As each day passes, my yearning burns hotter and more intensely than previously imagined,
I, in here, and you, passing by, I can’t help but to wonder where it is you are heading,
I wonder how you are feeling,
I wonder how you are doing,
Yet I can never know the answers.
We come from different worlds
With I in here, and you out there,
Two different people bound for that elusive connection,
Like a spider’s web I wish to ensnare that which all man desires,
Am I trying to escape something by chasing you?
Or is it nature calling, guiding, telling me to go forth and attain my desires?
It weakens me to know we cannot be,
With I in here, and you out there.
Like black and white we are,
Completely different shades that justly compliment one another,
It is a shame that only I can see you through that big window,
So blissful you are, so graceful you walk,
I pay attention to every step and listen to my heart beat in tune with each step,
I can see it is supposed to be,
Looking at you,
With I in here, and you out there.
In the early morning hours you don’t miss a beat,
With a pace firm as the snow brushes past your cheek,
Your complexion fare and countenance tender,
I can only hope that you’ll gaze in here, and see me from out there
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This was really good! I think you might want to work a little bit on your sentence structure to help it flow a bit better. A trick I found in poetry was to try to have each line have a certain amount of syllables (kind of like a haiku, but you can have more or less syllables in each line). I find that greatly improves the rhythm of it. Another thing (this is more of a personal preference) is that it would make this poem a bit better if it rhymed. But I think that it is great without it. You could just feel the desire and passion in it. You captured something that is hard to do, and that is a very real sense that pulls at the heart-strings when you read it. Not very many poems do that to me, but this one did, so good job on that!!!! I can't wait to read more from you!
Hey Kenneth!
I love this, it is intellectually thought out and so romantic. I love the imagery that you create and the meaning behind it all. I did notice a few errors however, which I'm hoping you will find helpful for me to point out (after all this a review).
"I, in here, and you, passing by, I can’t help but to wonder where it is you are heading"
I really like what you are saying here, but I found it a little hard to read the first time; which will mean many people will find it hard.
Using distinct commas (,), semi colons (;) and periods (.) will really help the flow of the sentence. A lot of people aren't aware of the proper way to use each and that is totally okay, because it is complicated. Just look it up and practice always helps! (And so do we reviewers. We like to help too!)
"Yet I can never know the answers."
This may just be a personal preference when it comes to the flow of the poem but I like if it said "answer" instead of "answers" that would really help the poems flow and message.
Otherwise, just make sure you are consistent with your commas (,), semi colons (;) and periods (.). I found some sentances would have periods and others weren't. And I found it was a little unnerving.
Other wise! I really love this poem and I can't wait to read more from you!
Cheers!
Welcoming Exception
Wow Ken, it's a speechless reaction but I'm still going to try my best and review.
Firstly, welcome to the website, hope you love it here as much as the rest of us.
Alright second. To elaborate this poem made me feel like I was staring at a breathtaking view and left me speechless in a way, it knocked the wind out of me. You definitely have the flow down, build it up to be an indirect love poem accurately capturing desire. I love how you lined up your stanzas but why is the "It weakens me to know we cannot be", line indented? Other than that I can't see anything I want to pick at, sorry if this doesn't help. Overall, the poem is great.
Thank you! Any advice helps
Also it was just put in that way when I uploaded it! Ill check those things next time