Seasons change...

Hi there! I’m Toast and here to take a short dive into this piece of poetry you created!

Firstly,
what a sad yet beautiful romance you got here!
Phrases like

Floating by swiftly above me

Comes unannounced and goes unannounced

and

And then the season changes, you have other things, doesn't like to see me or care about me

all really embrace the fleeting personality of seasons changing and incorporates is fantastically with your poem!
I could feel the longing the narrator has for their lover, the past that won’t come back, and their sense slowly losing feelings as the narrator accepts that ‘tis was just a dream, but still reminiscing.

Now,
Although there isn’t anything wrong with thus poem, especially since poetry is highly subjective, I feel that a better connection, (some intertwining) between each lines would have made for an even better flow. This could however just be chocked up to there being no punctuation marks like periods or commas (i presume this is a aesthetic choice) which makes it hard to divide which lines intertwine with which.
This is a very minor thing tho, and you’d have to be verryyy nitpicky to say so.

All in all,
I really enjoyed this beautiful piece of poetry and wish to see more from you!
Welcome to YWS and have a nice rest of your day!

Hey there Kem6o! Rebel here for a short review! :p

That was a good read, with the sudden sharp turn there with the tragic ending of a typical love story. It had a good beat for a vers libre, a short yet poignant little poem.

Kem6o wrote:Floating by swiftly above me

I am a little conflicted about the usage of "above" instead of "over", personally. You know that sensation when something feels a little off about how the sentence sounds yet not particularly wrong? I don't know which is correct in this case: "Floating by swiftly over me" or "Floating by swiftly above me" - perhaps it really depends on what you meant by the sentence and my speculation could be entirely wrong - it's your choice.

kem6o wrote:Who doesn't stop for no one

I like the little double negation used here, it makes the poem feel a little old-timey, which is fair for a romantic poem.

kem6o wrote:And then the season changes, you have other things, doesn't like to see me or care about me

I think it should be "don't" instead of "doesn't" in that line, it's more grammatically accurate.

I also liked the little sensory imagery play there with "When my hands were in yours/When your breath had touched my skin/When your warmth held me, surrounded me in a tight embrace". The tactile imagery makes you feel the warmth of human love and affection. And I also like the anthropomorphism with the clouds and the rain at the beginning and the poetic effect it made with the imagery as the poem went on - and then when the poem's mood changed all of a sudden, the contrast really highlighted the change of season.

All in all, it was an interesting read and a good one. Keep writing! :p

P.S.: This review was brought to you by Team Tortoise.

Hey there It is wonderful to see some more poetry in the Green Room! I thought I would stop by and leave you a review. Let's get right into it:

On the clouds I see your name

Floating by swiftly above me

I feel like this section could perhaps be rewritten or have some added punctuation, to help with the flow. I would write it like this:

I see your name on the clouds,
floating by, swiftly above me.

I have lived many years of my life but the most beautiful moments I had ever felt were with you

When my hands were in yours

When your breath had touched my skin

When your warmth held me, surrounded me in a tight embrace

I dreamt of living that life

With you...

I absolutely love this part! The statement of all of your most beautiful moments being with this one person, well that is really powerful. I liked how that sentence was the longest in the poem, showing how your thoughts go on for a long time. There is symbolism in this formatting that really shows me how much you cared/care for them. But the seasons changed, as you mentioned. Then we see the second longest sentence in this poem:

And then the season changes, you have other things, doesn't like to see me or care about me

I love this a lot. The details you added of how you 'slowly' gave up on them. And now the way you see them is totally different. You don't have the same dreams anymore. You have some very poetic and gorgeous sentences in this poem. I enjoyed that it was not overcomplicated. This made it relatable and easy to read and follow along with. Overall, lovely poem and I would totally read more of this. I hope you post more soon!

Your friend,
Ellie