Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter 2
The old library slept in the shadows of the city that never sleeps. The moon seemed to ignore this block of the city, and the night filled the air with a thick darkness. A few lights from the bright city caught the devilish grin and menacing features of the gargoyles that bore their dead, stone eyes into Felix.
Adrian had told him to meet in this same spot five minutes ago.
So Felix waited.
And waited.
He had shown right on time. He still waited.
And waited.
Nearly 45 minutes had passed. And there was no sign of Adrian. There were 47 yellow parking spots. No, 45. he checked again. 44. 47, again. 50. Each time he counted he found a new result. So he had no choice but to keep waiting.
So he waited.
When his brown leather jacket couldn't keep out the shivers anymore, Felix waited in his car, out of the cold. His rear view mirror reflected his bloodshot, exhausted eyes. He could also see his combed back dark hair and heavy eyebrows. When he shifted, he could noticed how badly he needed to shave. Stubble took over his face while he preferred to keep it clean shaven.
After he looked in the rear view mirror again, he saw movement. Behind him. A figure moved from the darkness into view.
Finally.
By the time Felix had exited his car and faced Adrian, he realized it wasn't Adrian at all. The man was well aged, yet seemed fit. He wore a messy, wrinkled suit and tie with a briefcase at his side. A dark grey beard framed a face full of scars.
"Let's talk business."
The businessman's gravelly voice was not met with a response. Felix did not move or speak. The businessman seemed to watch and study Felix with the eyes a viper would use to watch and wait besides a mouse’s burrow.
Finally, Felix spoke, "What did you have in mind?" And in response, the man rested the briefcase on the car and unlatched it.
The inside was full of stacks of cash. Pounds of hundred dollar bills almost made his mouth water. Images of everything he could use the money on flashed across his brain.
Rims for his car. An Improved wardrobe. Golden jewelry. Maybe a flashy silver pistol to intimidate potential threats to his smoothly working business.
"Twenty thousand dollars." The business man let his words take effect before continuing. "I want the contents of the bag. And I want no questions asked."
Silence followed. This time, the stranger did not break it. No one did until Felix had thoroughly considered the agreement.
First, the briefcase changed hands. Then the laptop bag. The businessman immediately broke his formalities and greedily tore out all the contents of the bag, opening the Manila folders and quickly scanning each page. When he was done with the maps of Brazil, he looked back in the bag. He checked every pocket and fold in the bag before turning back to Felix.
"There was supposed to be a flash drive in here."
"How do you kno-" Felix began to ask but the stranger interrupted him.
"No questions asked," his voice was firm. "Bring me the flash drive and you'll receive seventy thousand dollars."
"I'll be right back" Felix said, trying to play off the immense sum of wealth this man was simply throwing at him. He hastily got in his car and slammed the door.
The drive from the library to Felix’s apartment was approximately 20 minutes, and every second was filled with anticipation of the money. He fumbled at his phone while his rickety old mustang sped through the streets, weaving in through traffic and only running the occasional red light. It took 7 calls before he finally accepted that the automated voice saying “The mobile telephone you are trying to contact is either busy or disconnected. Please try again later.” was telling the truth.
3 minutes after he arrived at his building, Felix realized the lesson he had learned. He learned that something that was far more shocking than finding a dead body in your bathtub is later finding an empty bathtub.
The body was gone, and with it, the flash drive. 70,000 dollars. Leaving in its place smears of dried blood. No, not just smears- a trail of prints. Places where bloodied hands grabbed at furniture and walls to help support an injured body.
Cold night air poured in from the open window at the end of the path of smudges. It led straight down to an alleyway 4 floors below. No fire escape. No balcony. No ladder, nothing and nowhere to go from that window. But, that's the only place the "dead man" could've gone.
No time for the elevator; Felix practically tumbled down the stairs. He flung open an emergency exit, setting off an alarm that he couldn't care less about. He didn't see the dead man but what he did see was a dumpster full of trash bags and cardboard. Soft enough to survive a short fall. But a fall from four stories? Maybe.
Some of the trash bags had burst and the cardboard was bent inward from some kind of pressure. A large impact had hit this dumpster.
Felix looked around him. He couldn't find a single clue that could tell him where the dead man went from the dumpster. Felix cursed the weather for not snowing that night, it would have been much easier to follow a set of footprints. Easier to see blood against the white snow than on dark asphalt at 3am.
There were two paths that led from where he stood. The dead man chose one. Felix had a 50-50 chance to choose the right one, so, without any further signs to lead him, he went left.
He turned into a longer alleyway behind a bar and an office building, followed it, and turned right into another alley.
That's when Felix found the dead man. Or, the dead man found him. He felt cold steel against his throat, and a voice like cold steel against his ear. "I want my bag back."
"I haven't got it anymore," Felix managed to choke out. "Get this off my neck and fight me with honor."
"You won't be the first time I use this knife on someone who doesn't cooperate. I’ll ask again, Where’s my bag?"
Felix tried to seem tough, but that’s not easy with a knife pressed against your esophagus. "I've got friends who will cut you into pieces if you don't drop the knife. Now." The tip of the knife only pressed against the soft skin above his jugular vein.
"And how will they do that if the next time they see you, you’re the one cut into pieces?"
"Okay, okay, I'll tell you what you want to know," Felix said, trying to say it convincingly, readying himself. His own anticipation of the action barely had enough time to build. "I have all your maps in my car, but my car-" He interrupted himself by using both arms to jab his elbow back into the dead man's ribs. He simply pivoted off the blow, and knocked the light out of Felix with a single, powerful palm to the side of the head. He was out cold before he even hit the ground.
End of chapter
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Love the opening paragraph. A lot.
The sentences about waiting getting their own paragraph seems a bit much to me, but that's more of a personal preference probably.
Love the counting of the parking lots bit. This detail more than anything else so far connects your reader with Felix. He is suddenly a real person, a person who is bored in a very human way.
"Each time he counted he found a new result." could be shortened to "Each time, a different result"
"After he looked in the rear view mirror again, he saw movement." Never knew he stopped looking in the rear view mirror; and what do you mean by after?
"An Improved wardrobe" Not sure why improved is capitalized.
Why is a guy who might have drugs in his car, and definitely has a suitcase with $20,000 running red light? It would be so suspicious if he got pulled over right then; I'd think he'd be more careful.
The general rule is numbers under twenty should be written out. It depends on the context (don't for time), but I think it applies everywhere else.
I like that Felix keeps referring to him as 'the dead man'; it adds to the drama.
I wasn't as thorough with this review, because this chapter was better and shorter. In wording style, it was more like the prologue than the first chapter. I think this is more the style you should go for.
Hope this helped,
tgirly
Please pm me if you ever post a third chapter; it might take me awhile to get to it, but I'd love to keep up with the story.
So I tried looking for the first chapter of this story to read through (mainly because your first line hooked me), but sadly, I couldn't find it. Mind linking it to me when you get the chance? But even though I didn't read the first chapter, I'm strangely not confused. I mean, sure, it would've been better if I had more context under my belt, but the way you wrote this is so easy to follow along that I actually forgot I was reading a second chapter. Seriously. Your character formation, dialogue, descriptions--everything was straightforward and simple. It was fantastic.


The suspense you built in here had me feeling some type of thing, man. The one liners at the top was genius. A great use to make me feel impatient with Felix and the subtle fear and anxiety he probably has going on inside. Counting the parking spaces was another great way of showing this (it also gives hints to how much time has passed without needing to TELL me, you know?) I love the consistent change in the numbers too, showing that people are coming and going, but he's still there. It even got me feeling a little antsy.
I'm sure you had more context behind the "dead man" in the bathtub in the first chapter, but even so, I wasn't entirely confused. I think that whole cat and mouse chase scene was the climax, and I was even rooting for Felix to find that guy and get that money even though he's sort of an anti-hero. It's hard to get readers to root for anti-heros, so kudos to you. I hope to get my hands on the first chapter soon so I can find out more about Felix and what he does exactly. But after this, I'm seriously anticipating more chapters.
(one little thing, though. Could you add more description when Felix is at the alleyway? I mean, I think adding more to it would support the suspense).
You did a fine job on this, King. I can't wait to read more.
FORGET WHAT I SAID IN THE FIRST PART.
...I found the first chapter. Wow, these glasses are pretty useless.