Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Surely it is strange to all what they do not know. Through the course of human history peoples biggest fears have been of the unknown. Women of science tried as witches, eclipses signaling the end times, even the tide itself once was thought of to be sorcery to primitive minds. Imagine, if you would, the combined knowledge of every living person, dead, alive, or those who live after you. Do you believe that with that knowledge you would know everything possible? Answer not me, but yourself. How far would all that knowledge push the boundaries of reality? Do you think that knowledge could rewrite everything logical about the universe?
There exist a certain few who know everything. Knowledge has no hold upon them, for they are the source of it. Everything they create will eventually be discovered by others who know not what their creators understand. Sat upon their mighty thrones, these chosen few are the source of everything, yet they create nothing, for they are the Kings. The four chosen of the Void, called upon by the very boundaries of creation itself, the immortals. The White King, the Purest of the Void, Master of Death. The Prism King, the Shattered Lady, Master of Space. The Colorless King, the Untainted Widow, Master of Time. The Black King, the God-Maker, Master of None, Servant of All. These are the those who have made possible your very life.
These Kings create the laws in which your universe functions. They bend these very laws as they please, for they care not for anyone, they have no worry for you. They don't sound like the most friendly bunch, do they? Well, they don't worry for you because it is your own job to worry about yourselves. Confusing, isn't it? The Kings exist, and in recent years, your universe has been killing itself from within. Perhaps it would be worth mentioning that The Black King and The White King don't really get along super nicely. The Kings, being the source of everything have descended from their thrones, taking upon a quest to stop the corruption from destroying the universe before it reaches the outermost edges of creation.
Where does this leave us, mortal humans doomed to never exceed ourselves? Well, I suppose that's up to you, isn't it? Will you listen to the story I have to tell, or will you turn away from this book, not satisfied it has not piqued your interest? The story I am about to tell you chronicles the journey that a close friend of mine is partaking of as we speak. My colleague, Jak Dawn, is, as you will soon find, above average when it comes to dealing with the Kings, and all matter of Gods.
Jak is much like your average teenager, as much a story trope that it sounds, he truly is. He's a Junior in high school, fairly popular among his classmates, attractive enough to get a date every now and then, and his favorite class is Orchestra. Some of you may relate, others not so much. Unlike an average teenager, Jak Percival Dawn is a member of the Black Kings Court, and a fairly powerful one at that. He can exceed even my powers, which are to say, quite destructive.
The storytelling perspective should be read as present tense. Everything is happening in real time, as we speak, however for formatting sake, I will be telling the story using past tense. I think. I can never tell, human writing is very different from communication with Kings.
Jak Dawn, your average God-King 17-year-old. That is the way he likes to describe himself to his close friends. Jak was currently sitting at his desk idly spinning a pencil in his hand. Life was getting worse around the world, hurricanes, gravitational anomalies, hell, people are claiming to see dragons in Pakistan. Even worse, people were getting paranoid, a new church had sprung from nowhere, preaching of the end times, and how demons were the cause of everyone's suffering. People had sure bought into that stuff real quick, and several students and teachers at the school had been either killed or imprisoned by the church.
Drastic measures that shouldn't even be considered, given the circumstances. The change from normality to an almost dystopian religion ruled local government was quite the shock to most people, those who had common sense that is. Today Jak's class would be "requested" to listen to a priest from said church, although a better word might indeed be forced. This was really just an excuse for the church to take or execute anyone they pleased, as well as try to brainwash the population to believe their doctrine.
Jak sighed, putting his pencil down. He knew he would be called to be shunned as a 'demon' based on his recent actions. The church was very specific on how a person should behave. Jak's teacher stood from her place, wobbling on her sickly, stubby legs. The priest had arrived. The first thing Jak noticed about him was how smug he looked, honestly it was quite infuriating. The second thing was how young the man was, he could at most be 20. Jak snorted, suspecting that something would be very different for this session of 'revalation'.
"Hello to all faithful subjects of our God, Jericho, I am pleased to have such a wonderful opportunity to enlighten you all!" said the man with a silken voice. "But first, I am sad to say, you harbor not one, but two, aye, two demons!"
Jak placed his palm on the underside of his desk, his other hand to his temple, as if he was resting his head. He was awaiting contact from his King, in the event he was called as a demon.
"Step forth Jasmine Veronica Booth! You have been cast from our God's eye, and are identified as a demon! Your sentence will be death!" screamed the priest, his face red. Jak didn't even hesitate to make his move, flipping his desk into the air with his hand. At this point, it might be a good idea to ask what powers Jak exactly possessed. Well, observe, and you may find the answer to that question.
"Man, humans sure are strange creatures," muttered Jak, as his desk exploded into thousands of iron shards heading for the priest. The man waved his hand and the shards turned to dust. Jak frowned.
"This is what happens when we allow demons to stay in the way of our God!" shouted the priest, throwing a glass bottle towards Jak. Stepping forward, Jak took the bottle from the air, moving with one fluid motion, and hurled it back at the priest, turning the bottle into a dagger.
"You claim to be a man of God, cursing 'demons' when you yourself are not human? Man, the world really is going to shit," said Jak, as the dagger embedded itself in the forehead of the priest. "Tell me, seeing as you can combat my attacks to a degree, who the hell are you?"
"As I said," the priest grunted, pulling the dagger from his head, "I am a man of God, and you, you are a demon!"
The room seemed to fade away, leaving only Jak and the priest in a void. "I see what you are now, though to whom you belong is a mystery," said Jak, swiping his hand to the side, knocking a pillar of black, thick smoke into the priest, who now looked more like a lanky figure with arms and legs far too short, and a face of some sort of metal.
"I have killed many before you, this battle is not one you shall win," rasped the creature, swinging one of its arms at the empty space. An explosion rocked the scene, knocking Jak to the side. This was a battle locked in the between space of Realms, and for those of you asking, yes, this did move rather quickly. Pacing is not something anyone really has the leisure of in this day and age, however.
"So, you're Axi, the Corrupted Arbiter. Funny, I thought you died millennia ago during the Battle of Koncourde," said Jak, snapping his fingers and sending Axi reeling hard into the wall, breaking the void-space and returning the two combatants to physical space. Axi was unconscious against the wall, having been returned to his 'body'. Jak turned shaking his head, waving his hand to send the Axi to his King. The body dissolved into nothingness, and Jak turned on his heel. The world was really falling to pieces.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Kira! I thought I'd drop by and review this today.

I like your philosophical opening and the introduction of the Kings by this unknown narrator, particularly how he/she is then just like "but don't worry about it because it's not your job." Um, then why are you telling us this? It was a good way to grab reader interest.
Your tone shifted not-too-subtly in this paragraph. Before, it felt more wise/serious, like the narrator was genuinely asking the question as part of a philosophical experiment. From here on out, however, the narrator's tone is a lot more mocking and condescending. I'm assuming that's intentional, but if I'm honest I think you overdid the condescending/sarcastic questions a little - I just don't think they conveyed the tone you were going for.
Something else to consider is to make sure that you're always filtering what's going on in the story through this unknown narrator's voice - at times when you were describing what Jak is doing (and especially thinking) it felt more like we were in Jak's POV.
I liked this line a lot - it make me chuckle. (Though I think you meant "luxury" instead of "leisure". I definitely agree that the pacing was fast, though I more think that the introduction was fast - I don't understand much of anything about this world and how it works except that it's a religion-ruled dystopian government, which is a lot like saying directly in the text that "by the way, this is a medieval fantasy." It's funny because it breaks the fourth wall, but it doesn't actually introduce us to the world and what it feels like to live in it, and shouldn't be substituted for actually showing the world.
Right now, what I'm most interested in as a reader is Jak's "recent actions" that cause the condemnation, how the dystopian government came to be in place, and most particularly this "between space of Realms." I also like Jak's character, particularly the way he keeps his head in a fight and doesn't have time for all of this nonsense.
And I'll leave you with that! This was a pretty interesting first chapter, and I hope you keep writing it!
Hey there! MJ here to knock out some review
[/quote]
Satsitting upon their mighty thrones, these chosen few are the source of everything, yet they create nothing, for they are the Kings.[/quote]I think I put in a better way to word that, and it will make your writing flow smoother and read better.
There were also a lot of commas and other small grammar mistakes that I noticed throughout the piece. I would, at the very least, read through this again and insert in proper punctuation, make sure you have the right wording and all that jazz right. Preferably, you would be able to read it out loud and rephrase it so it flows better and sounds smoother.
So while using a lot of philosophical and sophisticated-sounding speech can be good, I got a little caught up in the abstract part of it, how you said things like, "They created everything but nothing at the same time." That really confused me, and I think it would be better to stick with straightforwardness, especially since the reader doesn't know anything.
And finally, as a completely optional suggestion, it might sound cooler if this was a lecture that the MC received to make the transition from abstract philosophical talk to what's actually happening, since it's not as smooth as it could be.
But overall, good job working on this, and let me know if you have any questions! Hopefully this review was helpful, and thanks for publishing. I'll be around if you need me
Best wishes & RevMo cheer,
MJ