THEM- Chapter one

I have written chapter one and two before but recently i have sort of killed them, and decided to start from scratch, the prolouge still stands though. Hope you enjoy. becuase this is one trip they will never forget.

Chapter One – Bumpy Ride

The man whimpered in the corner of the cave. Blood seeped out from where the thick chains clasped around his ankles. His face was a bloody mess, strands of flesh dangling down. The man could only see an endless black void, he felt around his eye sockets, only to find two black holes. He cried out, all his strength had been sucked up like dirt from a hover, his cries and pleads for mercy were merely low groans and whimpers. Then suddenly his ears pricked as he heard shuffling a few feet ahead.

“ Wh. Who’s th. There” , he trembled.

There was no reply. The man suddenly felt a strange awareness that although there had been no reply, he was sure he was not alone. Something ice cold brushed past him, he shivered with fear. The man moaned as he heard deep panting, the sort a dog makes after a tiring walk. The scent of stale blood made his nose twitch, and his face screwed up into a ball as a warm breath of air hit him, inches away from his face.

Something sharp stroked side of his cheek, so sharp it peeled away his skin as it went. The man felt sick, as he felt the warm liquid trickled down the side of his face and into the corner of his mouth. He thought that this was the end; finally, they were going to free him of this horror. But no, he was wrong. This was merely the beginning of the torment. Who is this man? He is Frederic Brice. Soon, soon he would, like all of his victims feel the pain of a slow agonising death.

***

“ Quiet down everyone!”, Mr Renal shouted, as he tried to control the noise on the coach, which was now rocking from side to side as swarms of kids rushed to get the best seats – at the back of the bus.

The bus driver gave the Blonde haired teacher a doubtful look followed by the shake of his head.

Mr Renal leaned across to the driver,” It’s alright once they’re settled, if only i had more help.” he said, trying to reassure the blobby old man behind the wheel, who cleary wasn’t impressed.

“Students please if you just all settle down, this whole journey will be a whole lot more pleasant, and if you don’t then the noisy ones will share a tent with me.” The teacher lied, taking his seat next to the driver at the front of the bus.

They took the bait and although they had not silenced, the noise was now at least bearable. Two boys had seceded in the race for the best seats, who were now bathing in triumph as they slumped themselves down into the chairs. The quieter one was Tom, who was seated to the left adjusting his brown hair, which had been flattened amidst the chaos.

Next to him was his best friend John, the sort you didn’t mess with, tall, bulky, short fuse, easy to piss off kind of guy. He was busy rolling up paper balls and lobbing them across the bus, aiming mostly for the bitch of the pack, Selena. He howled with laughter as he hit her in the back of the head, not laughing at the fact that he hit her, but the look on her face.

“Dickhead” she swore, following it up with the middle finger. The whole class saw this and jeered. Selena scowled and shrank back in her seat, covering her head with a rather fluffy hood.

“She’s genna cut your balls of one day.” Tom said, before putting on a pair of meaty looking headphones and blasting his ears with R & B.

“How can you listen to that crap, heavy metal all the way, yeh.”

“Opinions, different opinions Jonathan”, Tom smirked, knowing he had hit a touchy spot.

“Say Jonathan again, and I’ll send you a get well card in hospital.” Greg threatened, clenching his fists

to emphasise his point. Tom merely laughed and lost himself into the voice of ‘ Akon’.

***

Selena played with her long blonde hair, curling it around her fingers. Her seaweed coloured eyes lost to the world, deep in thought. Bethany waved a hand in front of her and the uptight teen returned to

the real world.

“Hello, and welcome back, dreaming about true love was you”, mocked Bethany.

Selena turned to her red head friend, “No, I was just wondering, do you reckon anyone will notice if John doesn’t wake up when we camp.” Selena replied she had a psychotic look in her eyes.

“Pft. Yeh... Like you would, you two have a love hate relationship, soon you’ll be snogging each other’s face off.”

“Piss of I Loath him-“

“What was that, I looove him.” Laughed Bethany, enjoying the fact that she knew she was right, and that she would soon be out of the picture when they hook up.

“I’d rather go out with orange Oliver”, Selena defended, looking over her seat to a ginger haired geek with freckles, the perfect victim for a stereotypical bully.

“It’s sorted then, you’ve got a date.” Bethany beamed, already up and out of her seat.

“What. Wait. No, no, no, please don’t do it.” She pleaded, tugging at her friends coat, dragging her back.

Bethany pushed her off, and made her way to the front of the bus. “Hey Ollie, do you wan-“She was cut off and thrown to the floor among with a dozen others, as the bus jilted and lost control for a brief horrifying moment, before coming to a screeching stop. However, if had not been for the drivers quick reactions the bus would have tipped and that would have just caused disaster, for everyone. The kids reacted with an explosive outbreak, John was the first to charge forward, and it only takes one to create a spark – and that is just what he did.

***

“What happened?” shouted John, his words came out like those from a squeaking mouse in an elephant’s party. He had reached the tip of the bus and was demanding answers from the driver.

“What happened!” he repeated.

“I think we hit a bump, but everything’s ok now, nobody’s hurt. Are they?” answered the bus driver, scratching his silvery moon like hair.

“Think? We’ll of course we hit a bloody bump, you stu-“

“That’s enough John, now go sit back down.” Mr renal demanded sternly. “Everybody quiet down now, before I lose my temper and turn this bus around.” He shouted to the rioting kids, as they clambered around, pushing and shoving anyone in their way. His efforts were wasted, so he tried a different approach and whispered something to the driver.

“Just carry on moving, they’ll settle down once we’re on our way again.” The driver did not reply, and put his foot down.

Soon after, the awful singing talents of the kids were discovered, as they shouted not sang, at the top of their voices. “The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, all daaaay long.”

However, not everyone was all jolly and happy after the incident. Tom had stopped listening to R & B and was now trying to calm his fuming friend. Selena however was enjoying the satisfaction of having a dig at John who girl or not would soon smash her face in.

“You just had do to be the big tough guy, hey look at me I’m hard nut Jonathan and I want to know what the fu-

“Selena, I really wouldn’t.” Tom advised, dreading the moment when John exploded, who was furiously chewing his nails - you could see tiny flames lit up in his eyes waiting to become ferocious fires.

“Are look, Jonathan’s got a boyfriend.” She continued.

“Selena, seriously back off, he will actually smack you, being the opposite sex won’t stop him.”

“No he wouldn’t or would he? Would you, Jonathan, would you really hit me, a girl. Could you live with that, a girl beater.” she teased, a wild streak in her eyes, hoping, wishing for a reaction.

John was sitting there silently, he would be the perfect player at poker, his face showed no expression you could not tell what he would do next. Selena and tom waited, waited for him to burst like a bubble, and burst he did, but not like either of him had expected.

“Your hair looks nice.” He said quietly.

Tom’s jaw dropped a few thousand feet, Selena blushed and her cheeks lit up like roses and Bethany who had stopped singing and had sat silently through the whole thing, burst out laughing.

“I knew it, I so knew it.” She beamed, jumping up and down in her seat.

“Knew what?” Gregg asked, slightly embarrassed by the whole situation and surprised with himself.

“You two” pointed Bethany. “You’re an item, you finally admitted it.”

“What”

“What”

***

They watched the bus drive by, hidden in the thick wood. Soon it would be time, time for the children to meet them.

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Squall
Review
Squall wrote a review · Tue Dec 02, 2008 6:54 am

Sup Kevsta, and welcome to YWS. I see you like family guy. Family guy for the win!

The man whimpered in the corner of the cave. Blood seeped out from where the thick chains clasped around his ankles. His face was a bloody mess, strands of flesh dangling down. The man could only see an endless black void, he felt around his eye sockets, only to find two black holes. He cried out, all his strength had been sucked up like dirt from a hover, his cries and pleads for mercy were merely low groans and whimpers. Then suddenly his ears pricked as he heard shuffling a few feet ahead.


Good start.

The man moaned as he heard deep panting, the sort a dog makes after a tiring walk.


Try to keep your comparisons more in context with your story so that it doesn't seem detached with what's happening.

The scent of stale blood made his nose twitch, and his face screwed up into a ball as a warm breath of air hit him, inches away from his face.


You can't really screw a face up into a ball. The face itself is not flat like a piece of paper.

Something sharp stroked side of his cheek, so sharp it peeled away his skin as it went.


Doesn't it hurt?

They took the bait and although they had not silenced, the noise was now at least bearable.


Avoid cliches at all cost. They bring nothing new to your writing. Omit "took the bait" and find another way to show it.

Greg threatened, clenching his fists

to emphasise his point.


Omit "to emphasise his point". If Greg is clenching his fists, then we the audience will know that he really means it.

Selena defended, looking over her seat to a ginger haired geek with freckles, the perfect victim for a stereotypical bully.


Omit "stereotypical".

She was cut off and thrown to the floor among with a dozen others, as the bus jilted and lost control for a brief horrifying moment, before coming to a screeching stop.


Horrifying how? Do the students scream? Do they get tossed about?

Soon after, the awful singing talents of the kids were discovered, as they shouted not sang, at the top of their voices.


Do we really need to know how well they sing?

Tom’s jaw dropped a few thousand feet, Selena blushed and her cheeks lit up like roses and Bethany who had stopped singing and had sat silently through the whole thing, burst out laughing.


Do jaws drop open a few thousand feet when someone's surprised or shocked? Do not exaggerate, just simply state the truth.

Overall impressions:

Your start was good, but the entire first section was rather pointless, except maybe the fact that it did show how one was tortured/killed. But why would you need to have an introduction for that when it will likely happen again in the future. If you are using the first section to foreshadow, then you need to make it relevant in terms of the narrative and characters. Right now, this seems like a pre-demo of how someone gets killed. Is there anything more you can discuss in your first section?

Your characterisation during the bus section was weak. Each character only had a few lines of dialogue. The dialogue wasn't even that good. Some of it was just unrealistic while others were just a stereotype of what a teenager would say. The action of the characters pretty much reinforced this. Ask yourself: Do your characters only portray a stereotype of teenagers or an accurate portrayal of each individual teen? Probably the former to be honest. If your characters are flat, then how can we as the audience associate with them? I really don't care if they die or not. I think this is my biggest beef with the horror genre. Directors don't even make an effort to characterise their characters. They just use stereotypes for the characters and leave it be, worrying more about how they will be killed off and by what.

I don't even see as to why I should bother to read more of this. The direction of the story is dull. "Kids go from point A to B by (insert method of transportation here), experience trouble and then eventually get killed off one by one." Please, it doesn't even have any new ideas or themes for me to be interested in the piece. Why should I care about having characters killed off by something? The fact that your characters are card-board cut outs detract from the overall story further, since it is likely that we will be unable to sympathize with them like we would do with real people.

Andy.

User avatar
AlexMc Review
AlexMc wrote a review · Tue Dec 02, 2008 5:56 am

Hi there Kevzta,

I have to say, this is a good piece of writing. I only picked up on a few mistakes. The thing that got me was the storyline I think you have going. I have just seen it quite a lot before. If I am correct students go on a road trip and end up somewhere where a killer will kill them off? Apart from that here is what I picked up on:

“Students please if you just all settle down, this whole journey will be a whole lot more pleasant, and if you don’t then the noisy ones will share a tent with me.” The teacher lied, taking his seat next to the driver at the front of the bus.


Then should be than.


Two boys had seceded in the race for the best seats,


Seceded should be succeeded


“How can you listen to that crap, heavy metal all the way, yeh.”


yeh should be yeah

“Opinions, different opinions Jonathan”, Tom smirked, knowing he had hit a touchy spot.


This just gets me. You say before this Tom turns his music up full blast. How does he hear what John says?

“Hello, and welcome back, dreaming about true love was you”, mocked Bethany.


Just switch them around, the comma should go before speech marks.

“Pft. Yeh... Like you would, you two have a love hate relationship, soon you’ll be snogging each other’s face off.”


Once again, should be 'Yeah'

“Piss of I Loath him-“


Should be off.

“You just had do to be the big tough guy, hey look at me I’m hard nut Jonathan and I want to know what the fu-


'do' is not needed in there.

“Knew what?” Gregg asked, slightly embarrassed by the whole situation and surprised with himself.


Gregg should be spelt Greg. And hang on, who is this Greg in your story?


Alright, look forward to seeing more.

Cheers,

Alex

User avatar
Ashgan
Review
Ashgan wrote a review · Tue Dec 02, 2008 4:47 am

Greetings. Well, as said before, the situation there is something one can really connect to, since it isn't very diffrent from when I am on a bus trip with my class. (And usually, I dread those). So that's kind of good, one can very well imagine the scene just from using memories, which ultimately gives it a more realistic and personal feel.

It has already been mentioned that there are some problems with capitalization, and a few rare spelling errors (forgot examples now, but I think I saw one). As said, shouldn't be a hell to fix.

Yea, the start is kind of confusing, but so is the last sentence. "Soon it would be time, time for the children to meet them." Who are "them"? Maybe we aren't meant to know yet...

And a last thought, I cannot really see who Greg is. All the others, Tom, John, Selena and the others have had some kind of explanation and presentation, but, unless I missed something, Greg just pops up out of nowhere in a dialogue.
--
Overall, I think this is quite good, looks like it's gonna be a horror-thriller kind of thing, yea? I didn't read your previous (now scrapped) chapters, so I don't know what those contained. Well, good luck with your story, and keep up the writing work! I think nowadays, much too few students read (speak not of writing...) anyway.

User avatar
lilymoore
Review

I actually really like your characters. They have a good blend of stereotype and non-stereotype to seem very realistic and the whole situation sounds like something from my own high school. Well, aside from Selena, we really don't have any of those.

Also, your dialogue needs a bit of work. It doesn't feel very natural at specific points. One day, just sit down in a public place and listen to how people talk. This helps you find your ground when you write your own dialogue.

However, I am a bit confused about the beginning. I think this is where it really needs work. Just, reconsider word choice and emphasize the mans feelings. Not just his physical but more the emotional.

Grammar wise, I didn't see to many problems, but definitely go though and fix your capitalization. I did see a LOT of capitalizing problems. But that's never bad or hard too fix.



Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
— Jules de Gaultier