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Hey there, Avalon! I'm starting from chapter 1 in order to work through and get your later chapters out of the Green Room. For the Knights of the Green Room and for justice for all writers! hehe

So, let's begin~

First of all, you have to be careful about your tenses. I noticed you revised this once, so maybe you changed the tense from past to present or present to past, but you've still got both hanging around in here. Look here, for example:

I look to see in horror that I was going to die. He plunged the sword down and my life flashed before my eyes.

Look: present. Plunged: past. Make sure you're consistent! It distracts from your story for no reason!

Lord Abyss or if you prefer his common name Jericho Cross waved to me, his muscular toned body and light armor that fit his body.

I quickly made my way over to him. Four others were missing Abyss Hawk and Abyss Eagle or their common names Maria and her brother Mark Bleak. Together the six of us made up the Abyss Knights and I was Lady Abyss or my common name being Senka Vero girlfriend of Lord Abyss. I sat next to him and he immediately draped his arm around my body.

Ahh! This is really hard to get a handle on. D: Why do they have so many different names? And not only do they have so many different names, but you try to introduce us to four different people at about the same time. Is there a reason we have to know their common and uncommon names all at the same time? Why not space out revealing the information? Why doesn't the narrator just call her friends what she'd usually call them, and later if we need to know their common names, they can be revealed at that time! Saves the confusion of an info-dump!

I smiled as my finger pushed a strand of his golden hair away he did look incredibly handsome.

I saw this mistake a couple of times, so I'm pulling it out.
You have two complete sentences here. One that ends at "hair away", one that starts at "he did". Be careful you don't run them into one! Separate w/ a period and start the sentence w/ a capital letter!

the current area then again and saw she added Night Vision.

"You added Night Vision!" I said.

Haha! Okay, so think about this. You're writing this piece of writing for the reader. Your reader only needs to know information once to get it. You don't need to tell us twice, in two different ways, that she added night vision. You could cut the sentence at "then again", and reveal the information through the following dialogue. It would be much more smooth~

Lots more sentences squished into one! You need to be careful about that when you edit for next time.

decapitates the second opponent’s head.

Haha, decapitate MEANS take the head off, so he can't take the head off of a head. He just "decapitates the second opponent".

Eventually they touched down my mother and father stood between them ...

woah woah woah, this paragraph is way too full of information. I see that you probably run sentences together because you're so eager to share all the information in your brain, but we readers can't keep up with it all! You have to give it piece by piece. Do we need to know EVERYTHING about these things now? Can we learn about Superman and the history later when we actually need to know it? Try to avoid cramming the info all in one space!

Valaine was dressed completely differently from what I remember instead of her usual dark robes she was dressed in bright white and gray robes. My composure and confidence regained I spun Ray Bird one more time and moved into a battle stance once again.

For example, here. You didn't explain to us that the narrator and Valaine had met before or how they had met, but we know from their ACTIONS and from what you SHOW us that they have met before and are not on good terms. You don't have to tell us beforehand that Valaine is a traitor -- we'll know from the way the narrator interacts with her.



I like the twist at this. I like learning that they're at a villain academy and her parents want her to become a hero. Usually we don't look at the story from this side, so I have the feeling it'll be interesting.

I'll move on to the next chapters, now~
PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions/comments about my review.
Good luck and keep writing~

Hannah

alright mr avalon dante sir, youre gonna get a review from moi.
i will do this in two parts, starting with the nitpicks, then continuing with a review of the content as i nitpick.
so yeah.

your second sentence is most definitely not grammatically correct.

He held me by my neck and he stared into my eyes with a burning fury in his, he threw me across the room.

first of all, the 'he' is repetitive. the sentence would be much smoother if you removed the second one. however even then it sounds a bit osdhfoihsdf, so if you could change with to while i saw, thatd be great. and make the comma a period. two separate events deserve two separate sentences.

I push myself to my feet, blood pouring from the gash on my arm, Ray Bird was snapped and destroyed laying on the ground not far from me.

you do the same thing with the comma here. it also wouldnt be so bad if we had some insight into what 'ray bird' is. a sword? staff? person with a fruity name? its okay to let the reader guess, but this is certainly not that time, especially in the beginning of the novel. i know its made obvious later, but by then your audience may already be in confusion at such a simple aspect of the story.

He stalked toward knowing full well

stalked towards what? a simple look over wouldve told you there was something missing there.

He wound up and back hands me across the face

you switch from past to present tense. pick one. either make it he winds up or back handed. you may do this other times and i may be too lazy to point them out so be more careful when you're writing.

"You said you would sooner die than become a Hero, and now, I'll put you out of your misery,"

alright, i usually don't like to comment on how people speak because its totally subjective, but that doesnt mean the rules of grammar dont apply. replace the first comma with a period and that should probably possibly perhaps make it somewhat acceptable.

I look around at my classmates some chatted some played basketball and every now and again would cheat too win.

honestly now, for something called 'revised' this doesn't seem revised at all. youre missing commas and periods throughout this 'sentence'. luckily for you've ive taken the time to add them all in:

I look around at my classmates. Some chatted, some played basketball, and every now and again [someone] would cheat too win.

now you do this throughout the entire rest of the post and it would be no help for you if i hold you hand in fixing it all for you. it would also just waste my own time and make this look unnecessarily long, so ill let you do it yourself.

“Hey sweetheart,” he whispered.

“Hello handsome.” I said only half heartedly.

alright, i thought i should bring this up because you seem a bit confused. when attaching a tag line (the he said/she said part) to dialogue, it must always end in a comma, not a period. since you do this only sometimes i think youre confused on when it should be done. so there.

also, halfheartedly is one word.

"Sorry we're late," Mark said. "We were busy scoring ourselves some extra supplies for the gang," Maria said.

different people speaking = separate lines for each person.

Mrs. Black Blood

again, dont like critiquing dialogue, but two names? saying 'mrs' first would mean youre going to say her last name after, but you say two names. if she had two last names thered be a dash in-between them but you dont have that either. perhaps you meant to make it one name?

But Abyss Eagle interrupted my concentration, "Lady Abyss I finished the modifications to Ray Bird and your Scanner," she said. Sitting up I looked

dialogue needs to be its own paragraph, not mixed in with other actions or events, especially by different people. you do the problem above with dialogue again after this and i feel that once you notice it once, you should be able to notice it everywhere. which means you should be able to fix it everywhere as well.

saw she added Night Vision.

"You added Night Vision!" I said.

more of a stylistic thing, but repetition is boring. build up some suspense and word it differently the first time. say she 'gasped excitedly at what she saw' or something. dont give it away just yet.

The three on one was just starting, and this would be good the three warriors charged Jackson and with one hand raised his great sword stepping aside as the three metal swords clang against the great blade effectively blocking all three warriors.

okay, this is a whooole lot to take in with so little words. you need to flesh out your descriptions for them to be properly enjoyed. or understood. giving this a once over, the audience can just barely understand what's going on. it takes quite a bit of work to figure out what youre really trying to say and thats a huge turn off in a work like this. moreover, in a novel that i suspect will be full of action, this is unacceptable. descriptions to these 'action' scenes are key and are what make your novel stand out from others.

we are beginning the Field Combat Unit if you’re not prepared,

i know i said no more dialogue but i had too. you still have to follow the rules of grammar, and there should be a a comma after 'unit' because of that.

I saw that stood between the two was two people who had given me my life.

despite the bad wording, this is the type of description you need. something that hints at what youre talking about but doesnt reveal it. if you were to stick with this, and fix up your grammar issues, this story would flow much better. not to mention it would be ten times easier to read. and believe me, people are much more likely to enjoy something that's easier to read.

Yet no one laughed, the laughter faded

wut

was the one to speck

it seems as if you got extra lazy towards the end. i dont think ive seen any spelling errors until this point right here.

and after that it's your usual grammar mistakes.

well alright, as for the story itself? not too bad. a great idea, sounds like something that could be turned into a modern day superhero gig. however its execution? very poor. as i said before, both your descriptions and grammar are lacking, and they are the basis of a story like this. more-so the descriptions than the grammar, but they are equally important.

while i do like the concept, you can do much better with it. the plot advances at quite an even pace, which i like. you are also consistent with the main character as to their personality. the other, though, seem quite a bit cliche. if anything they're too underdeveloped and i think you should spend more time fleshing them out. you dont seem to have thought about them beyond their interaction with the main character, and that makes them look very poorly written. well maybe not poorly written, but i cant think of the word.

anyway, you have some work to do, but its not impossible. your mistakes are ones that everyone makes at one point, all you have to do now is learn to fix them. if you want another review or an explanation of something feel free to message me. and although i wasnt planning on it, if you want me to review that second chapter, you can ask for it. ill do my best to make it as helpful as this one

good luck and strength be with you.