The Banners Torn

There was some really good imagery in here; nice work! I'm going to comment on some of the things here, so my stuff will be bold and in red from here on out.


In broken heart, banners fly torn
With wind in moor and fife and horn
Awaken! Awaken! Your time has arrived!
The ghosts of past now haunting thin,
A world with no more wars to win,
Alas! Alas! They sob aloud.
Now we are dead and spirits deprived.
#FF0000 ">I really very liked this part. Spirits deprived really made me think about all the meanings in this. And then, a world with no more wars...That would be very nice.
***

Bring forth the ale and wine of old
And force to drink the spirit gold,
To forget the loss of love and war,
Forget the blood upon the floor.
#FF0000 ">The spirit gold? That sort of confused me. Care to explain it?

***

With broken spears still standing tall,
With golden treasures lost in hall,
Be gone! Be gone! Hesitate not!
The spirits cry with joy and fear,
To leave the world they hold so dear,
This fear would have them stay and rot.
#FF0000 ">I really liked this little section; it flows very nicely, too.

***

Bring forth the ale and wine of old
And force to drink the spirits gold
To forget the loss of love and war,
Forget the blood upon the floor.
#FF0000 ">Same comments as before, when it had repeated. Sort of makes me think that this would be a pretty good song, with the right tune and beat with it.

***

The ghosts worn thin, the banners torn,
They walk now silent as the dawn.
They did not stay, but wandered far,
Gazing at the morning star.
This is a tale both sad and sweet,
For they finally came to Heaven’s seat.[/size][/quote]
#FF0000 ">All right. Now the ending honestly gave me chills; it was a really beautiful poem. You should write some more things like this! It was really very good, and I caught absolutely no mistakes. Keep it up =D!

Hey, there!

I would say that this poem was decent. For me, there isn't too much in it that sticks out to me as a strong liking point, and for that reason, I had some difficulty appreciating it.

The older language was cool, I must admit. You had a fair rhythm as well, but it was all shaky -- the rhythm switched from the third to the fourth and then to the final, and while that could be intentional, it brought about a feeling of disconnectivity to table, and I like that warm, homey feeling when you read poems... even if they are tragic! I think you need to press the impression on this a little more, dearie.


Also! The repetition did get tedious. I think you should seek synonyms for the more "flat" words, like ghosts-- ones that are easy to find common synonyms for. Not a bad poem here, dear, but I would recommend being easy on rhyme so that it doesn't drive your poem. Keep it up.

June

Much like everyone else who has reviewed this I really like this style of poetry and the imagery you used so I don't really have much more to add other than my praise for it i'm afraid =/ one unique point i could make is that i especially liked the bit in the first stanza when you follow "A world with no more wars to win," with "Alas! Alas! They sob aloud." like war is a necessary evil etc. - and despite its slightly cliched nature i also quite liked the ending =]
Thanks
k

Hello! Nice To Meet Yoy I'm Lydia!

Wow you got alot of response for this poem and I have to say that this is going to get a bit repetitive. I liked this a lot I am quite into medieval poetry and the whole idea of spears and stuff is great. I like Grin am a Christian so I believe in the afterlife and I thought that you brought your own ideas of what happens after death across very well. So yeah I really liked it!

Well Done
Keep Writing
~Lydia

Hey there!

I really liked this. As Van said, you've got all the important points down to pat which is a lovely thing to see. This reminded me somewhat of the afterlife, so I'm glad that it's got the effect you wanted. I don't really have any nitpicks, I liked this a lot!

~Amy

Hello!

I have to say I really enjoyed that. The rhythm was great, the rhyme scheme pretty nifty, and the story...well, it reminded me of Valhalla, actually; mostly in stanzas three and four. I see that it reminded someone else of a different type of afterlife, so I think you've achieved the goal you had in writing this. I don't really have any nitpicks that haven't already been pointed out so I'll leave it here.

Thanks for posting this! Star for you!

Take care,
Vanadis

I'm glad you all reviewed my poem. I've made the rhyme scheme changes you suggested - The first and third stanzas now have the same (or at least very similar) rhyme scheme (A, A, B, C, C, D, B.) (On the third stanza, I excluded the 'D' line, for whatever reason.) The fifth stanza is similar to that as well. Thanks again for reviewing!

I really couldn't go either way on this poem. At first I really liked it, but then as I kept reading I think it must have lost its rhythm. I noticed that happening at the third paragraph. Overall their was a good short story in there somewhere and I really liked the bold it made me feel excited as I read the poem.

~DayDreams

Hey Kelcia!

Old-timey poetry? I'm totally in! I like the descriptions and stuff... it reminds me of what little I've seen of medieval times and the like. Awesome? Yes!

The main thing is, I don't really like the repetition... so cut that out and put something new and awesome, like everything you have above! I'm sure you can do it magnificently.

Anyway, thanks for posting it!

Wow. I love the imagery in this! I really liked the way you wrote this. I also like the spirits and ghosts, I think they add a certain mystery to the poem.
I think you could improve on the ryhming, to keep it consistent, to make it even better.

Good job, thanks for posting this! Keep writing!

~Mo.

I think you should say

forget the blood upon their floor.

Hi Kelcia, I'm Peanut . I noticed that the first sentence of this poem isn't punctuated but the next sentences are. You should put end marks at the ends of the statements, that'll make it easier to read. Also I agree with Grin about the rhyming of this piece the rhyme scheme wasn't the same through out.
I really hope that helped, I'm not used to reviewing poems. PM me if you have any questions.
~peanut~

Hi, I'm Grin, it's nice to meet you

Okay, I really liked this. You've got some lovely imagery and there's a great little story in here.

I think your main problem is consistency. Unless it was deliberate, you should try and keep your verses and rhyming scheme consistent. I kept losing track of your rhythm here, which is a shame because it was a lovely poem and I'd have liked to get into it more.

I love the whole bit about the spirits. It's a nice thought that we live on after death in another form. As a Christian I believe in an afterlife, but for anyone it's a good thought to have, that it doesn't end.

Really, it just needs a little more flow to it. But this is a great start. Thanks for posting it, I really enjoyed it.

Hope I helped
~Grin