! People don't just go around killing other people without motives or crazy high adrenaline. Here, MC killed because Laura was hurt. At least, that's what I took from it. But not too long ago he was stuttering awkwardly when she proclaimed her love and sharing a tentative kiss under a tree. I know they have been friends for years (maybe even longer than sixth grade) but to be honest, it doesn't seem like he cares enough about her to jump up and murder someone for shooting her. I would like to see more of his thoughts and emotions toward her because they have to be strong to balance his actions out, and especially that ending statement.
The depth of his character just doesn't seem very... deep.
The murdering scene was quick and blurry. There's a mean looking man (anything to give more meaning to to that mean-lookingness?) and too late, he's not alone (well, who's the other dude and where's he at?) and now he's feeling one man's neck crack (so this guy must not be very beefy, if some teenager can crack his neck - and this teenager must not be puny, unless he had this crazy surge of adrenaline, but you didn't mention that). Don't get me wrong - I like how quick and sudden it is, but at the same time, it seemed too vague to really connect in my head.
This was certainly a different kind of story, and I'm very curious as to how MC will accomplish his goal of slaying the bad guys. (which, I'm assuming is what this novel could possibly be about?)
Keep up your writing, Kira!
I hope this helps :^)
~rosette
Whoa.
That sums up my review. The foreshadowing! The suspense! The action! This was great. My heart was racing through the latter half, and I absolutely loved it. Only a couple things to critique:
Proofread your work. I think there are a number of typos here that blur the meaning and for a brief moment, it turns my smiles of joy into a mild wince.
The pacing. Slow it down a bit. Maybe watch some Alfred Hitchcock movies (I'd recommend "An Unlocked Window" from the Alfred Hitchcock Hour) and pay attention to the patience and timing with which things happen. Fluff it up with more details. Describe Laura. Describe the teahouse. Describe the man with the gun. Make everything happen in slow motion and let the reader wallow in that sense of dread and suspense. You're torturing the reader with a good story. Drag it out awhile. Don't finish the reader off too quickly
That's it. Just a couple of things. Otherwise, your story is extremely well-written. I'm excited to see what direction you take this. However, I should warn you. You've burned through a massive section of the story that you can tell with this one chapter. I would REALLY recommend that you pace the story better, and expand upon the characters in the little time you have left. Maybe use flashbacks and include a complex mystery. You obviously have a gift, so most important of all, keep writing!
Hi there Kira,
I'm here on this fine Monday of RevMo to write you a review!
How can a tree be poetic? Is this something that the characters call the tree or is it a type of tree? It's a confusing start to the story.
If your character has only just realised the importance of what has been lost, why did they refer to it as integral just a sentence before? Maybe you could reorder these sentences.
I think you mean 'at least Laura is in your group.
This confused me, because you didn't make reference to the fact that he was reading the news, so it seemed completely out of place.
I think one of the main problems with this chapter is the pacing. You do everything so quickly, and I think you forget that the reader doesn't know your characters and plot as well as you do. There are parts where you miss out complete sentences and jump ahead and I feel left in a daze. When you're writing your work, try to imagine you're also reading it for the first time. The whole point of having chapters in a novel is that you don't have to do everything all at once. A first chapter can be incredibly difficult, because you want to grab your reader's attention but still introduce them to the world around them.
Laura's character development here could happen over quite a few chapters, and then the reader would be more attached to her, creating a bigger impact when she dies.
I would plan this story out in detail from start to finish and then work out when you want certain things to happen. This could even be later in the novel as a flashback. Play around a little and see what works best for you.
I look forward to rereading this when you've had a chance to edit a little.
Hope this was helpful.
Icy.