z

Young Writers Society



Altera Vita - Chapter 4 - Snake Eyes

by Kingofnate


Chapter 4

The hooded man approached where Felix was bound on the ground, reaching to his back to sheath his knife. It simply vanished somewhere in the folds of his cloak. He began to reach towards Felix’s bindings, but stopped. He must have sensed his fear.

"If I was going to kill you, you'd be dead already," He said as he drew back his hood, and pulled down his mask. "And I believe we've already met."

It was the man who he had met in the library parking lot. He recognized his scars and his beard. "I'm sure you're very confused. And I'm here to help, okay?" He reached out a hand to show it was empty. "I'm going to cut you free now"

When he reached for the rope tangle around Felix's ankles and wrists, and suddenly a steel blade was produced from his fist. He cut the rope and stood back.

Felix was finally free from that uncomfortable position, though discomfort was the least of Felix's worries. His back still burned like it was covered in acid, and only burned hotter when he moved his spine against the deep cuts. He tried to stretch but it only hurt, like an unfinished quilt being tugged apart by the seams.

"My name is Vasuki. I have no intention of taking your life. I'm here to save it."

Felix did not respond. The man stared at him with cold, intelligent eyes. His ethnic face looked much more appropriate in the robes of a killer than the suit of a businessman. The majority of his formalities had dropped, like he was in the presence of an ally. This only made Felix more unsure.

"Why did you save me?" Felix managed to groan.

Vasuki held out an open palm. "I came for the flash drive," his hand hung in the open air between them. After a few seconds it retreated to his side. "How did you end up here?"

"I went back to get the flash drive off the body like you told me to," Felix paused. "He wasn't dead. I tried to find him but he got a knife on my throat."

"You didn't get the flash drive." Vasuki tapped the leather bag. "They want these maps. And how do you think they will find them?"

"Look, Vastafinki or whatever the hell your name is, I don't want to deal with any of this shit. I don't want any of these maps or the flash drive or your money. Keep it. I already got way too much heat for getting involved."

"You think you have a choice?" Vasuki seemed annoyed. "Let me help you understand. This guy-" he kicked the dead man right in the gut, "-and all his comrades need this bag. They only have one lead as to where it is; you," He stepped over the body towards Felix. "And how do you think they will try to find this bag if they've seen your face?"

Vasuki smacked his open palm against Felix's back. Fire flared against his skin, forcing out a loud grunt of pain. The agony followed the seams of his skin where the tails had dug open cuts into his back.

"I get it," Felix muttered after he recovered. "They're gonna find me and whip me again. Torture me."

"They'll do a lot worse than what just happened to you. You got worked over by a kindergartener... Anyone could do that," Vasuki said as he wiped the blood off his hand. "But they've got educated scolars.Scientists. Surgeons. People who will open you up and find your most sensitive nerves. People who know every inch of your body, in and out, and know how to exploit it to make you tell them everything you've ever known and forgotten, and make you scream answers to all their twisted equations."

Vasuki paused to allow the image burn into The eye of Felix's mind. Both of their faces remained grim and cold. "I've had too many comrades who've spent the last few days of their life screaming our secrets. If you're lucky, they'll kill you after they cripple every part of you beyond human recognition."

Felix considered it, imagined it, and concluded that he would rather avoid this possibility. "What choice have I got?"

"Your only other option is to trust me. I will take you where the Praesidia can't find you."

"Where will you take me? And who are the Praesidia?"

"I can't tell you that," Vasuki's snake eyes studies Felix's face. It was ridden with sweat, blood, and pain. He seemed to have aged ten years since they last met. "But it's your only chance."

The silence hung in the air of the damp warehouse, the same air that barely ten minutes ago was filled with agony. Felix's future hung in the balance of this moment. He could resume his current lifestyle. Go home, and, once he healed, go back to the Syndicate... If these mysterious people didn't find him first. If they did... His life would melt into a prayer for death. At least, that's what the stranger who stood in front of him said. Even if this wasn't true, Felix would live the rest of his days wondering who and what he experienced this night. Always looking over his shoulder and always remembering the sting of a the scars burned into his mind.

The other option would be to trust a stranger. Not just a stranger, a killer. But also his savior. A man Felix feared, but also, strangely, trusted. A leap of faith could land Felix with anything.

But anything was better than the gruesome alternative.

"Okay," Felix's voice was just loud enough to change his path of his destiny. "I'm with you, Vasuki."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
324 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 324

Donate
Sat Mar 12, 2016 12:33 am
Evander wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here for a review.

I really did enjoy reading this. It got straight to the point, the dialogue was compelling, and everything included in this chapter was necessary to the plot. It raised a lot of questions, managed to keep me hooked, and it was really good overall. The one critique that I have to say right now is that the chapter felt a bit on the short side. While there's not much to do to fix that, I'd thought it be good to bring that to your attention.

Uh, a major thing that I'd actually like to talk about is the inclusion of torture and how it's portrayed in this. At some point, if you torture a person enough, you're not going to be able to get any information whatsoever from them. Even if you did get some information, the torturer is looking for specific information and will often continue to torture until it's too late to go back. Here's a neat thing about five myths about torture and the truth. Take from the opinion what you will, but it's probably good to think on that when writing something that includes torture.

His ethnic face looked much more appropriate in the robes of a killer than the suit of a businessman.

Ethnic can be used to describe almost any person of color, so it's probably not the best descriptor for right there. I'm a mixed black person and I'm described as 'ethnic', so is one of the girls who visits my youth group that is from Cambodia. Just to leave that out there.

I don't have much to say besides that! I do hope that you'll keep on writing, because there were a lot of questions asked in this chapter that I hope will be answered soon enough.

~Adrian, Knight of RED




User avatar
1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Donate
Wed Mar 09, 2016 11:54 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! Here for a quick review.

So, this was really quiet enjoyable. It was rather intense, and I got a good strong impression of both characters. The writing was also simple and easy to follow. I find myself with little to say.

One thing I should comment on is that although I ended up enjoying this, it took me about halfway to really get into it. At the beginning, Vasuki's dialogue felt really stiff, not just like he was trying to hide his emotions, but that he legitimately didn't have any or that he had problems expressing emotions through body language and such. Try to make those parts flow better if you can.

In general, your style of writing is rather sparse, which is not a bad thing - too often, people overly describe things or ramble on. Here, though I think you could benefit from a little bit of time spent lingering. Perhaps describe Vasuki more thoroughly - that will also help negate the above problem I talked about by giving readers a bit more of a solid footing on the type of person he is.

I also thought this chapter ended far too quickly. I estimate this to be maybe 1000 words - chapters in books tend to be closer to 3-5000. There's no real reason to stop the chapter here, other than to try to create a little bit of arbitrary tension. But since the reader has absolutely no idea what awaits Felix, it doesn't quite work. Better to just let this scene continue here rather than having an unnecessary and jarring chapter break.

And that's all I've got for you! Good luck with this, and if you have any questions, just ask.





Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
— Groucho Marx