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Hey there! Isha here to review.

And I'm with Baal on that I hate reviewing grammar, but I'm going to do it for this piece again anyway. Unlike Baal, though, I'm going to have to use some giant quotes, so please don't hate me for that. Anyway. Corrections will be underlined, my own comments within the quotes will be bolded, and words that can be deleted will be typed in strikeout.

The errors are found throughout the work, but I selected a few paragraphs in particular to point out where you're going wrong. It's up to you to comb over the rest of the piece and find things for yourself.

Being transported by Valaine’s magic was as I remembered it, the quick and sudden flash of light to somewhere else. Okay, so this sentence. I wasn't a huge fan of it, because I didn't like the comma placement and the random fragment after it. I'd put a period after "remembered it" and turn the next fragment into a sentence. Something like "It was a quick and sudden flash of light that lead to somewhere else" or soemthing. The place was a dull grey, but I barely noticed as my mind was still reeling with the news my parents had surrendered their powers for a chance for me to attend Hero League. whoooa run-on sentence. Put a period after "barely noticed," then take out the "as" altogether. Make the "My mind" bit a sentence. It adds more of a punch, anyway The Lord of Darkness and the Mistress of the Undead had given up their abilities to hand me a chance to attend what I, for a long time, considered a long time to be my enemy’s school. Okay, so for this last sentence, I dislike that "long time" is repeated twice. It's just, two in one sentence, and it looks really clunky. I'd take out the "for a long time" fragment altogether and replace with with "for a while," or "used to" or something.

Next quote!

I looked at Valaine and she just shrugged, mouthing, “Proven myself?” she said [b]You don't need that. She didn't say it, she mouthed it, and we already know that from the previous comment. with her usual cute little smile. Please don't forget periods I only rolled my eyes at her for this one Totally unnecessary phrase that doesn't add to the voice, just bogs down the writing.
you need to start a new paragraph here because the focus switches to a different idea entirely. I took the liberty of doing that for you
A few minutes later, we found ourselves backstage. Apparently every team in the league had their own room. I sat backwards on a steel chair, looking at Valaine while White Warrior and an injured, unmasked, female White Noise took a seat just the left of mine.

And the third paragraph:

Valaine turned to me. and She was rubbing her knuckles together, a nervous habit she had that I’ve noticed in the past. Here, where I made the edits, I just split what you had as one sentence into two. Read what you had before, and then read that, and see which one flows better. Try to apply similar tactics to the rest of the piece “Senka, it’s not required to be on a team, but I prefer if you were one of the Heralds of Justice. comma splice Y[/s]ou are one of the best Junior Mystic Fighters at Wicked Academy. It would be amazing if you joined us[u],” she said.

Quick note: When you write dialogue, you always need a comma before the last quotation mark if you're finishing with something like "she said", "she screamed", "she yelled", "she whispered", etc, etc. If you're finishing with an action that's not directly describing the dialogue (like "I scuffed my foot on the concrete", "It came out as a whisper", "I cleared my throat", "I paused", etc), you want to put a period before the last quotation mark. For example:

"You said you loved me!" she shrieked, flinging the vase at the wall.
"You said you loved me!" Her voice was shrill as she flung the vase at the wall.
"You said you loved me!" she sobbed, the vase in her hand hanging limp at her side.
"You said you loved me!" She flung the vase at the wall.

Hopefully, that made sense. Last quote!

I thought about this for a moment and considered. On one hand, Valaine wanted to explain herself to me why she had disappeared and left me lonely at Wicked Academy with those who called me their “friend” on the other hand it could be just what they said she wanted to do what she wanted even if I meant she was hurting a friend forwarding her own advances. ... actually I don't even know how to fix this sentence. It's just a super long, run-on one that doesn't actually make sense and adheres to no grammar rules whatsoever. Um. I'm going to rephrase it a couple of times under the quote, and ask you to read over those and try to apply similar tactics to it in revisions But I’d tense slip learned the public was unreliable when it came to information that could easily be wrong and easily changed. Really super unnecessary addition to this bit

Okay, so as for rephrasing the above:
"I thought about this for a moment. On one hand, Velaine wanted to explain why she had disappeared and left me alone at Wicked Academy, stuck with those who called me their 'friend'. On the other hand, it could be just what they said she wanted to do, even if it meant she was hurting someone she cared for in order to forward her own advances."

"I thought on this for a few seconds. On one hand, Velaine wanted to explain herself to me. To tell me why she had disappeared and left me alone at Wicked Academy. Maybe they'd just said what she'd wanted them to, even if she knew she was hurting someone she cared about to further her own advances."

I like the second one, personally. The shorter and sweet, the better.

You don't have nearly as many comma splices this time, so I'm glad you took my advice on that

Now, for the actual story itself:

So, again, I have to agree with Baal. We already knew that she was going to be a hero, but you sort of shoved us right into it. In the last part, we had a villain who'd never dream of being a villain, and already, we've got someone who's the exact opposite. There's no character development, just an entirely new character with the same name and in the same body. I'd say that it'd help if you added one more piece between the first one and this one, just explaining her reluctance, and showing us her transition from villain to hero. With what we have here, we don't get to see any of the fun character development stuff, you know?

You have what could be a very interesting character, and a very interesting transition, so I say show us that. Show us what happened to her. It's not realistic for her to just flip over to hero as soon as she enters Hero Acad or whatever it's called, so show us her reluctance. Her resistance. Her slow slip into heroism, and her gradual shift away from villainism.

Good job and keep writing (and let me know when you have the next piece up!),
~Ish

Hey General, here to drop a thought on the second part of this installment.

First off, you know I don't like reviewing grammar, but I think in this case it does detract from the beauty of your piece. Reading through it, I found it very jarring, multiple times I had to backtrack and start again. This is probably because of the lack, or improper use, of commas. Try, once you've written it, after having taken a break, coming back to it, and reading it out loud, paying attention to where and where you haven't positioned your commas. 10$ has it you won't face such issues again. Also, once again you cycle between past and present tense. Pick one and stick with it.

Now, I'd like to talk about something else. You told me Senka would eventually become a Hero, and that's fine. Lovely character development idea. However, I'd like to say that completely shifting alignment is no simple task. Something big has to happen, especially considering Senka has been raised in Wicked Academy for quite a while. She needs to lose her trust in it completely. Up to now, she seems to be the resolute type, so such a change might not happen in the blink of an eye. Rather, it should be gradual. Subtle. Senka should still be reeling from the shock of being betrayed. Did she not have friends there? A lover? Imagine being suddenly torn away from everything you knew and cared for and being plunged into a new reality, and your only acquaintance is a traitor. The reason I say this is because Senka is probably feeling this way right now, and it's quite a powerful emotion. If played right, it could add new depth to this piece, make it much more vivid and consequentially, enjoyable.

Further, I used the word subtle for a reason.

Leaving the office, the school was definitely different from Wicked Academy. The atmosphere was noticeably lighter more cheery than Wicked Academy’s hateful, dark, and depressing look. In Wicked Academy, you got beat with the notion the only people who would care about you in the world, would be the same people you somehow befriended while in the Academy. Otherwise, the entire world will hate your guts.

This is not subtle, nor is it effective. In primis, Wicked Academy was actually not described to me, so when the words are used, no lingering image comes to my mind. Saying it is hateful, dark and depressing is very vague. I do not associate these to anything, so I can't really agree with Senka. Secondly, you haven't described the Hero Academy either, so I don't know what that looks like, either. My tip to you is not to rush such a change, don't force the events, let them take their natural course. Nudge them here and there, yes, but if things are done too quickly, they seem forced. A suggestion to do this -- though I realize you have limited space to work with, I doubt your professor asked for a novel -- is to actually show the readers some relevant episodes in Senka's time at Wicked Academy, instead of simply telling me it was wicked and depressing. Show me exactly how it was depressing and evil, conjure such a powerful image that whenever you use the words Wicked Academy, I will twist my head in dismay.

That is my main issue with this chapter. Broadly speaking, it's fine, like the first part, it's a solid foundation, but it can be touched up. Read it out loud first, and correct any glaring mistakes in flow. Then, consider what I said on character development. What this chapter, like the first one, lacks, is atmosphere. The two Academies need to be inherently different in nature, or I, the reader, cannot understand what Senka is saying, or comprehend her reason for switching sides. Construct this atmosphere. And keep in mind it's probably going to be a gradual change, as Senka's point of view is still very much biased from her time in the Academy. I'm also looking forward to the discussion between Senka and Valaine. It promises to bring much pathos.

Hope this helped
-Ita