They say all of his victims are children. But that isn’t true. He also hunts those with a tragic past, stalking them to the brink of their sanity and stealing who they once were. I opened the door to my daughter’s bedroom. She was only seven. “April?” I called. The darkness felt so real, so tangible. It was more than just the absence of light, it was mysterious and curious. It was dreadful and inviting. It wasn’t right. Something was very, very wrong. Tendrils of darkness brushed my neck, enveloping me in their cold embrace. “April?” I said, this time more quiet and urgent. I rushed to her bed, there was a hand, an arm, a face. “Oh god. No. No.” Her tiny hands clasped around mine when she uttered a weak breath.
Then I saw him. His bald head outlined against the dim moonlight seeping between the blinds. He towered above, holding my gaze, mentally restraining me. Another second and I was at the light switch, flipping it on to extinguish the darkness. But he was gone. And in Aprils place was a neatly made bed, as if she had done it herself.
¤¤¤
That was six years ago today. There I knelt, next to her grave. Nothing was in it, of course. Just an empty coffin. But I didn’t cry. I had done my mourning. The fog concealed the rest of the world, cloaking the edge of the graveyard. For all I knew, it was just me and the graves. Every year I went there. I didn't know why. To pay my dues? No. Every year I went there and I dreamed that she was alive. The police had never found her killer or her body. They searched in the woods, to no outcome. Not even a single clue to tell us that she was alive. Or dead. According to the law, she could still be out there. But April was presumed dead after one year. There wasn’t anything I could do, since the state had to stop funding the search for April. If she was alive, she would be thirteen. But I knew she wasn’t. I had heard her exhale her final breath. She was gone, and I was never going to see her again. The same conclusion I came to every time I thought about April.
I stood, and I brushed off the grief and exiting the graveyard. I just want to get home, take a shower and go to bed. I don’t care that it’s only 10:30 I thought as I walked to the bus station. The bus arrived immediately after I arrived, and I shuffled onto it with the crowd. I sat in a seat lining the walls of the vehicle. The rest of the passengers took their seats, and the bus drove away. I took a quick glance at my surroundings, examining the people around me. Everyone seemed to be minding their own business except the older man sitting across from me. He was looking at me, so I decided to start a conversation. All I could think to say was “Some pretty crazy weather we’re having.” It was a stupid thing to say, I know. The weather is always rainy in Washington. But I couldn’t think straight. His eyes were piercing my thoughts. He wasn’t staring as if he wanted to engage in conversation. His eyes told me he wanted to hurt me. I noticed he had a page in his lap and a pencil in his hand. Was he drawing me? If he was, it couldn’t have been good because he never broke eye contact with me to look at his work. I pulled out my phone to avert his gaze.
I checked my messages, but I don’t have any friends. Rose, my girlfriend and April’s mother had left when April was only ten months old. We were planning on getting engaged, but she left before I got the chance to propose. I found a note on her side of the bed, simply saying “This isn’t the life I wanted. Good luck, Damien. Maybe I’ll see you and April again one day”. I never saw her again. She didn’t even show up seven years later when April died.
My thoughts returned to the present when I looked up from my “0 new messages” notification and I saw the man. Now that I looked closer, he looked very unkempt. His dark brown hair was tangled and messy, sticking up in every direction. He had the beginning of a patchy beard which did a poor job of concealing the cuts in his skin. They looked like scratches made by an animal or something with claws. He wore the clothes of an average man, if an average man covered himself in dirt and tore his clothing. The man was still staring, blindly sketching on his page. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, the bags around his eyes hung like mist in the cemetery. I could see no personality behind his eyes. He continued to scribble on his page.
The bus slowed to a stop, and I held my breath hoping that the man would stand and leave. His gaze was finally broken as passengers crowded the aisle, and fortunately he left with them. A notebook paper on the floor caught my eye, and I instantly knew where it came from. That man left it for me to see. I didn’t want to pick it up, but my curiosity overwhelmed my pride and I peeled it off the dirty floor of the bus...
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Augustus here for review!
That was a really good read. I really liked the way you have described it. It seems like you know, I am over there when all of it was happening. Even though I like to suggest you that you should consider giving more physical description of the man, such as his eyes. you kind of left it at a bald head. yeah! thegreyreality was saying true in that.
although my favorite part was:
"My thoughts returned to the present when I looked up from my “0 new messages” notification and I saw the man. Now that I looked closer, he looked very unkempt. His dark brown hair was tangled and messy, sticking up in every direction. He had the beginning of a patchy beard which did a poor job of concealing the cuts in his skin. They looked like scratches made by an animal or something with claws. He wore the clothes of an average man, if an average man covered himself in dirt and tore his clothing. The man was still staring, blindly sketching on his page. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, the bags around his eyes hung like mist in the cemetery. I could see no personality behind his eyes. He continued to scribble on his page."
Overall that was a good read and the title is brilliant too.
So, good job keep it up.
I would like to hear more from ya
goodluck.
Augustus here for review!
That was a really good read. I really liked the way you have described it. It seems like you know, I am over there when all of it was happening. Even though I like to suggest you that you should consider giving more physical description of the man, such as his eyes. you kind of left it at a bald head. yeah! thegreyreality was saying true in that.
although my favorite part was:
"My thoughts returned to the present when I looked up from my “0 new messages” notification and I saw the man. Now that I looked closer, he looked very unkempt. His dark brown hair was tangled and messy, sticking up in every direction. He had the beginning of a patchy beard which did a poor job of concealing the cuts in his skin. They looked like scratches made by an animal or something with claws. He wore the clothes of an average man, if an average man covered himself in dirt and tore his clothing. The man was still staring, blindly sketching on his page. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, the bags around his eyes hung like mist in the cemetery. I could see no personality behind his eyes. He continued to scribble on his page."
Overall that was a good read and the title is brilliant too.
So, good job keep it up.
I would like to hear more from ya
goodluck.
Woah this is really creepy and I absolutely loved it! "The darkness felt so real, so tangible. It was more than just the absence of light, it was mysterious and curious. It was dreadful and inviting." Is one of my favorite lines from the story and made me want to read on so much more than I already did. I think there is a second chapter to this so I'm gonna move right on and keep reading!!! Keep up the good work!!!!
CrazyWriter
Hey this is LuckyPanda!
I am going to read the next chapter after this. Really good! There are just a few little things.
Your story is amazing! Just creepy, mysterious, and awesome
The first phase was the main catch, right? It just grabs my attention. This plot is very creative and has a great chill. It keeps the reader reading even after the whole chapter. You, also have a good choice of words, but like what rissymay said, I think you should add some more personality to the character. I see a bit in there, he being pessimistic and all, but there should be more implied in the story about who he is and maybe even how he looks like.
Also, about Damien's girlfriend and mother, it was a bit confusing in that sentence, like if his girlfriend left him, what about his mother? Why did she leave?
So, anyway, really nice story. To be truthful, I think your story is perfect and I just found some tiny things to revise. Good work
THANKS FOR TELLING ME THIS WAS UP HERE. NOT. I like the changes to the first paragraph. (; This is better than the first time I read it because now it isn't as disjointed. I disagree that you need to add more detail to the abductor. (say abductor instead of killer...Damien may think April's dead, but she's been kidnapped...or pose a reason as to why he should be called killer rather than abductor.) Just explain that it is impossible for Damien to see the person.
Side note. I find this incredibly interesting how you make it sound as if something terrible is going to happen to Damien but he lives. You tell us this by it's tense. I like that it feels like you're telling us a story.
The paragraph where he gets on the bus is wonderful. It sounds silly but you paint such a wonderfully average scene, and I think that's what you need, a plain plain screen with one thing just so off that everything is off kilter, it's great. Just paint the picture more. Does it look like he's drawing? Writing? Small and fast? Big and slow?
Describe what it's like a little more when he leaves too. That is soooo erie.
Thanks for sharing, lovely! This gives me shivers whenever I read it. I am straight on to the next chapter.
*the grey reality
Good heavens! I'm lovely? I've got to tell me mum about this.
Dearie, you're lovely if you think you are.
WOW! CANT WAIRT 4 CHAPTER 2
Awwww
. I feel special
you are, are you working on chapt. 2? please PM me wen u publish it.
Will do. Thanks! i should have it finished on or before saturday... but no promises
On second thought, I Think I'll wait until the High volume alert is over. I haven't got enough credits, and i don't want to add to the problem
okay
Greetings, fellow human. I am Rissymay, and I am here to review your story.
Behold, my comments!
ooh. the first paragraph is giving me chills. I think it could be improved, though, with an analogy describing the darkness... (for example, a great analogy I read in a book once was how the girl had a sense of something ominous about to happen, and the author wrote that it felt like a fisherman who suddenly sees he's in deep water instead of calm, shallow water and he is far from shore. something like that? (wow, that was kinda super long)
also, I suggest giving more physical description of the man, such as his eyes. you kind of left it at a bald head, and then I picture my friends' fathers, who are both bald, so it's a little strange... heh...
Every year I went there. I didn't know why. To pay my dues? No. Every year I went there and I dreamed that she was alive. -- hmm, i think this is interesting, and I don't know why, but I'd just like to talk about how I perceived this. I think if the deceased person isn't close to someone, people will visit that grave to simply be a good person, not typically because they want to pay their respects and remember the person. However, if the deceased person was loved very much, people visit their grave because they want to remember the time they spent with that person.
Dunno why I felt the need to share that... but you made me think, so good job.
I could see no personality behind his eyes.-- maybe don't just say no "personality"- I'd suggest no emotions, and then kinda describe the emotion he doesn't feel as well? maybe? idk
dunno how i feel about the picture at the end... a picture of the note is difficult to do on a website like YWS, and I feel like it'd be better as an illustration in a book. heh
so yeah. I did really like this, and I will definitely read more. I haven't read like any horror stories at all, so this is kinda my first one.
good luck, and keep writing!
-rissymay
Thanks for your review. Clearly, you don't know what that symbol is, which is probably better for you if you read the rest of these. And it wouldn't make much sense to describe the yes, because all the main character (Damien) only saw his silhouette against the window. Only a quick glimpse. I have been told multiple times to change that part, because people have thought of all kinds of things from voldemort to Dwayne Johnson... so yeah, I better change that.
*RIP ENGLISH*
Really horrible!! U r an awesome writer. Great job.
But is this story real. I don't think so. So if it was real what would u do??
I had such a horrible experience. From that I am a little afraid of going to the grave. I only think what will I do if a corpse anyhow stood up and come to kill me!! That will be terrible!!
Anyway but I like horror stories very much. Your story was awesome. I am looking forward for the second chapter!!
Thanks! And no, this story is not real, it's supernatural. Welcome to YWS
Interesting and intriguing, detailed as well. Looking forward to the preceding charpter
Thank you too, And welcome to YWS. I hope you find you like it here.