Published December 1, 2009
this is a haiku that I had to write for my english class. A haiku is a 3 lines poem the first and last lines have 5 syllables and the middle line has 7 syllables.
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The tap of the rain
on the ground gave a lovely
smell to the cold night.
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Hey!
This was very good. I adore short poems that are able to convey such powerful messages.
Like another haiku I reviewed earlier today, you were able to capture some wonder and beauty in only three lines, which not many people can do.
However, the changes between your lines seemed a little forced, like you were trying to cram too much in. I would rewrite the haiku to try to ease and smooth everything out.
PM if you have any questions.
Greetings!
Forgive me for my lack of poetry knowledge. It's going to be odd critiquing a three-line poem constricted to only 17 syllables, haha.
Your idea is very cute. I can see where you're going with it. Nature is a common topic in poetry, especially haiku. Your description is off to a good start!
The line breaks seem very odd in this, however. Imagine a slight pause at the end of each line. When someone reads a poem, they naturally put a pause on it. So it'll be read like this: "The tap of the rain. On the ground gave a lovely. Smell to the cold night." It sounds clunky, right? Perhaps there's a different way to phrase your sentence/haiku so as to avoid that.
I also think you could use stronger words. With such a short poem, you have to pick just the right word to describe what you mean. "Tap" was a great choice. "Gave" and "smell" are a bit weak. "Cold night" is a bit irrelevant. It doesn't matter if it's hot or cold; it's still raining. Try words like "wafted" or "scent" -- use a thesaurus, actually, lol. *fail* And the last line, I don't think the rain is giving its smell to the night. That's just odd, haha. If anything, it would be "in" the night, but I think you should just drop the night thing altogether and focus on the rain--the smell, the feel, whatever.
Not sure if I made any sense or if I inspired you in any way. I hope I helped a little though. Good luck!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hi!
Okay I know what a haiku is, but I usually think the first two lines describe the thing and the last line kinda says what it is. But with your descriptions I could see the rain, and it seemed as if I could smell it. It was great, just that one little thing. But maybe I'm wrong. Great job!